Even back at the flat where, of course, all the screens are still on, I manage to stick to my well-disposed view of things. In evolutionary terms, the kids are only doing what’s wise, after all. Those who listen to warnings won’t develop any new attitudes. Resistance is the order of the day, especially against the rules of elders. And anyway, it’s not proven that gaming softens the brain. Parental fear of the unknown dictates the rules. So, break them! Outsmart me.
Jack has that innocent expression he puts on when faced with a parent, or any other adult authorised to give discipline or orders. Kieran, on the other hand, is frowning and thrusting his chin forward, which means he’s going to resist to the death.
Even Bea has her mobile phone two inches from her face; she’s lying on her stomach on her made bed, watching make-up tips from a YouTuber. I remember another piece of advice from the parents’ evening: I’m supposed to act according to the ‘five-star principle’ when I talk to my kids about school. Don’t lay down the law, just give tips and emphasise the positive.
Bea’s YouTube Mum: ‘Hi guys! Today I’m going to show you how to say goodbye to fear and constant anxiety. It’s awesome if you manage to look and behave like everybody else because then you stand out less. Except in the ways where you want to be different, because they’re really cool and make you stand out positively. Five-star things, like singing, or your decolletage. And if there’s something you really don’t like about yourself, just try not to think about it. Letting little inadequacies seem important by thinking about them is a mistake. Positive thinking is the be-all and end-all. For example, people with beautiful hands often don’t pay attention to them, but they’re a five-star feature. As a tip, I’d say: prop up your face with them, highlight your hands. Knit, or use them to gesticulate. Everyone thinks Italian girls are beautiful, but in fact they just wave their hands about a lot. It’s good to be cheerful. If everything is totally shit — I mean, less than five-star — then just remember, chin up! Fashions are always changing. For example, in the past, bushy eyebrows were a real no-go. And today? Everybody’s envious of them. So my tip is: the thing that bothers you most today might be totally in tomorrow. Perhaps the girl who calls the shots in your class will break a leg, or everybody will succumb to a pandemic and will have to stay at home for weeks. In that time, you can patch together a new fear-free, resistant, and really, really gorgeous you. Please like my page, and then we’ll meet again for my next episode of Bea’s mum Five-Star Tips when I’ll be talking about teeny boobs and padded bras.’
Bea comes into the kitchen.
‘What’s for dinner?’
I don’t answer. Sometimes it’s good to swap roles.
Bea sits down and watches me cutting onions. It works: she starts talking without prompting.
‘I argued with Lola again today.’
‘What about?’ Go very carefully. Casual, disinterested tone.
‘She said she’s going to Mallorca to learn Spanish.’
I laugh. And cry too. Because of the onions.
‘Perhaps it depends where you go in Mallorca,’ I say, and throw the onions in the pan. They sizzle, and I can’t hear Bea anymore. ‘What did you say?’
‘I said her grandma lives there and that’s why she’s really going!’
‘Ah. Then she probably won’t learn Spanish. Everybody will speak German.’
‘Lola said that wasn’t true, and that she’d been there before and I hadn’t, and anyway, she said it was just a joke but that’s not true, and she only said that because everybody laughed, but she’d meant it when she first said it and wasn’t being sarcastic.’
‘Jeez,’ I say.
‘Everything is shit,’ says Bea ‘and I’m the idiot.’
‘Why are you the idiot?’
‘Because I said to her, admit it, you were serious. And she was like, I’m not admitting anything. And I always look like I’m being mean, and want to be right the whole time. But she’s the one who wants to be right!’
‘Just let her. She probably knows you’re right anyway.’
‘But she talks so much rubbish.’
‘Then don’t listen to her.’
‘How are we supposed to be friends if I don’t listen to her?’
Hmmm. Good question.
‘I don’t want to be like this. But I keep noticing all these things she says, like “twat”, and you say you can’t say “twat”. So I say, why do you say “twat” all the time, I thought you were a feminist? And she says what has that got to do with it? So I say “twat” is a word for a woman’s you-know-what. And she says no, that’s crap. And I say it’s true. And she says no if it was, I’d know. So I say, well, what does it mean then? She says I don’t give a shit. I say exactly. She says, exactly what? I say you don’t give a shit, you’re not interested, and you don’t know what you’re talking about. And she says, yeah, that’s right, but at least I’m not a total twat.’
‘Oh, God, darling. I’m really sorry.’
‘I don’t want to be this way,’ says Bea, ‘but I can’t help it.’
Dear Vera,
I can imagine that I am a burden to you and that you want to get rid of me and my tedious way of remembering everything and being a know-it-all. But please, what do the children have to do with it? You know that they’re mixed up in it and tied to me, and that handing in the notice on the flat affects them too. I can already hear you softly saying ‘you only have yourself to blame,’ but you can’t mean that, Vera — you’re not like that. Are you? Is Frank like that? Yes, maybe. And you’re tied to him. So forget what I’ve said, because
