He sat down on this little boulder with a groan.
“Well,” he said, “you pretty much just said it. I’m a weird mystic hermit. And I’ve been waiting here forever. Or about five or six years, give or take. All because of a dream I had. A dream that someday a boy would walk up this lonely mountain in the middle of the night. A boy of exceptional athleticism, unsurpassed skill, and otherworldly hair. A boy who would go on to be the greatest online gaming champion the world had ever known.
“And I—I was to give this boy a message. And a name.”
“A name?” I asked.
“Yes,” he said. “The name-ame-ame is Doctor-octor-octor Disrespect-ect-ect-ect.”
And when he said it, there really was this awesome badass reverb! I swear the dude didn’t move his lips funny or do anything strange with his mouth or anything. It was just this amazing reverb effect. It electrified the air and shook the very cliffs on which we stood.
I’ve been trying to replicate it ever since.
Then I asked the first question that pretty much anyone would’ve asked.
“I’m ten years old. What am I a doctor of?”
“It’s an acronym,” he said. “Obviously.”
“Oh, right!” I laughed. Then I got super serious: “Dude, did you not just hear me? I’m ten years old. I have no idea what an acronym is.”
“Simple,” he said gravely. “Each letter of ‘Doctor’ stands for a different powerful component of your uniquely awesome character.”
“Ohhhh,” I said. “So you’re ripping off ‘Shazam’?”
“Shut up,” he said. “Anyway, here’s how it breaks down. The ‘D’ stands for ‘deadly.’ Because you’re a master of destruction.
“ ‘O’ stands for ‘omnipotent.’ Because you are as close to all-powerful as a mortal man can be without being divine.
“ ‘C’ stands for ‘crazy.’ Because I think we can all agree that you’re pretty damn crazy.
“ ‘T’ stands for ‘Titan.’ Because your massive, powerful, athletic frame will allow you to dominate all who challenge you.
“That brings us to the next ‘O,’ ” he said. “For ‘omniscient.’ Because you will be wise and all-knowing.
“And finally there’s ‘R,’ which stands for ‘rage,’ ” he said. “Because you are one angry son of a bitch.”
I smiled. Because sure, he was right about the whole rage thing—he was right about everything—but I also have one hell of a good-looking smile.
“And what about ‘Disrespect’?” I asked. “What does that stand for?”
“Doesn’t stand for anything. You’re just a bit of an asshole,” he said.
I thought about the name. Was “Dr Disrespect” the moniker, the identity, I wanted to embrace for the rest of my life? I mean, yeah, the gnarly old hermit dude seemed cool enough—definitely a BO issue, and that big mole was like a car wreck, but everything he’d said had been spot-on. Yet this was a huge decision. One that would impact my future, shape my destiny. It would have implications not just for me, but for every enemy I obliterated, every civilization I crushed, every world I dominated.
Took me about a second to make up my mind.
“The name-ame-ame is Doctor-octor-octor Disrespect-ect-ect-ect.”
Saying my new name felt right. It felt good. It felt… “me.”
The hermit guy said, “You know I can see your lips moving when you make that reverb sound, right?”
“DAMN IT!” I said. “HOW DID YOU MAKE THAT COOL SOUND?”
“You’ll figure it out,” he chuckled. “Someday.”
“ ‘Someday’? Well, that’s super annoying—thanks for nothing, hermit guy.”
And, completely justified in my anger, I turned to go.
“Wait!” he shouted.
“Look, dude,” I said. “Maybe you could, like, tell me what to do before. But things have changed now that I’m the Doc. The Doc don’t take orders from no man.”
“There’s one more thing,” he said. “A message I have to give you before you leave.”
“Chop-chop,” I said. “I still gotta get down this mountain, and if I know my mom I got a bowl of Mr. T cereal waiting there for me right now.”
He looked into my eyes. He was graver, more solemn, than I’d ever seen him. And seriously, it took every ounce of my will not to grab that damn mole and try to twist it off.
“Even with all your powers,” he said. “Even with all your strength and cunning. Even with your domination of every arena known to man, you will have one weakness, Dr Disrespect.”
“Lies!”
“And that weakness is your unquenchable thirst for challenge. Your unstoppable need for competition. Because no matter how successful you are, no matter how dominant, no matter how high you climb, it will never be enough. You will always want more.”
“NO!” I shouted. “IT’S IMPOSSIBLE! I’M THE DOC! I HAVE NO WEAKNESSES!”
“Really?” He smiled. “Where are you now?”
“I’m at the top,” I said. “I’m at the tippity-top of the mountain!”
“Then what, my friend, is that?”
He pointed above us. I looked, and I couldn’t believe my eyes.
I was at the top of the mountain. And I was still only halfway up.
FUCK.
Man, I’m so sorry, you guys. I mean, I know we pretty much reached a natural ending point to that incredible moment in Doc lore, but still—I wanted a few beats to savor it, you know? To really bask in the powerful emotional impact.
But yeah, I got this urgent message from Nigel the Editor’s AIM account.
So this right here is an official…
Real-Time Update
And of course we all know that this isn’t Nigel the Editor contacting me anymore. This is Carl the Hunchback.
I thought you said you were going to delete AOL Instant Messenger, Doc.
Whatever, man. I’ve been busy telling amazing stories here, but I’ll delete it this afternoon.
I’m happy you still have it now. It’ll give you a chance to see your old friend Nigel the Editor in his last few extremely painful moments.
What—AIM has video? No way!
Well, we had to add that functionality ourselves.
Shit, I guess you Brotherhood punks are good at something—OUCH, that does not look like fun for Nigel the Editor. What is that—a buzz saw slowly moving toward his nuts?
Yes.
And tweezers yanking out his nose
