Lazr: A black, one-of-a-kind, laser-powered flip phone that shoots actual lasers, and guess what? The laser beams are also black. Seriously, black laser beams! I don’t even know how the fuck that’s possible, but it is. This thing would’ve cost a normal person over $1.3 billion, but I won it in a game of Street Fighter II with Motorola’s head engineer. Pretty sure I got him fired, but hey—no one forced him to play me. Anyway, I use my Lazr whenever I attend a movie premiere put on by my bud Chris Nolan, just to remind him I’m the bigger visionary.
Tazr: Specially made for cops, it can fire a charge of thirty thousand volts into a person of interest. I use this one when I feel like leaving my Kalashnikov and serrated bowie knife at the Top Secret Command Center and going less-than-lethal. So, I don’t know, never?
Phazr: I got this one because I was like, “Whoa, I bet this is like a flip phone combined with a super–top secret Star Trek phaser weapon!” Turned out it was just preprogrammed with William Shatner’s phone number. And you know what? Pretty nice guy!
Mazr: I pull this model out when I’m feeling trapped in a labyrinth of my own ennui or whenever I watch Labyrinth, the iconic 1986 film starring David Bowie’s incredible Goblin King mullet. Slap that baby, make him free!
Blazr: I throw this one on when I need to look business-casual on short notice.
Hazr: This ultra-rare and ultra-expensive model is two prototype plastic cups connected by a prototype string. Part of me wonders if this is a joke at my expense.
But also, guess what?
The guys at Motorola were so blown away by my excellence, dominance, and success—plus the fact that I’m the only living person on this earth who still uses flip phones—that they actually created one just for me: the Dctr.
The Dctr flip phone isn’t just a work of science. It’s not just a work of art. It’s on a whole other level, a spiritual revelation of portable telecommunications. Like, if Motorola had released this flip phone seven or eight years ago, they’d probably still be a real, authentic American company instead of just some bogus brand name owned by Lenovo. (To make my new customized flip phone, the entire original team behind the Razr came back together, led by the same head engineer I got fired years ago. Not like he had anything better to do.)
The Dctr is so thin I can slide it into my jet-black sealskin wallet and it makes less of a bulge than my black Amex. It’s so sleek that if I could drive it, I’d take it over all fifty of my Lambos. It’s so smooth that when I flip that baby open it almost disappears into thin air.
I’d say it’s black-on-black-on-black, except there is no “on.” It’s a two-dimensional, highly glossed, highly polished black plane. No screen, no numbers, no perceivable interface at all. If I want a specific button, I just push… and it’s there. Nothing but pure, strong, glossy black everywhere except for the cover, where, etched in a matte-black finish, is the silhouette of my flowing mullet, my cunning specs, and Slick Daddy.
And guess what? The Dctr can be yours, right now, at InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg, for the incredible price of—
Nah. Just kidding. This one is all mine.
Nokia
I mean, what can I say? The Two-Time only accepts the best, and the best is Motorola.
But maybe for some weird reason you want… not-best?
Is there even a word in the English language for “not-best”? The very idea is so strange to my mind, so foreign to everything I stand for, that I seriously don’t know. Oh wait. Waaaaait. I think I… Yep, that’s it. That’s the one: “loser.”
So let’s talk about Nokia.
In the battle for flip-phone supremacy, these guys are the only ones who even come close to the Motorola Razr. And by “close” I mean they’re about five light-years away. Sure, they’re reliable, they’re stylish, and they’ve got reasonable prices. But they’re number two. And because they’re number two, they are, by definition, poop.
That’s just a fact.
The only other fact you need to know about Nokia is that they’re from Finland. Don’t get me wrong, the Finns, the Swedes, the Nords, and all those really tall, pasty white people who eat lingonberries and meatballs—they’re good at lots of shit.
Like vodka, shipbuilding, and berserking.
All right, I guess that’s pretty much it. Oh, and making cheap furniture that ruins relationships. But the only cool thing they’re good at is conquering Britain.
And you know what? That should be more than enough. You got your sacking, you got your pillaging, you got your big-ass helmets with horns and your god of thunder named Chris Hemsworth. Bro, you even got Golden Axe, one of the coolest classic arcade games ever!
We’re talking sixteen bits of side-scrolling hand-to-hand combat. We’re talking broadswords and battle-axes and an angry magical dwarf called Gilius Thunderhead. We’re talking gaming history, gaming lore, that never would’ve existed without the Vikings.
And you know who developed Golden Axe for Sega? A dude named Makoto Uchida. One guess where he’s from, and if you say Finland, I’m smiting your ass like Thor.
So I’m sorry—hahaha, no, I’m not—but the Nords were not put on this earth to make flip phones. They were put here to have big shaggy beards and to have cool names like Bjorn Irönside and Eric Bloodaxe.
And that brings us to…
Ericsson
Nords, come on, learn to quit while you’re ahead! Fuck!
These dudes are Swedish.II And at one point, they’d actually made more flip phones than anyone else in the world.
And I know, because as the greatest international gamer of all time, I’ve been to every single country on the globe, no matter how mysterious, no matter how insular—just so I
