Emily went very still. “I can’t say.”
“Was it Pax?”
She shook her head vehemently.
“Did you see who it was?”
Again, a vigorous shake of her head.
“Then how can you be sure there was someone else?”
“I can’t tell you. Rory made me promise not to tell.”
“I thought you said Rory didn’t tell you anything.”
Her body began to rock in the bed. She counted to six under her breath. Then she said, “I can’t tell. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone. If I break a promise, another person might die. What if it’s you?”
Josie reached out and touched Emily’s arm. She remembered what Dr. Rosetti had said about OCD being nonsensical, about how trying to use logic was like telling a diabetic to produce more insulin. “Remember the first night we were here in the hospital and you were upset because someone had thrown away your things?”
“One, two, three. Yeah, I remember. One, two, three, four, five, six.”
“Do you remember what you told me about your mom? How she said that when you feel distress, you have to ‘tolerate’ it.”
“One, two, three, four, five, six. Yes. That’s what she said.”
“And Holly said that that meant you had to feel all your feelings till they’re done?”
“… five, six. Yes.”
“I think this is one of those times,” Josie said. “The distress you’re feeling about telling me? It will go away. Nothing bad will happen if you tell me what Rory said. I’m not going to die. Your brain is playing tricks on you. Lying to you.”
She stopped counting, though her body continued to rock. Her fingers kneaded the fur of the dog. “Like Pax’s palterer?”
Josie smiled. “Exactly like that. Did your mom talk to you about that?”
She nodded.
“Do you have a name for your… palterer?”
“I didn’t have one yet. I wanted to call him LiarLiarPantsOnFire but Mama said that was too long.”
Josie laughed. “I like that. What about Liar Pants for short?”
Her grip on the dog loosened. “I like that.”
“I think that Liar Pants is in your brain telling you that if you tell me what Rory said, someone will die, when that’s just not true. Liar Pants is making you feel that distress when you even think about telling me. Does that make sense?”
“I don’t know.”
“Can we try something?”
“I don’t want to.”
Josie leaned in closer. “I don’t like feeling all my feelings either, to tell you the truth.”
“You don’t have a Liar Pants, though. Or a palterer.”
“I don’t.”
“That’s gotta be hard.”
“It is,” Josie admitted. “But I’m willing to stay here and help you, like I did before, remember? When we sat on the floor together?”
Her rocking increased. She white-knuckled the dog and counted to six three times under her breath. Josie glanced at the doorway to see Mettner, Noah, and Marcie Riebe standing there. She looked back at Emily who crossed her legs and then patted the bed in front of her. Josie climbed onto the bed with her, sitting face to face, and crossing her legs as well. Emily extended an arm and turned it so Josie could see a gash down her forearm. “I’m going to have a scar, too.”
“Looks that way,” Josie said.
“Do you think scars remind us of the bad things?”
Josie fingered her own scar, running her fingers from her ear to just beneath her chin. She’d always hated it. Until now. “No,” she told Emily. “I think that they remind us how strong we are and how much we are able to survive—how much we can tolerate. They’re… marks of badassery.”
Emily giggled. “You said a bad word!”
“I did. But you know what? I think you and I have earned the right to say ‘badassery.’”
Emily looked at her cut. “Mark of badassery.”
“Are you ready?” Josie asked.
Emily sighed. “I’ll never be ready for this. I think you were right about the being ready thing. But Mama always said it was the best thing to do, and I always felt better once we did.”
Josie put her hands out and Emily placed her own hands in Josie’s. She closed her eyes. “One, two, three, four, five, six. I heard a man. That’s how I know. That’s how I know there was someone else there. I can’t—I can’t—”
Josie held tight to her hands as she rocked harder. Tears spilled from the corners of her eyes. “Someone’s going to die. Someone’s going to die.”
“It’s the Liar Pants, Emily,” Josie reminded her. “Don’t let him boss you around. Did you hear anything the man said?”
Her eyes remained clamped shut, but her head swung back and forth. “I only heard some things. He was so loud. So mad. He said, ‘enough, enough’ and ‘you’re living in a fantasyland.’”
“Do you know who he was talking to?” Josie asked.
Her body shuddered. A sob erupted from her mouth. Josie squeezed her tiny hands. “You’re doing great, Emily. I’m right here. The distress will be gone soon. Do you know who the man was talking to?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know. He said, ‘I hate you’ and he said some bad words. A lot of really bad words. He kept saying, ‘No’ and ‘I don’t care.’ He said, ‘this wasn’t my choice.’ Then I thought he was gone but he came back. I don’t know all the things he said after that. It was a lot of things, and Mama was crying and Rory was shouting, ‘I hate you, I hate you’ and then the man yelled, ‘I wish you were never born’ and the boom came.”
She opened her eyes finally. They were red and glassy. Tears poured down her cheeks. “I don’t like this,” she told Josie. “I don’t like the way it feels.”
“I know,” said Josie. “But we’re almost there. You’re doing great. Had you ever seen a man before that day? At your house?”
“No. Only when Pax’s dad came to get him. He was the only one. I heard a different man before though.”
“You did?”
“One, two, three, four, five, six. Yes, a couple of times when Rory was trying to hurt Mama and Holly. Holly always
