The thought was a huge relief.
The memory that she had, however briefly, contemplated sacrificing their child for her career now horrified her. The insane period around the time of her dad’s death seemed a lifetime ago. She was not that woman any more.
The breakthrough had come the night they’d gathered on the beach, not as they stood together near the heat and the light, but as they’d walked back up to The View in the darkness.
Once the ‘ceremony’ of scattering the ashes into the flames had been completed, the kids had collapsed with tiredness. Angus somehow managed to hoist Freddie and Arthur onto his back for the long hike back up to the house – it was a good job he had broad shoulders. Noah carried Lily. She was already fast asleep, her thumb wedged in her mouth. But despite their respective burdens, Angus and Noah were still far quicker up the twisty path than Liv. She soon fell to the back of the group, her feet leaden, her head down. At one point she stopped completely and watched the wavering light of their phones flickering through the trees. She had no momentum. The stress, the arguments, the showdown with Noah, it had all taken it out of her. They forged ahead without looking back. It was tempting to let them go.
Another child.
It wasn’t possible.
She couldn’t do it.
Not again.
It was too much.
‘Liv?’ Her mother appeared at her side. ‘Come here, sit down for minute.’ There was a bench, perfectly positioned to take in the view of the old town and the castle headland. Liv allowed her mother to take her hand and lead her over to it. The lights on the sea front curved elegantly around the bay. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
She considered her mother’s offer seriously, as she did most things. ‘Who says there’s an “it”?’
Eloise turned to face her. ‘Liv! As you know, all too well, there’s always an “it” when you have a family. Is it you and Noah? Are you still at loggerheads? He’s stubborn. You’re stubborn. You’ll get sick of being mad with each other, eventually.’
‘No. It’s not that.’ Liv didn’t have the energy to be worrying about the state of her relationship with her brother. That was the least of her concerns. She stared at the lights. She had a husband and two children who mattered more to her than anything in the world, but they were already too much. How could she possibly cope with the burden of another child at her age? A child conceived in error, for God’s sake.
‘Talk to me!’ Eloise insisted.
Liv caved in. ‘I’m pregnant. Angus doesn’t know. I can’t keep it.’
Eloise simply said, ‘Oh!’
Out at sea a solitary trawler bobbed and blinked in the darkness.
‘Can’t? Or don’t want to?’ Eloise asked.
It was a good question. ‘Can’t,’ she said. It was what she believed. Liv made her decisions logically and carefully – and working full time, at a demanding, stressful, ‘ridiculous hours’ career whilst trying to raise not two but three children, just wasn’t possible.
‘Because?’ Her mother was being deliberately obtuse. She must know why?
‘My job.’
‘So you’re saying your career takes precedence over having another child… at the moment? It’s perfectly okay if that’s true – but I just want to check.’
‘What do you mean, “at the moment”?’
‘Liv. You’re pregnant… now. You have your career and the huge responsibilities that come with that job… now.’ She paused. ‘But “now” is not for ever. What I’m saying is: you have choices. You could keep working as you are and have another baby later on, or not, if you decide not to. Or you could take some maternity leave and have this baby now, then find a different job, or even go back to the same, job later on. It’s a question of timing – and working out what’s right for you.’ The trawler disappeared over the horizon. ‘I think that might be part of the problem. You deciding what you want.’
Liv felt a wave of exasperation with her mother. She lived a life wholly determined by her personal desires. Did she not see the difference? Liv was trapped in a web of responsibilities and obligations. What she wanted barely mattered.
Her mother squeezed her hand. ‘Liv. Ever since you were a child you’ve always done what’s been asked of you. And done it amazingly well. But pleasing other people is a dangerous substitute for making your own decisions. And,’ she smiled, ‘it’s a bit of a cop-out.’ Liv tried to pull her hand away, but Eloise held on to it. ‘My advice, for what it is worth, is to stop thinking about what you need to do and work out what you want to do.’ She stood and pulled Liv to her feet. ‘But for now, I suggest we get back up to the house. If we don’t, Angus will be sending out a search party.’
They walked onwards and upwards.
Eloise kept hold of Liv’s hand all the way.
By the time they’d reached the top of the climb, Liv had made her decision.
A little girl.
A sister for the boys.
She couldn’t wait.
Work would.
It was time for her to focus on her own family.
At least for a little while.
Chapter 61
NOAH GOT an Uber back from the airport. As it neared home, the sensation that his insides were peeling away became almost unbearable. His last few conversations with Josie had been incredibly strained. The demands and denials that used
