‘Coming!’ Fen called out and turned over the letter, placing her pen carefully on top of the blank side before opening the door. ‘Oh hello, James,’ she said, and noticed that her voice sounded a bit frosty. She hadn’t meant to sound like that and was just wondering if subconsciously she was feeling a bit peeved with him for lying to her, when he spoke.
‘Wrong side of the bed?’ He sounded a trifle defensive and Fen gave a small sigh.
‘No.’ She stepped back and welcomed him in, glad that she was used to living in relatively cramped quarters and naturally kept things quite tidy. ‘I’m a bit off-kilter, that’s all. I know I agreed to stay on board with Eloise last night, and it’ll be a marvellous adventure… I mean, seeing New York!’ Fen gesticulated with her arms, trying to buoy herself up, but then deflated. ‘Now it comes to it and I’m trying a write a letter to Kitty, and I’ll need to tell my folks too… well, what seemed like a fantastic notion last night, suddenly feels like I’m letting down a lot of people who care about me here in England.’
Fen sat down on the bed and waited for James to speak. He wasn’t forthcoming so Fen chipped in, ‘We are in England now, aren’t we? I haven’t peered outside yet.’
James snorted out a laugh and nodded. Then motioned towards the bed. ‘May I?’
‘Of course.’ Fen moved up and let James sit down next to her.
‘I know Kitty and Mrs B are desperate to see you. And I’m sure your parents are too, it’s only natural. But…’ he took in a deep breath and spread his hands out over his knees.
Fen noticed how he’d lost the tan he’d had when she first met him, from months working in the vineyard. James was only in his thirties, but his hands looked older, as if they’d seen a lifetime of experience already; not the hands of your average viscount at any rate.
Finally he spoke again, ‘They’re not the only people who care about you. Or feel happier with themselves in your company.’
‘They’re the people I’ve known, and loved, the longest though.’ Fen pulled her gaze away from his hands and looked up at his face. He was staring straight forward and all she could see was the set of his jaw gently moving as he ground his back teeth.
‘I’m sorry I lied to you. About my intention to stay on board, I mean. I was going to get a ticket home, right up until we were in that booking office and the cashier asked me where I wanted to go, and I don’t know…’ He ran one of his hands through his sandy blond hair. ‘At that moment I suddenly felt as if I wasn’t ready to go home. To take on all the responsibilities of what my family’s death means.’
As Fen listened, she felt acutely aware that she had been complaining about putting off seeing her parents for what would only be another few weeks or so, while James would never see his parents or older brother again.
‘You see, I don’t think I’m quite ready to. Take them all on, I mean. Not on my own at any rate.’
‘I’m sorry, James, here’s me bleating on about my parents and it was terribly insensitive of me.’
At last, James turned to look at Fen. ‘No, Fen, I didn’t mean to compare… I was only trying to explain.’
She looked into the cool blue of his eyes. ‘We’ve never really spoken about your parents, James. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I know you lost someone special too.’ Fen always felt incredibly awkward comforting people, knowing what to say to someone who had lost their family had never been her strong suit, and although she did want to offer James a shoulder, she was a little relieved when he stood up and turned to face her.
‘Come to New York. I’ll not stay there long and at some point, on either this voyage or the next, I’ll tell you all about them. But not now.’ He nodded towards the letter Fen was midway through writing, ‘Tell Kitty from me that I’ll buy her something from America as compensation for borrowing her best friend. And, Fen…’
‘Yes?’
‘Take Eloise up on her offer of a shopping trip to Southampton. We don’t set sail again until this evening, and as much as I admire your dress sense for its sensible nature and aptness for the fields,’ James’s face had a far less serious look on it now than it had a few minutes ago, ‘dungarees and jumpers might not cut it at the captain’s table.’
He ducked as Fen threw her pillow at him, but then picked it up from the floor by the cabin door.
‘You cheeky blighter!’ Fen couldn’t help but laugh, he was after all right, and she hadn’t boarded the ship with much more than she had left Midhurst with directly after the war had ended.
She knew there was a branch of her bank in Southampton and her parents would have been paying her allowance all the while she was away. She’d never let Eloise pay for anything for her, especially not if her aunt was stumping up for the whole voyage, but she was sure she’d be able to afford something smarter for the next few nights on board.
A horn blared out before she could think any more about it.
‘That’ll be the gangplanks down then. Meet you on deck in a bit?’
‘Yes, fine.’ Fen reached out and James passed her pillow back to her. ‘If you promise to stop being so beastly about my wardrobe.’ She raised her eyebrows at him and he chuckled and nodded. ‘I better finish off these letters, which will be easier with your promises of candies and presents.’ James bowed in acknowledgement
