"I know, I just…"
"Leave it," Channing growls. "You need to leave it. You go down there all guns blazing then you're playing right into his hand. That is what he wants."
"But—"
"But fucking nothing, Bexley. You need to let it go."
"But—"
He growls, pressing harder against my neck, and I relent.
He's right, and I fucking hate it.
"Mia is okay. He didn't hurt her."
"She's fucking broken."
"Bex," he sighs. "You need to get it together. Their Coglio is right around the corner. You need to figure out a way to let this happen."
I stare into his eyes as he silently begs me to find a way to get through this.
"We'll find a way to make this right, but it's not going to be fast. Things need to happen first."
I nod at him, remembering our conversation about whatever kind of deal he's struck up with Q that might just allow him to be with Sasha one day, and I know that I've got to trust him.
He's not on Cade's side. He's on mine.
He's on Mia's.
"O-okay," I concede, nodding my head slightly.
"Go get fucked up or something," he suggests before releasing me and taking a step back. "Sasha will look after her, you don't need to worry."
"Easier said than done," I mutter, turning back toward my bedroom.
Every inch of my body screams at me to walk toward Sasha's room, but something tells me that Cade is watching my every move right now, just waiting for me to fuck up.
I don't look back to see if anyone is following me, but I'm not surprised when Alex catches my door as I try to swing it closed. "Make yourself useful and grab whatever it was you'd taken the other night. I fucking need out of this hell."
"Bex, you can't—"
"Get it, Alex. I don't give a fuck about the past or what I should and shouldn't be doing right now." I may never have fully confessed to Alex about the sins of my past, he does know the basics about why I've stayed away from drugs since I moved to Gravestone.
Old habits die hard, and I'm always just one bad decision away from becoming that person once more.
When he returns, I don't even bother asking what they are before I throw the pills back, chase them down with the bottle of vodka he also helpfully brought me, and fall down onto my bed, ready to leave my nightmare behind for a few hours.
"We need to talk," I say, dropping into the chair beside Mia in class the next day.
I once again waited for her to arrive so I could follow in after. Thankfully, her arrival was much less dramatic than yesterday, and she managed to get inside without signing anyone's death certificate.
"Bex," she warns, the defeat in her voice gutting me.
"No, don't even try to fight me on this. I need to know what happened last night." I turn my eyes on her and she gasps. I know why. I look like a fucking mess.
I have no idea what time I finally passed out last night, but I'm pretty sure the sun was already starting to rise. What I do know is that I had more pills than I've consumed in a long time, and the bottle of vodka was long empty.
It worked, though. For about twenty blissful minutes, I forgot about everything. I felt light. I felt happy. I felt… numb.
I missed my class this morning. Hell, I missed all of my alarms and Alex and Channing coming in to try to drag my ass from bed, but I knew I wasn't missing this afternoon and my chance to get close to her.
"What did you do?" she asks, narrowing her eyes at me.
"I drowned it all out. But that's not the point. After class, we're talking."
"It's not going to make any of it better," she sighs.
"Maybe not. But it'll stop my fucking imagination going wild."
Her gaze darts away, her face showing her own lack of sleep last night. When she fixes her eyes on me again, I add, "And I need you to tell me what to expect for this Coglio. I need to know exactly what’s going to happen so I can be prepared for it."
Her fists clench in her lap at the mention of the upcoming ceremony, but I think we both know at this point that there's very little chance of her getting out of it, no matter how much it eats me up inside.
She's going to become Cade's.
Officially.
24
Mia
Bexley and I sneak into the woods after class. He goes first, and I follow him. Then, he guides me to a secluded opening and lays out his hoodie for me to sit on.
“Come on.” He tugs me down onto it.
“Tell me what happened first,” I whisper, noticing how tense he is.
It’s peaceful out here, so serene, but the way my heart races in my chest is anything but calm.
“I… fuck.” Bexley drags a hand down his face, over and over, and eventually, I take his hand in mine and peel it away.
“You can trust me,” I say.
“Fuck, Mia, it isn’t about trusting you. It’s about admitting something that might change the way you look at me.”
Dread snakes through me. “What did you do?”
“Cade… he… he took me and Alex to this warehouse on the edge of town. There was this guy. He wanted Alex to kill him.” He sucks in a harsh breath. “Shoot him at point-blank. It was a test… but Alex totally froze. I knew he couldn’t do it. He’s not built for this life.”
Oh God. Bile churns in my stomach as blood roars in my ears.
“Did you…”
“I had to.” He finally looks at me, and what I see there guts me. “I had to do it.”
“You killed a man?”
He nods, his eyes shuttering on another sharp intake of breath. “And I don’t think it’ll be the last time.”
“The guy in the mausoleum?” A chill runs through me.
“I don’t know. No one would
