Chapter Twenty-Two
You’ve made the worst mistake of your life, the little voice in Beth’s head kept telling her spitefully.
It was only a few hours since Josh had ridden away without a backwards glance and already she was pining for him. The thought that she would never see him again made her feel as though her heart were ripping in two.
You sent him away.
And she had, cruelly and without any hint of emotion. She’d had to make him leave, knowing her resolve could crumble at any moment, knowing one kind word from him and she would collapse into his arms.
Beth closed her eyes and tried to shut out all the self-recriminations and doubts. She’d done it for Annabelle, for her mother. She had done her duty. In years to come, surely she wouldn’t regret that.
She was sitting in the summer house on one of the wooden benches, trying to block out the memories of being in here with Josh. When she trailed her fingers along the wood of the seat she felt as though he were there with her, about to materialise with that easy grin and tease her about something.
She remembered all of their conversations, from the first time they’d met at his brother’s party when she had mistaken him for Leonard, as they’d got to know each other little by little in London, to the times she’d bared her soul to him down here on the Sussex coast. He’d loved her, knowing exactly who she was, knowing every last flaw and secret.
Wrapping her arms around herself, she hugged tight, trying to fool herself it was Josh holding her. Despite her words, despite pushing him away so completely, Beth realised she was having doubts.
‘It’s too late,’ she murmured to herself. Too late to change her mind, too late to change her future.
She wanted to do her duty, to see her family looked after, but as her mother had watched Josh ride away with a satisfied smile on her face Beth had seen for the first time what others might see, looking in. She’d remembered Josh’s protestation that she couldn’t blame herself for something that happened when she was five years old, that their mother should be the one to feel responsible for leaving Annabelle unsupervised and five-year-old Beth wasn’t at fault. In all the years that had passed, years filled with guilt and regret, it had always been Beth’s fault. Annabelle had never placed the blame at her door, but their mother had, and now Beth was realising that it just wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t be solely her responsibility to provide for Annabelle’s future. Of course, she wanted to look after her sister, but it shouldn’t be that she had to; that should fall at their mother’s feet.
‘I thought you might be hiding out here,’ Annabelle said, pulling the light shawl up around her shoulders as she stepped into the summer house. It was still a bright day but not as warm as the last few had been and there were clouds gathering in the sky.
‘How are you?’
‘Better, thank you. I’m sorry for being so self-indulgent.’
‘Don’t be silly. It was a horrible ordeal for you.’
Annabelle came and sat down next to her, taking the spot Josh had sat in only a few days earlier.
‘I think you might have done something stupid, Beth,’ she said quietly.
‘I think I have.’
‘I saw Mr Joshua Ashburton riding off at quite a pace earlier today. He didn’t look like a man who had got what he wanted.’
Pressing her lips together to hold in the emotion, Beth shook her head.
‘He asked me to marry him.’
‘Why did you say no?’ Annabelle sounded shocked, her fingers clutching at Beth’s.
‘I didn’t, not at first. He asked me to marry him and I said yes.’
‘But...?’
‘We had it all planned out—how you would come with us to India if you wanted, and Mother would have to sell the house, but we could set her up in a modest residence. It wasn’t perfect but it allowed me to follow my heart and not feel completely guilty about leaving you and Mother behind.’
‘Oh, Beth, please tell me you didn’t give it up for me.’
‘I was rushing home to tell you, I couldn’t wait, and then we saw what happened in the village with those horrible men. You were so upset...’
‘Beth.’ Annabelle shook her head, looking much older than her twenty-one years.
‘And then you said you could never leave the house again and I knew I couldn’t force you to come to India with me, or even leave Birling View, not when it is where you feel safe.’
‘Why didn’t you just ask me?’
It was a good question. For so long she had tried to protect Annabelle from the world, without acknowledging that she was now a young woman with her own thoughts and opinions.
‘I knew you would have said to marry Josh and not worry about you, but of course I worry about you.’
‘I’m an adult, Beth. I know I might not go out, I might not have the chance of a family of my own, a house of my own, but I still can make my own decisions about my future.’
‘I just wanted to protect you.’
‘I know. You always do. And you have done so well all these years, but now isn’t it time for you to reach for your own happiness?’
‘Mother doesn’t think so.’
Annabelle scoffed. ‘Mother has become so consumed with money and the debts Father left that she doesn’t remember you are a person too, entitled to hope for more for your own future.’
It was true. Their mother had never been the most maternal of women and over the years she had become more distant, but it had become much worse since their father had died, leaving her to deal with his debts.
‘I just wanted to protect you,’ Beth repeated, the knowledge that she had made a big mistake taking hold deep down.
‘I know, but I
