For me, I think of Zion as the princess and strong woman that I want to be an example of. Mainly I want her to not become the person that her father is. Because I treat Zion like what I want for her, she falls into it. So, baby mamas, don’t do that to your kids—treating them like you wish you could treat their fathers. Even if they do look just like their daddy, or even if they act a little like him, your kids are not their fathers. They are precious gifts from God and they deserve a future of love and happiness andhope. Cherish the relationship with your children; it’s the only lifelong relationship you will have, and it’s the most important relationship.
The love that comes from your children is thetruth. It doesn’t depend on how you look or how your dress fits you. When your children look at you, it is almost as if they are blind to any of the outside things that the world is so concerned with. They can’t see your clothes or your makeup or that you need to get your hair done. All they see isyou. Don’t get me cryin’!
Of course I would love to someday have a man who makes me feel beautiful. I have tried having a relationship during this year ofIdol, and it hasn’t always worked out. Dealing with men can be hard work! I have dated several young men who have become friends, mostly, but one relationship in particular could have become something, but we were both too young and too immature to handle it. Although it hurts me to think of losing him, I have already put my romantic life back into God’s hands. Although I have been able to build my self-esteem substantially, sometimes I have moments that are filled with loneliness. No matter how confident I have become and no matter how much my family and friends support me, it’s only natural that people want to be paired up. I think it hurts the most for us single mothers because we had a childwith someone and now something is missing, no one is there. As all women, I do want a man in my life to help me raise my child, but I’m at least ready and willing to wait for the right one.
The rest of my self-esteem story ends much like a fairy tale. When I was shootingIdol and I had made it to the Top 4, my friend Erin and I were walking through the mall in Los Angeles looking for the MAC store. I had started wearing MAC makeup during theIdol competition because they gave it to all of the contestants. We were looking for the store and I was pretending that I was one of the people on the displays over the makeup counter. I was making faces, poutin’ my lips out, and pretending that I had a deal with MAC to endorse the lipsticks. Erin said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if MAC offered you some kind of endorsement deal because of your lips?” I said, “That isnever going to happen.”
About two months later, I got a call from someone from my management company saying that MAC called and they wanted to use me for a line of Fantasia lipsticks. The lipstick would be called the Fantabulous line. They proposed creating two different shades of Lip Glass for me. The two were to be called Fantabulous 1 and Fantabulous 2. Lip Glass is really just lip gloss. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t stop shaking. It was unbelievable that a cosmetic company would want to use me and promote a woman who looks like me. I loved the colors and they never ran or smudged off my big lips. I had a blast working with the folks at MAC and picking out the colors for my two Fantabulous shades. We decided on one that was a deep purple and another that was a shiny bronze color.
Soon after that, I was also asked to endorse American Rag jeans—can you believe it? S&B, Skin and Bones, endorsing a line of jeans. It seems like the person that I told myself I was, Iwasn’t. The people at MAC and American Rag saw me as “beautiful,” “appealing,” and “real.” It makes me wonder why I wasted so much time hating myself when it was true that people did love me and who I was. The thing that I learned is that loving yourself is the only way to live.
The American Rag was perfect for me because they are the only jeans that are cut for women who have especially long legs. I have always been all legs. I was told they wanted me because they had seen my body type and liked my style and what I stood for. The ads had a picture of me in the jeans and it reads, “I’m an American.” They thought that I represented the casual side of being an American and anAmerican Idol. They said that I amreal. American Rag even designed a line of jeans with the outline of my lips on the pocket in silver studs. Isn’t that a trip?
During my American Rag endorsement, I was also asked to be a part of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. They asked me to be on the United States Postal Service float, which was the Winner’s Float, alongside Olympic track stars. I was asked to sing “I Believe,” which was fitting for me because although I had dreams, I still couldn’t believe that I was standing on that float in New York City, in the most famous parade in theworld. Who would have believed that I, an ugly ducklin’ with a strange name, would became an American Idol and a model? But if you believe in God, everything is possible.
What isimpossible is going through life feeling that you have no worth. We girls all have to stop believing the media and the images that they
