Why dredge up the past? Am I prepared to discuss difficult and uncomfortable things about parents, family members, friends, colleagues, and of course, about myself? Wouldn’t it be better for those memories just to rest in peace? What’s the point? I had plenty of good excuses not to write a book. But one thought countered them. Perhaps the connection that Carol Brady opened up in the hearts and minds of millions was just preparation, a gateway for me to do more. Perhaps my story could inspire and help others who continue to face similar challenges in their lives.
I realized that all my doubts about doing a book were completely normal for someone who as a young child had endured abuse and abandonment because of alcoholism. We suffer a guilt syndrome in one form or another because we were so powerless to help at the time. If we’re not paralyzed by fear, anger, and hatred, or numbed by our own addictions, we have to overcome deep-seated reactive patterns. In addition to being workaholics who are stuck on the galloping horse, some of us also grow up to become control freaks to keep real and imagined chaos away. Others become gregarious caregivers trying to please everybody, except ourselves. And many, including yours truly, end up doing most of the above!
This book is written as a natural consequence of forgiveness and compassion, not only for those whose actions may have caused harm, but most important, for myself. I say this because victims have to forgive themselves for what they did or didn’t do in response or for holding on to negative emotions like sadness, anger, and hatred. I too have made my fair share of mistakes and gone through periods of personal turmoil that certainly created upheaval around me. Without that sense of honesty and forgiveness, it is nearly impossible to clean the slate and move forward to a happier and healthier life.
I’ve chosen not to go into any great detail about my childhood up to this point for a very simple reason. I wasn’t comfortable talking about it. I have come to realize that my decades-long silence was a classic pattern of normal response to an abnormal circumstance of deprivation and neglect. It is a syndrome that millions of others, both children and grown-ups, may be dealing with at this very moment, regardless of whether it is happening right now, stuck in constant flashback, or, worse yet, recycled in continuing and escalating drama in our lives.
At the heart of my silence is the sense of guilt that I surely felt as a little girl living under such conditions. Realistically, a small child living in an abusive environment has few choices and little power to change things. That guilt keeps the victim not just quiet but makes them seek out the approval and affection of the abuser. “Perhaps it was all my fault.” “If only I could have done more.” So thinks the child so often in that situation. It is no wonder why I so gladly took on the role of a relentless caregiver in relationships later on.
Regarding my parents, I came to accept that they were coping the best they could with the hand they were dealt. If Joseph and Elizabeth Henderson could read the pages that speak of their lives, I hope they would view the content as healing for themselves as well. Who knows how far back the cycle of dysfunction had gone unchecked through generations of their ancestors. There were many things that remained largely unspoken during their lifetimes that I hope these pages might serve to bring forward and clarify.
Obviously, this is not a book about only the good times and success I’ve had. Yes, I have had a lot of laughs along the way, and I trust you will see in these pages how my sense of humor has been a steadfast companion throughout it all. What’s more important is what happened when things were not good and how adversity was handled. Our choices in those moments have important and often dramatic consequences. Any success I’ve had has drawn upon the lessons learned and strength tempered through difficult times. Out of that mix of drama and pathos, comedy and farce, and laughter and tears that make up our daily lives, I hope my story will remind us that no matter how serious or dire our situations may be, each of us has unbounded potential to transcend the most formidable of obstacles.
The book will also deal with some of the more significant health challenges I’ve faced and conquered. I’ll speak specifically about bouts of postpartum depression, hearing loss, and heart problems. You don’t have to scratch the surface so deeply to see how the mind, body, and spirit are so indelibly linked. I share these too with the spirit that they will awaken a greater awareness of how imbalances in our lives find expression in our weakest links.
It took a long time, but I was ultimately able to create a life of more profound joy and purpose. The process has not been easy, you’ll understand in frank detail as you read on. Although my life has been a dream come true in so many ways, success didn’t make all my problems go away. Reliving things in the writing of this book that happened many decades ago has brought back a mix of fond memories and others that I’d have rather chosen to forget. The lumps in my throat and tears in my eyes remind me that much sadness still remains.
I know that for the rest of my life I will remain a work in progress, with wounds still to heal and lingering pain in old scars. But thankfully, I did something about it. Piercing through the many protective layers of illusion does require painful self-examination and a fair measure of courage. I have learned it takes
