‘Do you actually want to sell the house and move out?’ asked Zee, sensibly sticking to the question of practicalities rather than addressing the more subjective question of ‘moving on’, which was altogether a far bigger mountain to climb.
‘No, I don’t,’ replied Pam instantly, and the immediacy and clarity of her own response surprised her. She carried on talking, as much to rationalise her thoughts to herself as to explain them to Zee, ‘I don’t know if I can cope with the idea of another family moving in. They’ll want to change everything.’ Which sounded ridiculous and irrational, even to her. But if the house became someone else’s home, it would stop being Josh’s home, and part of his existence would simply be erased, as easily as her footprints in the sand by an incoming tide. The new family would paint over the pencilled height marks and dates by kitchen door frame, which she had meticulously painted around for nearly two decades whenever she’d redecorated. They’d Polyfilla the dent in the wall where Josh had tried to skateboard down the stairs and crash-landed in the hall. She’d have to remove the posters and festival tickets that were still Blu-Tacked to the wall in Josh’s room, and they’d replace his lampshade, and his curtains, and obliterate the navy-blue ceiling. Of course, they’d make changes to Luke’s room too, but Luke lived somewhere else now, Josh did not.
After a while, Zee said, ‘It’s a big step, Pam. Do you have to decide anything right now? I know things feel confused and uncertain, but it would be a mistake to go rushing into doing something you’ll regret. Give it time.’
Pam sighed. She was giving it time. It was nearly four months since she’d left Geoff. But time didn’t seem to be making it any easier to decide what to do.
The friends walked along in silence for a while, their footprints behind them leaving a long trail in the sand. Wandering closer to the shoreline, across the hard ridges of wet sand, they splashed through the cool shallows, letting the sea wash over their feet.
‘You know, you don’t have to get divorced,’ said Zee. ‘You could both stay in the house – but live apart. People do.’
‘Is that what you and Theo do now?’
‘No. Although now I come to think of it, I think I’d prefer it if we did. We still share a bedroom, and a bed, but more out of habit than anything else.’
Pam pulled a sympathetic face, but said nothing, and Zee went on. ‘And I still cook his meals and do his laundry, and do the cleaning, and the shopping and run the house… and he does the gardening and the D.I.Y. Occasionally we even talk to one another,’ she finished.
‘So it’s just like a normal marriage then,’ quipped Pam.
Zee laughed. ‘Yes, just without the wedded bliss!’
Pam tried to imagine what ‘living apart’ in the same house would be like, living with Geoff but leading totally separate lives: they’d sleep apart, obviously, but would they eat apart, cook separately, do their own laundry? It seemed an uncomfortable compromise – somehow spiteful and petty. A life of ridiculous pretence. And the mere thought of including Barbara in the scenario, accommodating her in any way, was just impossible.
‘I don’t know…’ she sighed helplessly. ‘I just don’t want him to think we can simply go back to how we were. That if he just gives me some time and few bunches of flowers it’ll all blow over and I’ll forgive him. And I’m not going to live with him if he’s still seeing that Barbara. I’m not putting up with that!’
‘Is there any danger she might move in, if you’re not there, I mean?’ ventured Zee.
Horrified, Pam whipped round and stared at her friend. That utterly appalling thought simply hadn’t occurred to her.
‘Over my dead body!’ she exclaimed. ‘I am not having that bloody woman living in my house, sleeping in my bed, and cooking in my kitchen! And she is absolutely NOT having a shower or sitting on the loo in my en suite! I’ll electrify the damn seat if I have to!’
Zee laughed and volunteered to buy the wire.
After a while, Zee asked pragmatically, ‘So, what’s the worst-case scenario?’
‘Having that Barbara in my house,’ replied Pam instantly.
‘Even worse than selling up?’
‘Yes. I don’t want another family living there, but that’s a lot better than having her living there!’
Zee hummed in thought. ‘Okay. So selling is the “least-worst” scenario. What’s the best-case scenario?’
‘Living there on my own, I suppose…’
‘You don’t sound very sure,’ remarked Zee gently.
‘I’m not.’ But one thing Pam did feel certain of following their walk, was that regardless of the practicalities, whatever they might turn out to be, she didn’t ever want to share her house, or her life, with Geoff again. Whatever the scenario – she wanted a divorce.
‘The bastard’s taking me to court!’
Nisha stood in the kitchen of Charley’s flat, digging round in her bag for the letter she’d had from Jay’s solicitor. She was shaking with rage. Her hands trembled as she found the letter and handed it to Charley.
‘Shit!’ said Charley, forgetting momentarily that Pam was also in the room. She took the letter and sat down abruptly at the kitchen table to read it. Pam didn’t flinch one iota at the expletive, she merely crossed the kitchen and put the kettle on.
‘What does this actually mean?’ Charley asked Nisha when she’d finished reading. ‘Are you actually been summoned to court, or what…?’ She felt hopelessly out of her depth as she looked at her friend.
‘No. It’s just a warning that if I don’t agree to settle, and give him a lump sum, then he’ll apply to the court to challenge the court order.’
‘Is he bluffing?’ asked Pam calmly.
‘It doesn’t sound like it,’ said Charley. ‘Not if he’s gone to the
