She was looking about as miserable as I was feeling, and I could see the guilt, too, in her worried eyes. As upset as I was, I couldn’t stand to see her like that and I tried to reassure her.
“It’ll be alright. You’ll regret it if you don’t give it a shot, right? You’ll always be wondering what could have happened.”
“I can always come back if I don’t like it,” she offered.
“Of course,” I said, my smile strained. I didn’t think she would, though. She’d probably adore the job, and our six-month relationship would dissolve into memories and annual Christmas cards.
“I’m sorry, Darren,” she whispered, clearly seeing the hurt I was trying to suppress. She squeezed my hands. “I really am. I don’t want to leave you, you know I don’t. This has been the best months of my life.”
“Me too.” I managed a more genuine smile, but it still hurt.
Before I could start crying, I pushed up to my feet and came round the table to kiss her on the forehead and hold her tight. She clung back as if she held on tight enough, we wouldn’t have to be separated at all. It was on the tip of my tongue to ask her if there weren’t jobs like the one in Kent nearer by or whether the team in Kent could employ her on a part-time basis or as a work-at-home member of staff.
But it wouldn’t be fair to Sam. I trusted her when she said that she’d tried all the other options, and I trusted that she didn’t want to leave me. We’d made it clear at the start of the relationship that work was a hugely important part of both of our lives, and I could no more demand that she stifle her career to stay with me than I could leave my job here at Hewford to follow her to Kent. I was already planning to look online and make some calls to enquire whether there were any vacancies for DCIs in Kent, but I doubted that there would be. Plus, I felt at home here, and I’d miss Stephen dearly; he was my best friend.
I rubbed a tired hand over my eyes and pulled back from Sam, who looked up at me with a thousand apologies written across her face.
“So, how’re we doing this?” I had to ask, though my voice cracked, and I had to look away from her. “Do you want a clean break?”
“A clean break?” I wasn’t looking at her, but I could hear the shock, pain maybe, in the words.
“Or do you want to try a long-distance relationship?”
It wasn’t for everyone, and maybe it wouldn’t work for us, but I was more than willing to give it a go if it meant that I could keep Sam in my life. Even if she met someone else in Kent, and the thought made me feel faintly ill, I knew I’d still want to stay friends if we could. She made me laugh, and we understood each other like we’d been together for far longer than half a year, and I didn’t want to lose that. But perhaps it was selfish to want to hold on to her like that.
“I don’t want to break up with you,” she said after a painful pause. “Darren, I-”
“You can tell me if you do want a fresh start,” I made myself say. “It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” she countered, putting her hand to my cheek and making me meet her eyes. “I meant it about loving being with you. I love you, Darren.” We hadn’t said those three little words often as yet, and they still had the power to make my spine prickle and my heart speed up. I couldn’t help but twitch a smile. “Of course, I want to try long-distance,” Sam pressed on. “I mean, if you do too.”
“Hell yeah, I do.” I pulled her close and wrapped my arms tightly around her. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Good job I don’t want you to go anywhere, then,” she said, a smile in her voice.
I touched the side of her face, reverently brushing her fine hair back behind her ear before I leant down and kissed her. I would stay with Sam until she no longer wanted me, and if that day came, I’d try to take it with grace. I never wanted to cause her pain; she meant too much to me.
The house was still cool, the kitchen tiles chilling my feet when I slipped out of bed the next morning. I ate breakfast with the window open, listening to the birds and watching the sun climb up into a sky, the colour of which was such a pale blue that it was almost purple.
I was preparing to leave for work just as Sam was coming into the kitchen, blurry-eyed and sleep mussed, and I gave her a soft kiss before heading out into the fresh morning. Running at this time was so much more comfortable than my afternoon run home, and I relished the sweet coldness of the air in my chest and rushing past my face. The city still felt sleepy at this time, the cars sluggish and relatively scarce, and the honey-coloured stone buildings only just beginning to be bathed in the morning sun, which would hot up to a glare soon enough.
I’d been sat at my desk, researching and feeling like I was going round in circles, for a couple of hours before Stephen arrived. The station was bustling by that time, the bubble of solitude I’d enjoyed when I’d arrived turning into a beehive of productive activity.
“Morning,” Stephen said gruffly before shuffling off to the break room for a cup of tea. As much as he joked about my reliance on coffee, the man was a zombie without his strong cup of builder’s tea.
“So?” he asked as soon
