Metallica’s Unforgiven serenades me as I wonder what the hell’s wrong with me. Not that the paint has any answers.Cassie
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What happened? I thought everything was going pretty well. We were getting along and the sex was beyond amazing. Sure, we were getting a little closer than being just fuck buddies, but so what? It seemed to me that Caleb was cool with it and we were just adapting to a new situation. Apparently, everything wasn’t cool, because Caleb is acting so distant, even not-so-subtly trying to get rid of me.
I don’t know what I did. Last time we were together was awesome. He even slept over and didn’t seem weird when he left that morning. I mean, it wasn’t like I cleared out space in the medicine cabinet for him to leave a toothbrush or tell him that he could use one of my drawers to keep a spare pair of jeans and underpants. We just had sex, and it was late so he slept over. Yeah, things got a little emotional afterward, but it was still cool. At least, that’s what I thought at the time, but then he pulled that ghost job on me for the rest of the week. What could’ve happened?
Damn it, I know better. I shouldn’t be asking what happened. The better question is, who happened? He’s met someone, and he doesn’t know how to break the news to me. He knew inside as much as I did that we’ve crossed a line, even if we weren’t sure what the hell to call ourselves anymore.
It’s just what I’ve come to expect, I guess. Mama always told me to be careful, because even if what’s at home is great, men will scout for the next one. Okay, so he’s swimming away just like I assumed in the beginning. He’s too good of a guy to keep up this casual sex thing. I knew that even before we started fucking around. He deserves more than a setup like that. I knew better than to get attached, but I fucking went and did it anyway. When did I fall for him?
I stop, looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, my toothbrush dropping to the countertop where it tumbles into the sink, unnoticed. Instead, I look at the haunted face of the woman staring back at me with puffy bags under her eyes, hollowed out cheeks from not eating enough the past few days, and . . . the realization hits me like a punch between the eyes.
Oh, shit. I have fallen for him. This is bad. I told myself since leaving home that I wasn’t going to let this happen, that I was going to focus on my career. Now, without even realizing it, I let Caleb in and it hurts so much.
Why did it have to be Caleb, of all people? He’s a man I like, not just as a man, but as a person too. I don’t have many friends. The list of people I really trust can be counted on one hand. And Caleb was like the thumb of that group, the one I could always count on to be strong and there for me. And I went and fucked it up.
I take a big breath. “All right, Cassie, get it together. You’ll get through this,” I tell my reflection. “Chin up to see the sun lighting the way, just like Mama always said. Appreciate the good and it’ll get you through the bad,” I add. “Maybe this is just a little phase. Once he’s comfortable, everything will be back like it was before. We can laugh and talk and . . .”
Before the tears can start, I stop talking, trying to think of what I need. What I need is to get my mind off Caleb Strong. And right now, the only thing I can think of to do that is to work. Yes, that’s it. I’ll go to the office. I’ve got stuff to do and the distraction will do me good. I quickly get dressed, casual today since, quite frankly, I don’t feel like putting on a skirt and Oli doesn’t care how I dress unless I’m meeting clients. With barely a last glance in the mirror, I grab a granola bar and jump in my car.
Pulling into a space at Mindy’s Place, I barely have to debate before I head inside. If I’m going to get through the day, I’m going to require mass quantities of caffeine and maybe the addition of a lot of forced humor. As I wait in line, I think about what I’m going to do to distract myself. I’ve just gotten to the idea of seeing if I can fit my entire ass on the copier before I order my drink and sit down at a vacant table in the corner, trying to hide. Both literally and figuratively.
It doesn’t work, as I see Martha picking up her cup of coffee and mine to head my way. She looks like she’s already had her high caffeine enema for the morning. She’s smiling and looking like she’s ready to take on the day. She’s dressed up a bit, wearing a pantsuit that flatters her, honestly. It makes me feel even worse, looking down at my khakis and quickly pulled-on red blouse. Ugh.
“Hey, Cassie! I called from upstairs to order my cup of joe, but Mindy asked if I could bring yours on over. You mind?” she asks, gesturing to the empty chair in front of me. I’m used to her being nice, but there’s something in her voice that makes me on edge, like she’s sort of engineered this and is looking for a reason to talk.
“Of course
