It felt as if that empty ache inside was filling with his own blood.
I want your first I love you.
That plea had devastated him. But she didn’t realise she’d already had some of his firsts. Things he’d never told anyone. Things he’d never done before. Spending that time with her. Laughing like that with her. Playing in a way that was more than superficial, in a way that formed serious foundations.
But she didn’t know, because he’d not told her. Because he’d been a coward. It turned out he was better than Merle Jordan—the hide-away queen herself—at avoidance. He finally accepted that he’d run away not to ‘protect her’ from him. He’d been protecting himself. Because he didn’t want that pain of loss. Because he didn’t want to be rejected. Because he didn’t want to be a disappointment. So he’d got in first. Everything that terrified him, he’d done to her. He was a jerk.
And now he felt terrible for it. The biggest mistake of his life had left him balancing on the narrowest ledge of a cliff. He didn’t have long to stop himself falling. Merle Jordan was like a sprite. She’d lit his life for only a short time, but he’d not appreciated her true value. So he’d left her. He’d lost her. He couldn’t lose her for ever. He couldn’t let her disappear, never to be found again. So how did he reach out? How did he try to make this better? How did he fix what he’d broken?
With the truth.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
MERLE WAS SICK of being stuck in a mega-mansion all by herself riding the roller coaster of heartbreak and hope. She’d spent the week storming through the boxes in silence, determined to still do a good job. But determined to do a fast job. The sooner she was done, the sooner she could escape, and the sooner she could recover. Because the hope side of the equation was slipping.
A couple of days after Ash’s abrupt departure a load of groceries had been delivered. A mass of fresh fruit and vegetables, meat and fish and, yes, even more instant noodles. She hated that he’d been that thoughtful when he’d refused to care. Was it only pity? With a sprinkle of guilt perhaps. Either way, it was a scattering of emotional crumbs she really didn’t want from him. Because she wanted everything. Instead, Ash Castle had left her with only ash—the remnants of her pride, of her memories of that last week, with her burned heart.
She’d worked through the whole week, then the weekend. She had that week off with Ash to make up for anyway. She’d focused on cataloguing one item after another, not letting her gaze wander to the pool outside, not letting her mind wander to wisps of conversation, to the echo of laugher and sweet sighs. And she was never, ever, thinking of that last kiss—where she’d tried to pour her soul into him. To show him what she felt in the hope he wouldn’t have been able to hold back. But he had.
She’d half-hoped to find something of his mother’s, knowing it would mean so much to him. But there was nothing. There wouldn’t be even that littlest of happy endings.
She needed a break now. She needed to restore some balance to herself. She’d avoided the places they’d been together. Most especially the pool. But it was a stunningly hot day and she refused to deny herself the simple pleasure of a dip. She refused to let the heartache stop her. She was brave. She could handle it, couldn’t she?
Ash couldn’t remember feeling anxiety like this. His hands felt damp, his pulse raced, skipping unpredictably. The helicopter couldn’t fly fast enough. Yet, as it descended towards the grassy helipad at the far end of the tennis court, he suddenly wanted time to slow. He wanted a chance to think through his plan once more. But there wasn’t time. Nor was there any real plan.
There was no way she could’ve failed to hear his arrival. Unless, of course, she’d already left the property. His heart pounded even more irregularly. He walked towards the house and the helicopter lifted away behind him. As its noise faded he heard another—a splash. He moved more quickly to be sure, but there she was. In the pool. His nymph, swimming as if she hadn’t a care in the world. But as he walked nearer he saw her eyes, and the expression in them smote his heart. She was pale and her fine features drawn, but she’d never looked more beautiful. She held her head high as she climbed the ladder and reached for a towel, hiding from him.
‘You’re still here.’ His voice sounded croaky. The paper bag he carried felt both too small and too heavy.
‘I told you I’d stay.’
‘I wouldn’t have blamed you if you’d left,’ he said. ‘Most people would’ve already.’
‘I had a job to do.’
Was the only reason she’d stayed because she was contractually obligated? Because she needed the money? Or was it because she’d made the commitment and Merle saw her commitments through—even to people who’d hurt her? That was what she’d done for her family, wasn’t it? She’d done what was right.
‘Why are you here?’ she suddenly asked. ‘You were never coming back.’
‘I needed to see you. I have something I wanted to give to you.’
She stiffened. ‘You don’t need to give me anything just because you feel guilty about...whatever.’
‘Merle—’
‘You didn’t need to come back here and try to make... I don’t need this from you.’
‘Please, Merle.’ He held it out to her.
It wasn’t even wrapped properly. She pulled the small volume out of the brown paper bag and when she read the cover her eyes widened and her colour leeched, leaving her looking ghostly.
It wasn’t some pretty edition like she ought to have. It was a mass-produced paperback that cost only a few dollars. He’d wanted to gift her something meaningful.
