Amy squeezed his hand. ‘And did you?’
Donovan remembered the commotion above him as he pulled the baby out from the car. Carla was splashing in the water, panicking as she struggled to stay afloat. ‘I got him out,’ Donovan replied. ‘But not in time. Carla had jumped in to help me, but then got into trouble herself. I managed to drag both of them ashore . . . God knows how.’ He remembered the feeling of relief as he touched solid ground. His legs trembling from the adrenalin rush. Of dragging Carla as far as he could before his arms gave way. The feel of the baby in his arms, waterlogged and lifeless as he handed him over to the paramedics who were waiting on the shore. ‘He was escorted by air ambulance to the hospital, but they couldn’t bring him around.’ He blinked away the tears which had formed in his eyes. ‘It was my fault, Amy. The lot of it. If I’d kept Dix in as I should have, none of it would have happened.’
‘And if the little boy’s mother hadn’t left him in the car then Dix wouldn’t have been able to drive off.’ A beat passed between them. ‘If’ was the most painful word of all. ‘Don’t let it torture you. It’s in the past. I know what I’m talking about.’
But Amy’s words fell away as long-buried guilt came to the fore. ‘Don’t you see? I took shortcuts. Made decisions for myself rather than what was best for everyone. If I’d played things by the book, that little boy would be alive today . . .’
‘You don’t know that.’
‘But I do. Dix’s ex would have got the help she needed, and her son would have been safe. Why do you think I’m always drumming up the importance of playing things by the book? I learnt the hard way. I would never wish that on you.’
‘We all have our demons to battle,’ Amy said, staring out to sea. ‘We’ve all done things we regret. It’s part of being human. We either learn from our mistakes or let them consume us.’ Silence passed as they sat, watching the ship carry on with its voyage across the sea. Amy was right. And it had felt good to unburden himself. Bicks had lied to his wife to spare her the truth of the awful outcome of that day, but there was no way Donovan could have Amy thinking he was some kind of hero.
‘Carla put me on a pedestal . . .’ he finally said. ‘That’s why Shaun was so annoyed when he gave me her diary.’ He remembered the hurt in his eyes as he passed the diary over. Carla’s words must have stung. The writing had been tiny; jotted notes throughout the day. I can’t believe how good D looks. I miss working with him. As the diary evolved, it was obvious who ‘D’ was.
Seeing D on TV has helped me remember what a great team we were. I’d give anything to work with him again. He owns the room. Commands people’s respect. Imagine being with someone like that? Donovan’s discomfort had grown with each page he read, until he came to a section of notes that made him sit up. He took the diary from his pocket and pointed them out to Amy.
‘You might find these interesting,’ he said. ‘I’m not having people gossiping, and it isn’t fair on her family. You know how these things slip to the press.’ Over the last year, the press had got hold of case updates before they were officially released. His team was high profile, and he couldn’t stand to see Carla’s words on the printed page. Amy’s lips moved silently as she read through the passages, squinting in the dim light. At first, Donovan had thought the mention of April had meant something was coming up that month. But as he’d read on, it became apparent that it was a girl’s name.
April. Will do as much digging as poss. If I could return her to her family, it might earn me a comm. She had meant a commendation, something highly prized in the police. Next year, with a few cases under my belt, I’ll apply for a transfer. D might have me on his team. Find out as much about W as possible. Need to keep her on side.
‘She’s talking about me here.’ Amy pointed at the page.
Donovan frowned. Carla’s words were almost childlike in nature, and he didn’t want Amy to think of her like that. ‘She would have been a good asset to the team,’ he said. ‘She reminds me of you in some ways . . .’
‘Really?’ Amy snickered, her smile dropping when she caught the expression on his face. ‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t judge. I didn’t know her. But she certainly wanted to work with you.’
Taking the diary from Amy’s hands, he flicked forward to a dog-eared page. ‘Read this.’
April’s coming back to Clacton. This is my chance. I’ve got to win Tina’s trust. Their graffiti tags are a cry for help, I’m sure of it. Amy’s mouth fell open at the revelation. ‘She’s talking about the teenagers. And they’ve been here before.’ She stared at Donovan as she expressed her surprise. ‘What did she mean, a cry for help? This is important. Why didn’t you tell me?’
‘Because I’m going to deal with it myself.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘There’s a reason Carla kept this to herself. She’d want me to follow up on it. So leave it to me.’ Amy took a breath to speak but he silenced her with a gaze. ‘I mean it, Amy. I don’t want anyone knowing about this. Not yet. If I come up with anything concrete, I’ll let you know.’ He took the diary from Amy’s hands, pocketing it with care. To see Carla’s words on the page had strengthened his grief even more. He stared out to sea, trying to keep it together. Carla had been more
