See what you get for trying?
Gus felt even smaller, like a tiny sliver dissolving in the vastness of the void that surrounded him.
At some point, Gus fell asleep and dreamed about some of his jobs as a henchman. While the majority of his jobs were with Purple Faction, the guys had convinced him to take a couple jobs with the Factionless.
He awoke and for a while tried to think back on what those supers stood for. How they interacted with the world at large. He was embarrassed to say that he really didn’t know. They could have been horrible. He had just gone with the flow, and allowed himself to not feel any responsibility, since he wasn’t directly taking part in any atrocities. Maybe they had been benign, but the fact was Gus really didn’t know. He never took the time to find out.
Too late to do anything about it.
Was he any better now? He had gotten so much stronger than he was, but how had he really changed? Or had he? Despite all his powers, he was powerless now. Both to save Aurora and to keep the manor. It should have worked. Leech was an amazingly OP skill and only someone like him could lose despite having it.
Just rest. These worries are past.
Gus realized all the time he had wasted worrying about the future. Trying to prepare for things that never happened, or regretting poor choices that left lasting consequences. Always wishing he could go back in time and erase them. Then life would be better.
He recalled his epiphany about Basileus. That could have been him. Easily. And would he be any less trapped? Would he be better off if things had gone as he had always wished? It would just be a different void, with no apparent progress. But he would have the illusion of someday finding… what? That he was worth something? Of showing everyone they were wrong? Getting the validation from those he admired?
Is that what I’m chasing? Is that what warrants all this effort?
Gus let it all go. He let go the shame of his past mistakes; those were done. He shifted his focus onto what he should change now. Without the fear of failure and losing the manor or protecting Aurora, Gus let himself go.
He didn’t even have to support his physical body as the feeling of falling changed to a sensation that the air was trying to support him. He relaxed and imagined himself turning into a giant lump of lead. The visualization allowed his postural muscles to relax, and he sunk deeper inward, retreating from trying to change and manage his environment and just let himself be.
He went deeper inward, barely hearing a chime sound and losing the sound of the wind rushing by him. What do I want? What have I been chasing? Let it go. One by one, Gus let his cares and desires be pulled away, floating away like ashes in the breeze. They were consumed as they floated further away from him. Expectation. Duty. Responsibility. Any false facade he had erected to be accepted by another crumbled and floated off.
It was possible he slept during this time. It was a different perspective than Gus had ever let himself have in his whole life. He didn’t have to do anything but be himself. His core self. And he was surprised to see that underneath all the garbage he had collected throughout his life that he had been trying to be happy by pleasing everyone else but himself. He let go of the things he had held close and opened himself to viewing his life, without judgment or blame.
Gus looked at himself laid bare and was surprised to see his father. He had never seen the parallel between him and his father, but from this vantage they were nearly identical. He worked to be seen a certain way by Purple Faction the same way Gus had worked to have others accept him. Scales of anger flaked away as he accepted that his father was just trying to do the best with the cards he had been dealt. He could see how he had placed his filter on every action, interpreting them in the worst light.
He felt embarrassment at all of his tantrums when his dad hadn’t given him what he had wanted, whether it be attention, respect, or whatever he imagined would validate him. Gus wondered how he would cope in the same situation. Funny how he judged others on their behaviors and himself on his good intentions. Naive and immature, the embarrassment and shame intensified as he confronted his lack of maturity.
Gus found that he could let the embarrassment go as well. It was strange to see that he clung to this negative feeling as part of his self-view. Just like his father, he was doing the best he could at the moment.
Or was he? Guilt presented itself as the next layer. Guilt for wasting so much time playing games, being lazy, making no effort to make something of his life. Binging obscure TV shows that only gave him the ability to make pop culture references that no one would understand. Without the expectation pressing on him anymore, Gus was able to let go of the guilt.
He had changed. He recognized his behavior as a coping mechanism. An inefficient one that gave poor consolation, but he saw it for what it was. And that it was a step on his path. More meandering and aimless than it could have been, but it had eventually led him to other things. Better things. He let go of the guilt of not being perfect from the start. Releasing himself of the burden of failing to make the right decision all the time.
He didn’t know when he had crossed the line, but he wasn’t the same aimless person waiting for life to happen. He had a mission. Correction, he’d had a mission—past tense. Without the feeling of duty, did he still feel
