Her options were stark.
Keep the baby growing inside her or have an abortion.
The pressure to decide was exhausting. The lack of someone to share her struggle debilitating. But who could she tell, without opening the floodgates of other people’s emotions and opinions? It was her body, her life, her decision, and yet the loneliness of the position she found herself in was crushing.
Her confidant on anything that really mattered in life was usually Angus. He was her sounding board and her support; the person who loved her most in the world and the one who spoke the most sense, but this… No, she couldn’t tell him this, because she knew what he would say, what he would want, what he would convince her of, with the sheer power of his love for his family, and his delight at the thought of extending it.
Liv rocked forward, folding her stomach to her spine. From the moment she said she was pregnant, he would begin dreaming. A baby girl. That’s what his heart would reach for. He would say it wouldn’t matter what sex their next child was, but that wouldn’t be true. Big, bluff Angus had always wanted a little girl in his life. And here, growing inside her, could be that daughter.
She couldn’t tell him she was pregnant, set free all that hope and longing, then rob him of the reality.
If he knew she was considering terminating this pregnancy – if she went ahead and had an abortion – it would kill something in their relationship. It would, she was absolutely certain, fundamentally change how Angus loved her, and she couldn’t endure that.
But equally she couldn’t envision having this child.
She was thirty-seven. Her last two pregnancies had not been straightforward. She had two small children already. She had a career that consumed her. Many, many people who relied upon her. She was bone-tired. Her dad was dead.
She simply couldn’t do any more.
Couldn’t face being responsible for anyone else.
She sat up and rubbed her forehead, trying to knead away the fog. She needed to get it together. This messy, self-pitying indecision was not her. She would not let herself play the victim. This pregnancy wasn’t a punishment; it was just bad luck. She had choices.
She stood up. Dropped the towel. Got dressed quickly. Dragged a brush through her hair and set her shoulders.
She needed to deal with her current overload like she tackled everything else, which was by focusing on one task at a time, before moving on to the next challenge. The priority was obviously agreeing their father’s legacy. She could tough out another twenty-four hours, as long as they reached a resolution by the end of it.
With the will resolved, she would be able to go home. Go back to work. Regain control of her emotions and her actions.
And then, and only then, would she decide.
Chapter 31
NOAH WAS killing time playing Hide-and-Seek with the boys until Chloe and his mother deigned to show their faces back at the house. Given that they were a sibling down, any further conversation about the will had been suspended. They weren’t quorate, apparently. Where the fuck did Liv pick up these words?
Their mother’s arrival was a surprise, and not a wholly welcome one. Noah had never been able to read Eloise – not as a child, or now as an adult. It was a mug’s game trying to guess what her attitude to their weird weekend get-together was. Trying to establish her thoughts on the conditions contained within the will was also difficult. Eloise and Megan being put in the same boat by their father – that couldn’t have gone down well. Maybe Chloe would have got the low-down, after their jolly to the hotel together. Noah made a mental note to scope out his little sister about their mother’s intentions later that evening.
‘Six, five, four, three, two, one. Coming, ready or not!’ Noah hollered. Then he sat on the arm of the chair, took a swig of his beer and carried on half-watching the football.
After a minute or so Liv asked, ‘Aren’t you going to, you know… go seek?’
She smelt of soap and warmth – she’d just come down from having a bath. It was comforting. Noah lingered, breathing in the scent. Their conversation in the café had reminded him that Liv was a human being, with her own worries and concerns, as well as his insufferable big sister. ‘I’ll go in a minute. But I know where they’ll be hiding. And besides, I think it’s good for them to practise keeping quiet for longer than thirty seconds.’
Liv either didn’t notice or chose to ignore the dig. ‘Do you remember how you used to cheat when we played as kids? You’d keep changing your hiding place. It drove me mad.’
‘I remember. That was half the fun of it. It’s a good house for Hide-and-Seek.’
‘It is.’
They sat in companionable silence for a few moments. Their time down at the beach had obviously stirred up some happy memories in both of them. Noah finally, reluctantly, pushed himself upright. ‘I suppose I should go and find them.’ Liv nodded. ‘Now where could Arthur be, I wonder?’ he shouted.
Liv’s wistful smile was worth the effort of leaving the drowsy warmth of the front room.
Arthur was hiding behind the door in the dining-room. He was happy to be found quickly. At three and a half, he had very little patience with anything that involved being still or quiet. ‘Now, are you gonna help me find Freddie?’ Noah asked. Arthur, grudge finally forgotten, nodded and raced off, glad to be moving again.
They had a
