‘Claidi—’
‘Wait – just a moment – oh—’
And he did wait. He likes me, too. He thinks I have a right to scrabble around, trying to think for myself.
Then I spoke to him very fast. He listened.
When I’d finished, he said, ‘Claidi, I wish you were a fool. It’d be easier.’
The kids were playing games on the grey square despite the rain. Running about and screaming with joy. The adults, mouths full of chocolate, didn’t stop them.
Oh, I can see now why Nemian went mad and played about so much, when he got out of this place.
I feel sorry for Nemian. And his exquisite moon-wife.
Mehmed and Ro were standing near in the rain, wet and nosy.
‘All right,’ Argul said to me. ‘Try. But if not—’
I shook my head.
Then he caught me and kissed me. Through that beard. And even so – (They jeered, whistled, called out ‘Hultai chura!’ Which means Leader’s sweetheart. That was far away. They fell silent, tired.)
I’m writing this now in such a hurry. I saw love in the ‘glass’ ‘charm’. You could miss it so easily. Yet it’s so vast. It’s miraculous. Just like how I found him, walking into that square, as if I had to.
And even if I fail tonight, if I die, I’ll have that kiss to keep.
It isn’t like being scalded. It’s like having wings.
FIREWORKS
When I met Ironel in the Room, at midday, she looked me over, and immediately said, ‘I don’t remember that ring.’
‘My mother, Twilight Star, left it for me. Princess Jizania passed it on.’
‘Is it a diamond? What a barbaric setting. But. I like it. It’s like – a star. How fitting.’
‘Thank you.’
‘She must have loved you,’ said Ironel, regretfully.
I don’t know if she did, or even if she was called Twilight. Argul gave me the ring, which the Peshambans returned to him. And he does love me. And I know. (And the ring belonged to his mother, so it’s almost not a lie.)
I watched very carefully as Ironel did the noon reading and spoke more awful Law I’m not even going to put down.
Leaving for that walk, I’d been praying Ironel would continue doing this for a long time. Now, as the business ended, I said, ‘Madam, you should go back to bed. You look so ill.’
She didn’t. She looked repulsively healthy in her iron-old way.
And she narrowed her eyes at me.
‘Do I, Claidissa? Indeed.’
‘As you say, madam, you’ve trained me for this. It’s my job now. I’ll take over.’
Remember how I described the alligators? Those great long mouths of teeth? Well, that was how she smiled. Her mouth seemed to undo her face in two pieces. And her poisonous eyes were bright.
‘Ah, Claidissa. That would be kind. Two or three days in my bed, that should set me up again. And yes, you’re so wise now in the reading of the Law. After all. Perhaps I needn’t return.’
I hadn’t been sure. I mean, it was only about an hour ago I’d really thought of it. And, even if I was right, this might still be some plan of hers to hurt me. It was a chance I was going to take.
The same as when I shouted at the ‘bandits’ I’d bite off a nose before I’d give in. I won’t be stopped. Not any more.
I bowed low to her.
‘I think, lady, I’ll just stay here in the holy Room. Make myself more familiar with the wonderful books and things.’
‘Do, Claidissa.’ Then she did up her face again. She said, her voice suddenly hollow and ancient, ‘I’ve waited so many years for this hour.’
And she turned and stalked out, her cane rapping like shots on the floor.
One huge wave of panic.
I ignored it. Sometimes it’s all you can do.
‘This Room is freezing,’ I yacked to the nearest slave. The Room wasn’t. If anything, it got too hot from the lamps. ‘Fetch me two or three lighted braziers.’
After I had the braziers in, burning away roastingly, I sent the slaves out. I had about seven hours until sunset. And if I was truly successful about this, some extra hours until midnight.
Would she suddenly come back, ‘Oh I’m so much better!’? Somehow I really didn’t think so. She’d had enough of this, after fifty years. And that means she must have had enough of herself too.
Because if I was right – If I was—
She’d kept telling me I’d mastered the Law. Well, now I would.
At the House, I’d been used to hard work. And this was. Climbing up the moveable step-ladder, getting down all the top boxes, then the lower ones, kneeling to get the lowest. Making sure I put them all back exactly as I’d found them. Well. Not quite.
Once or twice I went out into the room outside the Room. Mostly to cool down. There was a window, and I was faintly surprised, because the grey day changed. The clouds went blowing off slowly down the River. The sky turned palest blue.
That was good. I could check on sunset better.
No slaves loitered. Outside, the corridor leading to Ironel’s apartment was empty – almost. I could just see my white guard’s rifle propped up there, as he waited with my slaves.
The Room was scorching. It was like being in an oven. But I went on with my work.
When I walked into the outer room later, and the western window was starting to flush, and the sun was actually there, gleaming low on to the River, I had the sense to stop.
I just stood in the Room then, haughty and poised, and waited for the slaves of the Law to appear.
They did, dead on time. They couldn’t ever risk being late.
I could already hear noises in the egg-cup things that held the dice. They were warming up to spin.
Partly, I’d had a last fear she might come back simply to watch me. She hadn’t. If she had, that might have meant I’d been wrong. Or maybe not. I’ll never know about Ironel, or Jizania, come to
