“DESTROY HIM!” Carl the Hunchback shouted.
So all at once, thousands upon thousands of these vicious, weaponized assassins all bum-rushed me, climbing over each other like army ants to get up to where I stood on Hannn’s balcony. Thankfully none of them were superhuman like me, so they couldn’t leap vertically a full thirty-seven inches…
A Short Break
WOW, right?
Just, wow!
We’re Back, Baby!
…Then I climbed up on top of Hannn’s broken golden throne, and I spotted Just Plain Usman kinda hanging out by himself down in the arena.
“Yo, JPU! Where the hell you been?”
He shrugged. “Enjoying the show.”
I couldn’t blame him. I do put on a great show.
“That’s cool,” I shouted. “How about you call in those commandos now?”
“I can’t!” he shouted back. “You told me to send them home!”
Three gleaming throwing stars sliced through the air straight toward my head—
“Dude, I was kidding!”
—and I ducked at the last second. But shit was starting to get real, even for a hyper-athletic freak of nature like the Two-Time. Evil flunkies were closing in. Blades, bullets, and blood were everywhere, plus shouts and screams and fists and fury and violence, VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE!
I needed some backup, and fast. And it hit me—not the ten-millimeter bullet that whipped right by Slick Daddy, but an idea. I was already surrounded by the greatest champions the world had to offer. They just needed a leader. And guess what?
The Doctor is a born leader.
“Gaming champions of the universe!” I shouted from the top of the throne.
That got their attention. Kangaroo Jack, Killer Commie Ivan, Mr. Miyagi Min-Zhong, and all the other champions stopped what they were doing—which was mostly standing around shooting the shit—and they stared up at me.
“We came to KEFVGAAIR as rivals. We fought as enemies in this weird secret warehouse that didn’t even have super-piranhas. And, surprising zero people here, I dominated every one of you. Like, it wasn’t even close. I am actually embarrassed for you, your families, and the nations that you caricature—”
“Doc!” Just Plain Usman shouted. “You’re losing the crowd!”
“But enough about that! Now I have a cause to bring us all together. Something so horrific, so evil, so diabolical, that no one can possibly stand for it. These BASTARDS, the motherfucking Brotherhood, are gonna sell cheap action figures of ME all over the WORLD without giving me one thin DIME! And they’re calling it a DOLL!”
Crickets.
Seriously, never has an arena full of thousands of heavily armed criminals and champion gamers ever been so silent.
“And they also do all this illegal gambling and extortion and murder and arms dealing, and if I’m being fair probably some drug dealing on the side…”
Boom!
Mass chaos broke out. Kangaroo Jack pulled out a knife that looked just like Crocodile Dundee’s. Killer Commie Ivan smashed a few vodka bottles to use as shivs. And Mr. Miyagi Min-Zhong assumed the deadly pose of the kicking crane.
“YAYAYAYA!”
From the top of Hannn’s broken throne I flung my amazing body straight into the heart of the melee. With Just Plain Usman covering my back, I cut a bloody swath through Carl the Hunchback’s gang of thousands.
Roundhouse kicks! Jujitsu guillotine chokeholds! Devastating headbutts without ever messing up my hair! And the speed of my blades—oh, the speed of my blades!
I whipped out new knives from every secret sheath on my body. And let me tell you—I have a lot of secret sheaths. They whirled through the air in a cloud of death, slicing throats, gouging eyeballs, never missing their marks.
Hundreds fell before me, but I had eyes for only one foe. The man who had betrayed me. The man who had turned out really to be a hunchback, which was awkward after I made such a scene about it, though I still have my suspicions. The man in charge of the entire Brotherhood.
“CARL THE HUNCHBACK! YOU’RE MINE!”
He sprinted through the arena—really more like a lurching shuffle. Gotta give him credit—if he was faking it, he was totally committed to the bit. And in the midst of all the death and destruction and piles of bloody bodies, he managed to make it to the roof. You knew there had to be a dramatic rooftop climax, didn’t you?
I got there just as he was stepping onto his Apache chopper.
“You could’ve been a glorious commander in the Brotherhood, Doc!” he shouted as they lifted off. “But instead you’ve made a mortal enemy! Until we meet again!”
The Apache rose higher and higher into the dark Hong Kong sky. I had one last chance to get this prick—and one last hidden blade: my complimentary Ginsu knife.
How’s that for a callback? Remember all those iconic infomercials I did, like two chapters ago? Now you know why you need to PAY ATTENTION.
My Ginsu flew through the air straight and true—so much better than a Miracle Blade—and caught Carl the Hunchback exactly where I wanted.
“Ahhh!” he shrieked. “My hump!”
The blow knocked him out of the copter and into the deep, dark depths of the South China Sea. All I could think was, “Huh, guess the fucker really did have a hunchback.”
I turned around, and standing behind me, shoulder to shoulder, gazing at me in awe, were all the gaming champions of the world. It was a pretty badass scene—the entire secret warehouse in flames, the air smelling of burning corpses and Xboxes, the Apache falling out of the sky in a gigantic fireball—no idea why it blew up, but it did, so that was cool—and the screams of the Brotherhood hoodlums echoing below us as we sent them to hell.
It was so damn beautiful. If I wasn’t so much man, I would’ve cried. But I am, so I didn’t.
“I’ll be the leader of my own global organization,” I said, looking at the mighty gang of gaming warriors. “A brand-new organization of pure awesomeness. An organization that fights for violence, speed, momentum, and merchandise royalties for all! And we’ll
