AARON’S NAME APPEARED on Zack’s caller ID as he let himself into his apartment. Zack toed off his shoes and hit the answer button as he flopped down on the couch.
“Hi, you,” he answered it. On his screen blurry chunks of pixels coalesced into Aaron’s face. Visible behind him was a headboard and some unmistakably bland North American hotel room art.
“Zack! Hi! Angel went out so I wanted to call and say hi.”
“Hello,” Zack said warmly. He managed to lever himself up from his seat at the table and wandered towards the bedroom. If he wasn’t going to cook or stretch, he might as well indulge his inclinations and lie down.
“How are you?” Aaron asked.
Zack thought about telling Aaron about the bar fight he and Matt had broken up—and the panic attack that had followed—but instantly dismissed it. Aaron didn’t need the distraction. And right now, Zack just wanted to forget it had happened.
“Good,” he lied instead. “I had a hockey game tonight and went out for drinks with the guys.”
“Cool! How’d you do?”
“Wretchedly,” Zack said, then changed the subject. “How’s camp?” No matter how much Zack had immersed himself in figure skating culture and knew how sports worked, calling the training and evaluation thing Aaron was at ‘camp’ was still weird. He kept picturing him in the woods somewhere, trying to start a fire with sticks and a magnifying glass.
“It’s, well, it sucks. I mean, I’m doing great! Skating, that is.”
“Oh?” Zack said, inviting elaboration on either point.
“Yeah. My free skate—I tried something new. I kept my eyes closed, the way you had me do when we had sex. The energy of the whole thing, my energy, changed. I—I finally found the stillness I’d been looking for. And the judges loved it. So, thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” was all Zack could manage. The magnitude of what Aaron was giving him credit for was too great for him to be able to say more. He was relieved when Aaron kept talking, evidently not expecting more of a response from him.
“Otherwise,” Aaron said, “camp is pretty terrible. I was gonna email you, but...I tried talking to Cayden. He was a huge dick to me, and now all his friends are being dicks to me, and I’m pissed at them all.”
Zack’s conscience, pushed and nudged and sometimes outright shoved to the side since this thing with Aaron had started, came roaring back to him with a force that took the breath out of him. I asked him to get Sauer to talk to me. He did what I asked. And now he’s dealing with shitty consequences because of that. Because of me.
I went too far, was the painful and overwhelming conclusion. And it’s already hurt Aaron.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” he said mechanically, when he realized Aaron was probably waiting for a response from him.
I can’t do this anymore.
.
Chapter 19
RETURNING FROM CAMP
Minneapolis and Saint Paul, MN
AARON GOT BACK TO THE Twin Cities late, because he, Brendan, Sam, Morgan, Angel and Nikolai all agreed that getting home at midnight and getting a few hours of sleep in their own beds was infinitely preferable to flying in the morning and still having to do a full day of training. Not that Aaron was sure he’d be able to sleep in any case. He was still riding the high of his achievements at camp, still pissed at Cayden for being a jerk, and impatient to see Zack and talk it all over in person with him. He was used to there being a lot of chatter going on in his head as he managed his time and his feelings, and right now it was louder than ever.
Aaron: Just got in!
He texted Zack with one hand, rolling his bag out to the airport parking garage with the other. He’d texted Charlotte as soon as the plane landed, but he wanted space from his teammates before he reached out to his boyfriend.
Zack’s reply came while Aaron was getting in the car.
Zack: Glad you got in safe.
Aaron: What are you doing tomorrow?
Aaron waited to start the car until the reply came in.
Zack: Dealing with some work stuff, but can meet you at four for coffee. That new place on the corner near Marie’s?
Aaron: I’ll be there.
Aaron turned the key in his ignition and was glad there was no one around he had to school his ridiculous grin for.
DESPITE HIS WORRIES, Aaron fell asleep the moment his head touched his pillow and woke up even before his alarm went off. Apparently his body was as eager to get to work as the rest of him was.
The sky as he drove to the rink was noticeably darker than it had been a few weeks ago. The days were getting shorter, one more reminder for Aaron that fall—and the competition season—was coming. He had ice time with Katie, ostensibly to start implementing the reams of notes and feedback from camp. But as he walked through the front doors, he couldn’t help but worry she would be less than impressed with the risk he’d taken at camp. She’d have good reason to be displeased, as Brendan had. But she’d always felt like his closest ally when it came to that program, along with Zack, and he didn’t want to lose her support...or his comfort with her.
There was no one else on the ice yet, and the cavernous space echoed with the slightest of noises while Aaron put his skates on. The door from the lobby banged just as he was stepping out onto the ice. He glanced over his shoulder to see Katie, her skates already on, striding towards him.
Aaron braced himself, but when she joined him on the ice she was smiling broadly.
“Tell me everything,” she said as they skated laps to warm up. She didn’t need to be with him for this, but chatting was part of their ritual together.
Aaron felt some
