“You have much to learn,” Lucifer said, ignoring the look on my face. “In order to acquire your new abilities and gain the knowledge you need—not to mention the experience and leadership—you’ll need to attend the Infernal Academy.”
Christina gasped. Wait—how did she know what Lucifer was talking about and I didn’t?
“Academy?” I asked. “I already went to college. Got a degree in Information Systems—I fix computers for a living.”
“Pish tosh,” Lucifer said, dismissing my four years of secondary education with a wave of the hand. “That’s not real school, young man. The Infernal Academy is the most prestigious institution of learning in all Nine Circles of Hell! All the best and brightest of the Infernal Realm attend, and are given my gifts in return for their scholarship.”
Next to me, Christina sank to her knees. I couldn’t blame her for being overwhelmed—I felt the same way, too.
“For some reason,” I said, feeling cocky, “I’m thinking it’s also the only institution of learning in the Nine Circles. What, do you have an Ivy League of Hell or something?”
Lucifer shrugged. “The Celestial Realm has their own college,” he said with an expansive shrug. “But you wouldn’t like it there—trust me. Too many rules, and no parties. Stuffy prigs with sticks up their behinds, the lot of them.”
A sneaking suspicion entered my mind. “You washed out from there, didn’t you?”
Lucifer seemed taken aback. “I prefer ‘fell from grace’,” he growled, his eyes narrowing. “I do tolerate a great deal of impudence in my potential heirs, young man—a little rebellion never hurt anyone, after all. But there are limits. It would do you well to remember that.”
I shut my mouth. I had plenty to think of, after all—Lucifer had just confirmed that both Hell and Heaven were real, tangible places. All the arguments throughout human history, the millions of hours spent on philosophy and religion and scientific thought—they’d just been upended with a few simple declaratory statements. I’d said I wasn’t a terribly religious guy, but just then all the lessons I’d absorbed in Sunday School as a kid came back with a vengeance. I swallowed hard, daring myself to ask another question.
“So all that stuff about the afterlife—Heaven, Hell, all that shit...that’s real?” I tried to make it sound casual. “I mean, I need to know, if I’m gonna be your new recruit.”
Lucifer sighed. “Mortals. Always so preoccupied with destination over journey.” He made another steeple with his fingers on the table, a sign I was already beginning to learn meant the Master of Hell was irritated with me. “Those stories—and they are just that, stories—you absorbed as a child are...well. They’re like peering at a fine, artistic painting through a window. A window that is covered in so much dirt and grime, the true picture can never be seen clearly—only guessed at. Do you understand?”
I didn’t. And I wanted to know—desperately, as it turned out.
I opened my mouth to ask yet another question. Only for Christina to cut me off.
“Prince of Darkness!” the blonde whimpered, lowering her head all the way to the floor. Her forehead touched the stone, her ass rising into the air to compensate. I couldn’t help but notice the way the posture made everything below her waist look amazing. “I...I apologize for my behavior earlier! I did not know it was you! I could not have fathomed…”
Lucifer looked like he’d been waiting for just this moment, and was happy to have something other than tedious questions about the afterlife to focus on. “Of course, my faithful servant,” the aged figure said with a chuckle. “Although you knew not what you were doing at the time, you have served me well. This man will make a fine candidate for my succession.”
Christina’s shoulders slumped against the floor in a posture of almost comic relief. “Yes, my Lord!”
I’d thought I’d been shocked when I ended up in a medieval basement with Lucifer himself. But it was Christina’s behavior that proved to be the true surprise.
“Lord?” I grabbed Christina’s shoulder and hauled her to her feet angrily. “You know this guy?”
“Well, no,” Christina said with a laugh. “Hardly anyone actually knows the Devil! I mean, do you have any idea how favored you have to be to actually get a face-to-face interview with the man himself? In my wildest fantasies, I never dreamed I’d get the opportunity…”
Something inside my chest went cold. “You’re a devil worshipper,” I realized. Pieces clicked together in my head—the books in Latin, the strange symbols on her bedpost. The ‘camping trip’ that I now realized was anything but. “Holy shit. You’re a Satanist?”
“Um, duh,” Christina purred. “How do you think I got this gorgeous and successful, babe? Hard work?” She tossed her head back and laughed.
My lips felt numb. I should have figured it out earlier, of course. The signs were all there. But how often did ‘hey, the girl I’m maybe about to bang kinda seems like she might worship Lucifer’ come into the equation in an ordinary guy’s life?
“She called to me in her prayers when she was but a girl,” Lucifer said. He sounded almost proud. “An ugly duckling...but with ambition.”
Christina gasped, clasping her hands beneath her breasts. “My Lord, you remember me!?”
“I remember all my followers,” Lucifer said with a smug smile. “From the mightiest to the smallest.”
Christina turned to me, her words babbling out in an excited rush. “I was so tired of being the girl all the other girls picked on,” she said quickly. “It was torture, Luke—you didn’t know me then. You wouldn’t have recognized me. I was, like, a totally different person then…”
“She was,” Lucifer added.
“And I’d just seen that movie The Craft,” Christina babbled, “and I thought—shit, maybe I could do a spell or something to get those girls off
