He couldn’t think of a reason, and he found that he didn’t care. He had always felt like he was on his own, with no one reliable in his life. Had that finally changed, or had he just refused to see who was there all along? He reflected on all the things he promised himself would happen if he got powers.
He always thought he’d be fighting for the less fortunate. He had never thought that his colleagues would have as many challenges as the regs did. It was always hard to see things clearly when they were high up on a pedestal, though.
Ideas formed in Gus mind. Paths he had never considered. Possibilities. He got so lost in his thoughts that Darik had to nudge him when the lift finally arrived. They went back to the surface and Darik took him to the corsair.
“Wow.”
“She’s a beauty, ain’t she?”
“I’ll say.”
“Come aboard, we’ll get ready for takeoff.”
The inside of the ship was nice and comfortable. It was how he had always imagined a billionaire’s luxury jet. He ran his fingers across the top of one of the seats.
“Rich Corinthian leather,” he muttered with a smile.
The ride back was uneventful, though a somber mood permeated the group.
“I know exactly what Harmony’s feeling,” Nick said abruptly.
“Yeah?” Gus replied, looking over at her.
She was repeating some of the same phrases. “He saw everything,” and other barely intelligible mutters.
Grimdark insisted on staying by her side, but at times she barely seemed to notice his reassuring hand gripping hers as he massaged her forearm gently, trying to console her.
“When he dosed you with whatever that white poison was, I was cut off. Not only from communicating with you—but from everything. The Nth are part of a collective; you would best know it like a hive-mind. The others are always in the background, but we can’t communicate directly. It’s like being in the room with a sleeping person. You can sense their presence but not interact. Even when we are stripped of our interfaces after an apocalypse event and we prepare for the long trip to another planet, we lose our individuality, but we are always together.”
“No, I get it. Being alone sucks.”
“Down there, I was plunged into an abyss of solitude. Much like you experienced in that bottomless pit. But there was nothing. No communication, sensation, or feedback of any kind. I was cut off from the quantum server. Do you know what that’s like? I have nearly instantaneous access to anything I need to know, even if I can’t divulge it directly to a host. But that connection was totally severed. I feared that I would be alone forever. That may not sound so bad to you, but for an Nth, being cast out is our version of hell. Over time, I felt like I was losing pieces of myself. Drifting apart like an ice cube dissolving in that void.”
Gus remembered his own experience in the pit, and shook his head. “I know what you mean. Time does weird things when you’re in the dark like that.”
“The worst part was that I had no idea if it would ever end. It felt like an eternity. With how quickly we process information, to suddenly have… nothing. I have never seen a host go insane, but I could see how an Nth could lose themself in such a situation. Nth never ‘die’ in the typical sense, we simply reincarnate as a new construct for a time. But that is the first time I have experienced the potential for oblivion.”
“I guess we humans just know that death is part of the package. Still scares the hell out of us, though. The unknown.”
“Fear, yes. Mine was that I would be permanently locked out of the system if I ever did get out of that awful place. Just like a hacked Nth. That might be a fate worse than oblivion. Seeing what was there but being permanently separated from it. I know I have been severe with you, Gus, but this persona drives me to be tough on you. I realize now that possibly there was a different approach that would have been more effective.”
“You know, Nick, I wonder if it was what I needed all along. Things are just clearer now. The headaches were driving me crazy, and I was too busy trying to meet an impossible ideal I had created. It just took a series of extended torture to put things into perspective. All the stupid things I worried about just seem so inconsequential now. Through the pain, it brought the present into laser focus. I’m going to try staying here for a while to make some changes. I’m sure I’ll make a ton of mistakes, as usual, but I’m not going to let it paralyze me like before. I’m not making any more excuses for myself.”
“So you’re saying that I should’ve just signed you up for Mengele’s program from the beginning, and we could have skipped all the unpleasantness between us?”
“You do what you need to do, Nick. I’ve got a hard head, so it’s probably the only thing that would get through. I’ll be more open to suggestions. The more I learn about these powers, the more I realize I really know just about nothing.”
“And that’s a good thing. Believe it or not, you haven’t been conditioned to fit someone’s agenda. You’re free to pursue your own path. With all the inherent advantages and disadvantages of that responsibility.”
“I didn’t used to think so, but you’re probably right. I’m a living paradox when it comes to relying on others. I can’t stop myself from relying on people’s opinions, but I want to be independent at the same time.”
“It’s more common in humans than you think. Remember that.”
“Hey, I just realized the headaches are gone. They got swallowed up in all of the other things going on, but they really are gone.”
“Your system is clear too, hormone levels are stable, and no buildup of any
