In the nine-to-eleven age group your child will be one of the older children at primary school, aware of, associating with and influencing many of the younger children. When your child first started school, he or she was one of the little ones – a small fish in a big pond. Now he has grown to become a big fish in a relatively small pond, with the rank, kudos and admiration of those younger. Your child will be aware of and enjoying his status and this will be reflected in his behaviour – both positively (with him setting an example) and negatively (with him challenging your rules).
When your child compares you
Your child’s growing independence and self-reliance will become more obvious now, together with the development of his or her individuality. At this age your child’s peer-group friendships will be very important, and with these comes a growing pressure to conform to the peer-group norm. At the same time, this age group begins to see their parents as fallible human beings rather than awarding them near god-like status as younger children do.
Your child will be spending more time playing independently and away from you – in friend’s houses, sleeping over, possibly playing in parks, as well as at school, clubs and out-of-school activities. This widening experience and growing sense of self-reliance will encourage your child to make comparisons between what happens at home regarding your rules and expected standards of behaviour and what happens in the homes of friends. Some of what your child sees, and the comparisons he or she makes, will be advantageous to you, supporting and reinforcing your rules for good behaviour, while other observations and comparisons may not. These comparisons, together with your child’s growing realisation that you are fallible, will lead your child to question and challenge you, your ideals and how you run your household. And what is discouraged or forbidden in your house will seem very enticing and ‘better’ when your child sees it being allowed in the family of one of his friends.
This lure of the forbidden will continue, in one form or another, into the teenage years, as your child’s world widens further and he or she compares the differences in expectations he or she sees. It is healthy for your child to be noticing these differences, but clearly it doesn’t mean you have to change or adapt your way of doing something, despite your child’s forceful argument that you should. The fact that André is allowed a small glass of diluted wine with his meal, or that Melissa doesn’t go to bed until 10.00 p.m., or that Robert has twice the amount of pocket money Tom does, or that James calls his mum and dad by their first names, is not a sign you are stuck in a Victorian time warp: it just shows that other equally respectable and well-functioning families do things differently. There is no need for you to change your house rules, unless, of course, after consideration, you believe you could learn something from the way another family does something and your rules could be changed for the better.
Getting the balance right
One of the biggest challenges for parents of a child of this age is getting the balance right. Of course we want to give our children the space and freedom to develop as confident individuals, but we also need to keep them safe and guide them to acceptable behaviour, not only for their own benefit but for the benefit of society at large. I am talking now about the average child, from a well-functioning, loving family and developing normally, with socially acceptable behaviour, and not the very challenging child who hasn’t had support and guidance and is out of control.
All households do things a little differently and there is nothing to say that the way one family approaches child-rearing gives a better balance than another. It is a sign of your child’s growing maturity and reasoning mind that he or she has noted the differences and has presented them to you; however, it can be very undermining to parent’s confidence to be continually hearing that they haven’t got the balance right and other parents have in respect of what children should be allowed to do.
It is important you listen to what your child tells you – what Simon, Rajitha, Melissa or Aisha are allowed to do that is different or forbidden in your house. Your child has the intelligence and understanding to have considered the differences and feels sufficiently confident to approach you, but he or she will be sounding you out – watching for your reaction, and wanting to hear your opinion as to why your way is right. Although it might seem that your child is simply trying to agitate you and possibly being confrontational, to begin with assume that he or she not.
When Tom says,‘Pete’s mum lets him take the dog for a walk in the evening all by himself,’don’t hear,‘Pete’s mum is better/nicer than you, and Pete likes his mum more because she is more liberal and lets Pete do what he wants.’That is not what Tom is saying. Tom is presenting this difference to you so that he can hear why he can’t take the dog for a walk by himself after dark, and part of him will already know the reason. He is not saying you are wrong: he wants to hear why you are right.
Don’t immediately lose the plot and snap,‘Well, you’re not taking our dog out. And that’s that!’This will just put Tom on the defensive and make him feel you are less approachable in the future. Say something like, ‘Isee. I think Peter is a bit young to be taking the dog out by himself after dark. I really don’t think it is safe.’The forbidden can seem very attractive to a child of this age (and older), particularly when Tom hears Pete boasting about his nocturnal adventures at school the following
