That’s right, we’re about to break a world record.
And not just any world record. We’re talking about possibly the oldest, most sacred record ever established in the annals of history: the record for the most people screaming my custom, legally trademarked Dr Disrespect Battle Cry™ “yayaya” at one time, across the Earth, for at least a minute and a half.
Now, I know what you’re thinking.
You’re thinking, “Doc, but I just checked the Guinness Book of World Records, and I don’t see any record listed for the number of people screaming your custom Dr Disrespect Battle Cry™ ‘yayaya’ at one time, across the Earth, for at least a minute and a half, or actually anything that even, like, sounds like that at all.”
And my answer is that making history has nothing to do with small-minded facts and everything to do with greatness.
Also, you’re looking at the wrong edition of the Guinness Book of World Records. There was a special edition released in Japan in 1972, and it very specifically states that the record for the number of people screaming my Dr Disrespect Battle Cry™ “yayaya” at one time, across the Earth, for at least a minute and a half, was set in March of that year with 1,322,417 people. It’s a really rare book, like a collector’s item, and I’m lucky I found a copy.
Cool, so here’s what we’re gonna do. At the count of three, we’re all gonna start screaming the “yayaya’s. I’ll type them out for you on my prototype Dell Inspiron with WordPerfect 5.1 emulator. And make sure you read every last “ya,” because I’m timing it perfectly to get to one minute and thirty seconds.
All right, ready? Okay, one-two-three-go!
Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya—
FUCK.
Man, I’m so sorry, you guys. We were super, super close there, like seven seconds away. But I just started getting all these urgent notes from Nigel the Editor on AOL Instant Messenger.
This right here is an official…
Real-Time Update
Okay, so he’s saying that this record makes absolutely no sense, given the immutable laws of time and physics.
I mean, I guess that’s your opinion, man. But who’s the Doctor here? Yeah, I am.
And now Nigel says at this point in the book all my readers might not even understand the significance of “yayaya,” so I should discuss its secret origin and what it means to me as a person and an elite competitor. He also keeps using the word “indeed” for no good reason.
I mean, it’s really not that complicated. It’s just the terrifying guttural scream I make whenever I feel it in my stones, you know? Like deep in my massive steel cojones, right? Like say you take out some skinny punk in Modern Warfare and it’s “Yayaya!” or you knock back a brew with some of your buds and it’s “Yayaya!” or you finally squeeze out a massive dump and it’s “Yayaya!” There’s no, like, secret to it. It’s just fucking “yayaya,” you know? It’s universal.
You got “Yáyáyáyá” in Spanish. Then there’s “Farfegnugyäyäyä” in German, and “יאיאיא” in Hebrew, which, remember, is read right to left.
All right, now Nigel the Editor seems a little frustrated. He keeps yammering on about why I can’t just write a fun chapter about what exactly I’m a doctor of. Would that really be so hard?
FINE.
We won’t set the “yayaya” world record, okay? We won’t have the honor of making history right here and now, even though over 7.3 million people were only seven seconds—seven fucking seconds!!—away from taking their rightful place in the Guinness Hall of Warriors.
But I’m not gonna write about what I’m a doctor of until I’m fucking good and ready. And you might wanna do a better job of staying on my good side, okay, bro?
No, that’s not a threat. Not in the legal sense, anyway.
I’m just saying—we live in a dangerous world. Shit happens. Crazy shit. Sometimes it can be helpful to be friends with a six-foot-eight hyper-athletic Adonis who has access to the latest cutting-edge Google technology in tactical vests, 4K HD scopes, and armored Lamborghini Diablos with custom GMV 1.3 1040 W-2 M5 Browning machine-gun turrets.
That’s all I’m saying. That and—
Yayaya!
Okay, done.
(Ya!)
CHAPTER 3 THE TWO-TIME
I woke up this morning, put on my white silk robe—the only thing I own that’s not slate black or blood red—and walked in front of my wall-sized mirror, letting my robe flutter open and fully exposing my butt-naked body.
I was on my way to my trophy room. It’s the part of my multimillion-dollar Top Secret Command Center I visit about six or seven times a day, just to soak in the glory of all my success. It’s really more of a gigantic hall than a room, because let’s be honest—I need a lot of square footage to fit all 19,226 of my plaques, victor’s cups, life-size golden statuettes, commemorative spears, and rare opals awarded to me by various dukes, sultans, and emperors.
But even with all these riches, even with all these honors and fine exotic spices and oils, nothing comes close to the prize that sits at the very top of the heap. There, underneath a domed skylight of the purest Tiffany crystal, with all these powerful red lasers shooting down and cool strobe lights and this mysterious mist that honestly, I don’t even know where it comes from—there is my plastic trophy from the 1993 Blockbuster Video Game Championship. It kind of looks like a popcorn box with a VHS tape coming out of it, all coated with this metallic bronze finish, you get the idea.
And next to that trophy, except a tiny bit higher, is one from the 1994 Blockbuster Video Game Championship, which pretty much looks the same as ’93’s, except for the year.
And above those two is a special trophy that Blockbuster made right after I won the second championship, just because
