“Am I a bitch or a hot mama?” I want to know.
Kat gives me a sideways glance. “That’s yourquestion?”
“I’m pretty sure that we’re out of medal contention thisevening,” I add, as Leslie brings forth a woman of unknown origin.
“Ladies and bitches,” Leslie slurs, raising a glass ofsomething alcoholic and sweet, “I’d like you to help me welcome the first oftonight’s entertainers.”
“The first?” I whisper.
“Shh…this is getting good.” Kat strains to see over theheads of people seated in front of us. I can make out orange-tanned flesh, redlipstick, and wrinkles on the entertainer.
“This gorgeous babe—”
“Not,” Kat coughs.
“—comes straight from the Playboy mansion—”
“After a twenty-year detour,” Kat adds.
“—to teach us all a little bit about…sex!” Lesliecheers. “It’s the one and only…Candy Cox!”
“Woo-hoo!” Kat calls out to the silent room, standing up.“This sure beats ninth-grade health class, am I right?” Thirty women stare ather, bemused looks on their faces. “I mean, bitches, am I right?” Theroom explodes in applause and whistling.
After a good minute of whooping, Kat sits, delighted withherself. She winks at me.
“Some people just don’t get your humor,” I explain.
“Yeah. My kindergarteners, for one.”
“Still, that’s what makes it so beautiful to be around.”
“To be in the moment and yet to make fun ofthe moment. That’s where my true talent lies.”
We turn back to the center of the room, where Candy Cox isholding the largest dildo I’ve ever seen.
“Is it my imagination, or did everyone just lean in alittle closer?” the woman seated to my right jokes.
“That’s all kinds of inappropriate,” Kristen says, staringat the slightly floppy, undulating mass in Candy’s hands.
“Now, hot mamas,” Candy begins, “This is my show-and-sharetime, like in school.”
“Just like.” Kat nods. She cannot help herself. On a goodday, she’s compelled to create a snappy retort. But at an event like this? Withsuch good material just waiting to be manipulated for her delight? I stoptrying to restrain her.
Candy starts passing sex toys around the room. “Don’tworry, ladies. Every one of you is going to get a chance to examine and feelthese toys. And then I’ll tell you where you can put them! Dildos, vibrators,anal toys, balls, lubricants, ticklers, and condoms are among the surprises inmy bag.”
“I’ve heard of condoms!” a woman named Lexie jokes,leaning against a wall on the other side of the room, waving her hand in theair like she’s just won a prize.
“Good for you, sweetie. Your husband must frequent the clubsalong the Jersey Turnpike,” Candy replies matter-of-factly.
Ouch. Lexie slumps down onto the floor.
“Hey,” someone calls out to Candy. “Didn’t I see you on TheNew Newlyweds? You look so familiar!”
“Indeed you did, hot thing. My husband and I dabble inreality TV, when we’re not making porn.”
“Now, that’s a nice career. You don’t get stuck in a rutthat way, like you do with tenure.” Kat stands and stretches. “I’m getting arefill. Anyone?” she asks, glancing around to the group of women seated closestto us.
We shake our heads no and continue watching theentertainment.
“I don’t usually start with the largest unit of the bunch,but I could tell that you wild ladies needed some stiff competition, if youknow what I mean!”
The ginormous faux penis is coming my way. “What is thatmade of?” I ask. “Does it have veins?”
“I agree, it looks really authentic,” someone adds.“Except that it’s twenty times larger than my husband’s.”
The dildo is being passed around the room like it’s a trayof turkey at Thanksgiving. It is that cumbersome. People have to puttheir whole upper torsos into maneuvering it around from person to person. Myfriend Susie holds it out to me, both palms extended upward. I mimic thegesture, and the thing sort of rolls onto my palms. It’s heavy and clammy tothe touch, like a huge dead trout. Not that I’ve ever held a dead trout. Or oneof these, come to think of it.
“Huh,” is all I can muster before passing it on toKristen.
“Eyes up here, please!” Candy Cox sings, trying to tear usaway from show-and-share time. A low hum of chatter fills the room as smallgroups of women giggle away their collective discomfort. “Ladies, if I couldhave your attention—”
“Biiiiitchaaaaas!” Leslie—excuse me, Lady Hoochie—cracksher whip against a sofa table, sending pictures of her children flying.Immediate quiet descends over the room. “Listen and learn, hot mamas, and giveyour undivided attention to Candy Cox! I will not stand for misbehavior. Anyonewho does not cooperate has to see me outside!”
“Ooh…” arises from the crowd, on the verge of ridiculingLeslie. Who does she think she is? You can almost hear the partygoersask it, souring the mood. But since no one wants to dare her to test herthreat, we get mute pretty fast.
“Raise your dildo if you think she’s taking thisrole-playing a tad seriously,” Kat whispers to whoever is in earshot. “Scootover, I lost my seat,” she instructs. Susie moves down one and Kat settles innext to me again.
Candy has the floor once more. “Like to pleasure yourselfon the go? Looking for something compact, something great for travel?”
Candy digs deep into her short-shorts and produces whatlooks like a lipstick.
“I don’t see any pockets on those shorts,” Susie says.
She has a point. Unfortunately.
“It looks like a lipstick, doesn’t it, ladies?” Candyasks.
Several women nod their heads, trying to be diligentpupils.
“But not everything is what it seems…” She pulls off thetop and flips some microscopic switch. A tiny buzz fills the room. Candy smilesand holds it out for all to see, rotating her palm this way and that.“Ingenious, am I right?”
“What is it?” Susie whispers.
As if on cue, Candy responds, “It’s a lipstick vibrator!Carry it in your purse, take it wherever you go!” She sends it around the roomas her lecture continues. “How many times have you been having dinner, bored bythe company, thinking about getting off—”
“Every Sunday at Grandma’s,” Kat murmurs.
“But, with the lipstick vibrator, all you have to do isgrab your purse and excuse yourself to the powder room—”
“Okay, it’s officially time for me to leave.” Kristenstands and gives a halfhearted wave in our direction. “Tell Hoochie I said good-bye,will you?”
“But…you’ll miss the pole dancing!” I counter.
“Thank God
