He nodded, folded the paper, and slid it in his pocket. “Just doing a lot of thinking, that’s it.”
“Remember when we used to tell each other everything?” I asked him. “We’d lie in the bed of your truck, stare up at the sky, and just talk. For hours.”
He nodded.
“I miss that,” I expressed. “Those were some of the happiest moments I’ve had.”
“Well, I’d have to agree. Even if we had to hide what we were doing, at least for a moment, both of us could forget about everything going on in our lives.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “You helped me forget a lot back then. If it weren’t for you, I don’t know what would have happened to me. I don’t know who I would be now or what I might have turned into.”
He looked at me, stayed silent, and let me talk.
“I left a lot of things unsaid between us. You’re right to say all the things you said earlier about me. They’re true. That was me back then. I didn’t like that person, even though that’s the person you fell in love with. I didn’t know who I was. He broke me down to nobody. Stripped me of everything. I had no option but to start over and figure out who I was. It wasn’t easy. Hell, I still don’t know if I know who I am. But I know, I’m not her. I’m not who I was back then.”
He fumbled with the pen between his fingers.
“I left the way I did because I felt broken. You helped me pick up all my broken pieces. You’re right with that. And yes, you were there to pick up every broken piece of me. But I had to figure out how to put the pieces back together by myself. It’s hard to piece yourself together when you’re so broken. You don’t know which piece goes where.”
He stared at the counter, then back at me.
“I held onto every piece of you, but I didn’t know where you fit. Back then, I couldn’t figure out where you fit in my life. The rumors didn’t help, and when you’re broken, you make broken decisions. Or half-thought-out plans because you’re not all there. You’re not thinking straight, even though you think you are.”
I observed him holding his breath like he wanted to cry. I could tell from his face that whatever I was saying, something was hitting him hard.
“It felt like I was dangling from this thread, swinging back and forth. Then out of nowhere, I landed, hard. The thread was cut, and I didn’t know which pieces belonged in my life, so I left everything shattered on the ground.”
“And you never looked back,” he whispered.
I nodded. “I never looked back,” I whispered back to him. “And that’s not what hurt the most. Everything we had, everything we did, was like a dagger to my heart as the memories swirled around me daily. At night, I’d cry myself to sleep. For the longest time, I cried myself to sleep because I missed you so much. I’d pick up the phone to call you and dial every number but the last one. Then I’d lie there and cry even more. Every email I’d type to you, I’d delete after a day. I wanted to be everything you needed but no longer knew what that was. I didn’t think I had it in me to love you again, like you needed. Because I still didn’t know who I was supposed to be. And I was so close to you still. About an hour away. There were many times I wanted to jump back in my car and drive to you. Many times.”
He shook his head. “I needed you. Either way, I needed you,” he whispered kind of to himself.
“And you had Jaden. What example would I be setting for him if I didn’t know who I was? Yes, he was on my mind too. All the time. I couldn’t have him seeing me so broken. And I didn’t want to talk about her, but whatever lies she fed him about me and about you, I just hurt even more. If I were to stay in your life, she would make it worse. You and I both know that. But now, he’s what? Eleven? He’s old enough to make his own thoughts about the person I am. At least, I hope she didn’t groom him to hate me like but...”
“Enough,” Brooks said as he cupped his hands together. “I can’t...”
I stared at him and held my breath as I watched him. He was tensing up, and I wondered what I had said this time that caused it.
“You don’t know broken,” he said as he stood and walked towards the patio doors to stare out. “You don’t know broken.”
“Brooks, we can get him back full time if that’s what you want to do. If you want to go through the court process, I’ll be right there by your side. I promise you that this time. Let’s do this. Why can’t we be a...”
“Family? Is that where this is all going? You now want to be a family. Right now. But back then, we weren’t good enough for you,” he stammered.
“Brooks...”
“Erika.”
“Why can’t you listen to me?”
“Why can’t you listen to me? I said enough, and you’re still talking. Just drop it right now.”
“Okay. I’ll drop it. Just forget everything I said. I should have left everything unsaid, I guess.”
“What does that mean?” He spun around.
“It means I have so much I want to tell you!” I yelled as I burst into tears. “So much! I have years of built-up feelings just hovering on the brink of... I don’t even know what. But I’m afraid...”
“Of what?” he yelled back. “Me? Now you’re afraid of me,” he laughed. “I come here to see you one last time and... and... help you out with things around here. And you’re scared of me.”
“I’m scared of the
