Noah picked up his cup and took another drink, put it down, scanned the room – his body language leaking awkwardness. ‘I’ve spoken to Mum, and I don’t think she’s expecting much.’ Even his language struck a false note.
‘When was this?’
‘This past week.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes.’
‘And you’re saying she’s passing on her share?’
‘Not passing exactly, but she’s sorted now. The divorce settlement saw to that. I honestly think her priority is us.’
‘That doesn’t sound like Mum to me.’
‘Ask her yourself. She’s moved on, Liv. I think it’s time we all did.’
Liv was shocked to catch her brother in so blatant a lie. ‘Indifference’ was not the impression she’d got from her mother’s messages. Though, on reflection, Eloise had given very little away in her communications with Liv. But still, a self-sacrificing obsession with her offspring did not sound like their mother, not at all.
Without warning, Noah stood up. ‘Don’t you think we should be getting back?’
She did, but she couldn’t escape the sense that Noah wanted to leave more to avoid further conversation than to get back to the house and their negotiations.
He shoved his arms down the sleeves of his jacket impatiently. ‘I think we’d get a lot further, next time we all sit down, if you’d own up to what you really want to happen, instead of trotting out all this scrupulous impartiality crap. It’s time you said what you really think, Liv.’ With that, he walked away.
As Liv watched him weave his way out through the tables without waiting for her to catch up, she admitted to herself that his advice deserved serious thought.
Chapter 26
GOD, LIV was irritating. She never did or said anything honestly – from her heart, or her gut. She was much too concerned with how she looked, how she came across, even when no one was watching. Being such a control-freak, it must be so sodding tiring.
And his sister did look tired.
Noah’s phone was ringing. He dug it out of his pocket. Caller ID: Josie. At last. Contrarily he let it ring, watching the sea arc and fizz across the promenade. The lights were coming on around the bay; 4 p.m. and it was already drawing in dark. The call went to his voicemail. He imagined Josie nursing a mug of decent tea, warm and snug in their kitchen, with Lily clattering around with her Baby Annabell buggy – her new favourite plaything. She’d started to ask about having a baby sister; other mums in Josie’s group were onto their second child, so Lily was familiar with swollen bellies and dolly-sized siblings. It was not a conversation he and Josie had had. Nor were they likely to, given the way things were. The thought of his small, beautiful family being so many miles away, physically and emotionally, made the cold worse. The North Sea battered against the old defences and Noah stood and watched.
He knew he was confusing Josie. Loving her, but forever leaving. Making promises, then breaking them. Swearing to be more honest with her, whilst never telling her the truth. Hounding her, then ignoring her calls. He understood her frustration. And Lily, he was fucking up that relationship as well. You had to be there, to be a good dad, he knew that. There was no compensation for not being present. He’d learnt that from his own father, the hard way.
Noah looked at his phone. Josie had not left a message. He couldn’t blame her.
There was an abrasive scraping sound, metal on concrete. The young girl was dragging the merchandise back into the gift shop. She disappeared inside, lugging a basket of beach balls, then came back out and started to edge the big carousel with all the fishing stuff towards the doorway. In the wind it was a quite a tussle.
‘Do you need a hand?’ Noah jogged over. She eyed him warily. He smiled, his most endearing smile. ‘By way of an apology. I was out of order earlier. I didn’t mean to cause trouble. Sorry. But he was a bit of a bully.’ She relented. Together they brought the last of the stuff inside. There was a lot.
‘Thank you.’ She held the big bunch of keys in front of her, a clear signal for him to be off.
Noah smiled again. ‘I know it’s completely cheeky, but I couldn’t grab a quick something for my daughter, could I?’ Her expression said ‘No’. Noah wasn’t that easily dissuaded. ‘She’s three.’ Nope, he was still not hacking through her defences. ‘She’s just lost her grandad. My dad – he died last week. I’m here to sort out his funeral.’ That did it.
Five minutes later the girl locked up the darkened shop behind them.
‘I’m this way.’ Noah indicated the steps that ran up the side of the building. She looked relieved. They parted ways. Noah set off climbing. There was no sign of Liv.
As a kid he’d known exactly how many steps there were back up to The Esplanade, depending on which route you took. He knew the paths and the shortcuts. The best vantage points and the hardest-to-find hiding places. This time he chose the best-lit route.
Before long he was out of breath. The weight of the tiger didn’t help. It had been the biggest soft toy in the shop. It looked like something out of Siegfried & Roy. White fur with grey stripes, big floppy paws, a huge head and long, very realistic whiskers. Perfect for Lily. Noah shifted the furry synthetic beast from one shoulder onto the other, flexing his back. The ache in his muscle was deep, with a jagged edge on the left-hand side.
Another big, stupid gesture. It was all he seemed capable of at present.
He stopped four times on the way up, trying to shift the
