The last time she saw Ellen was in that dark building, the light on her gun shining on her face. When the whole thing was over, Emma was rushed to the station for debriefing, and everything after that was a complete blur to her. Much of that time in her life had been blocked out by her brain in an effort to protect her mental health.
She rubbed her hands together and then rubbed them on the front of her shorts. It was a nervous habit she used to do before tests back in her school days. She hadn’t exactly been the best student, often wanting to do something more artistic than math. She had barely made it out of school by the skin of her teeth, but when she walked at graduation she had been so proud of herself for getting it done.
College had never been in the cards for her, and that was another reason that she ended up going through the police academy instead. No math required. Just a willingness to be full of adrenaline for hours each day and put her life on the line regularly. Still better than math was her opinion back then. Turned out, running a lighthouse also didn’t require a lot of math skills. Sometimes she had the urge to call her old algebra teacher and brag about how she was right that she’d never need to know that stuff.
When she heard her phone start to ring, she almost wanted to run straight out the door of the cottage. Why was she doing this? She wasn’t ready. She should text the woman and tell her she changed her mind. So many things were bouncing around inside of her head. But right now, she just had to be brave. Just in this moment. Just for the next few minutes. She had certainly been through worse.
She pressed the green button on the front of her phone and a second later, there was Ellen on the other side, smiling. She wasn’t fearful, she wasn’t crying. She was smiling, and that immediately calmed some of Emma’s nerves.
“Hi, Emma! I’m so glad you agreed to talk to me!”
Emma forced a smile so that she didn’t look like some kind of crazy person sitting there with a deer in the headlights look. “Hi, Ellen. It’s so nice to see you under such different circumstances.”
Ellen nodded. “Very true. The last time you saw me must’ve been very traumatizing for you. I just remember being terrified, and then I saw you and I wasn’t so scared anymore because I could tell you were going to handle the situation. And you did.”
Emma swallowed hard. “So, how are you now?”
She took in a breath and blew it out. “I have good days and bad days. Some days I just survive, but it’s getting better each day. I’ve been seeing a therapist since right after the incident, and that has helped me a lot.”
“That’s good. I’m glad that you are getting better.”
“They tell me I have PTSD, and for the first few weeks after the shooting, I was having nearly constant panic attacks and nightmares when I would go to sleep. Even a car backfiring would set me off.”
“I understand, trust me.”
“That was another reason why I wanted to talk to you. I feel like you have to be so affected by this whole thing too, and I wanted to make sure that you’re okay. Are you getting some help?”
“Honestly, I was very resistant to that idea until recently. But I have moved to a different town, and I’m out of the police force so I think I’m ready now to start seeing someone. Like you, I get the nightmares.”
“Just know that it does get better. You have to work at it, but it will progressively improve. At least that’s how it has worked for me.“
“Well, thank you for talking to me. I can’t explain it, but I just needed to know that you were okay.”
“My brother is a firefighter, and he has saved some people over the years. I know that he doesn’t like being called a hero. It makes him feel uncomfortable. And I feel like maybe you’re uncomfortable with being called a hero because of the situation. I just want you to know that saving my life wasn’t in vain. Not only did you keep me from being attacked by that vicious creature, but you’ve allowed me to have extra time with my husband and kids. And I’m going back to school to become a nurse!”
“Wow! That’s fantastic! I’m so glad you’re moving forward.”
“It’s all thanks to you. But if you don’t want to be called a hero, I just want you to know that what you did mattered. And while a life was lost in that process, just remember that he chose that. You didn’t.”
As they said their goodbyes, Emma thought about her last statement over and over. That the guy - whose name happened to be Ricky - chose what happened to him. She had never thought about it that way. This whole time she’d been putting the blame on herself, but maybe that was wrong. Maybe his actions foretold his destiny. She just happened to be the conduit that connected his actions to his outcome.
He chose to attack women. He chose to take one hostage. He chose to point a gun at a police officer. His choices led her to have to make the most difficult one of her life. She didn’t choose to kill another human being. She was forced to make a choice between his life and the life of an innocent woman, and she made the only decision.
Julie and Charlotte laid on their chaise
