I’m surrounded by cocksuckers. “I’m out of here.”
“Tell Pam I said hey and if she doesn’t mind we’d sure love it if she made some of that good hot dog chili again. Fight Night is coming. Heard Birds of Hell Prez is paying a visit with his golden boy.”
There’s only one thing that could mean and I’m nowhere near prepared.
Neither is my wife.
**
Back at the house my shit is still in the grass and my wife isn’t here. I stare at the empty living room missing the scent of her. Smoky with a hint of vanilla and cinnamon and the sound of my boy’s giggles and babbling. No toys scattered across the floor. No cartoons playing on the Tv. Everything is all wrong. This house isn’t a home without them. I flop down on the couch and prop my boots on the coffee table knowing it’d piss my Old Lady off. I can hear her nagging in the back of my mind telling me if I want to keep legs, I’ll get my feet off her damn table.
I dig out my phone and try my wife. It rings three times then cuts to her voicemail. I dial Zoe next. Sis answers on the second ring. “Yo.”
“Pam been by or called?”
“Jules called and offered to get the baby. I told her he was good here. What the hell is going on, Brant?”
I cap a palm to the back of my neck. Zoe being disappointed in me fucking blows. I can already hear it in her tone. She knows whatever this is that I’ve fucked up without being told. “Did something stupid.”
“I’m not going to ask what you did, but was it worth it?”
I close my eyes. How do I tell her no. That I’m just like our father. A piece of shit who couldn’t keep it in his pants. The one thing I swore I’d never be.
“I take your silence as a no. You’re my brother and I love you. We all make mistakes. It’s how we right them that counts.”
I suck in a breath. “Don’t know how to fix this, Zoe. I think I’ve lost her. She kicked me out. Threatened to take Connor from me.”
“Pam loves you.”
“I’ve gone too far this time.”
“Sounds like you’ve given up and that’s not the man I know. You gotta fight for her.”
“Maybe I’m tired of being the only one trying. Seems like the only time she gives a fuck about me is when she’s worried someone else is getting my attention.” The truth and weight of my confession settles on my shoulders. I’ve been holding on for a long damn time. Desperate for shit to get better. Since we let Nickel into our bed Pam has been different. I knew it was a mistake, but I wanted to give her a kid. A real family. We both came from broken homes.
“Don’t forget it’s not just about you and your hurt feelings. There’s a little boy sitting in my lap who is counting on both of you. Do what you need to. I’ll keep Connor until you figure out your next steps.”
“Appreciate it. Call you soon.” I end the call and toss my phone aside. I need a damn drink and a smoke. I nab a bottle of my old pal Jim Beam, my tin box with my weed stash, and go to the back deck. Loneliness is nothing a little puff puff pass and liquor can’t cure.
I sit out on the deck drinking and smoking contemplating where we go from here. Do we separate? Divorce? Split custody of the kid? Pam deserves better than me. I’m doing to her the same shit my old man pulled with my mother. Stepping out on her while claiming to love her. Making promises he never intended to keep. I grew up watching my mother destroy herself chasing after that bastard. Only Pam isn’t chasing after me. She’s washed her hands. I think she gave up on me way before I cheated.
I drink until I can’t think any more.
I doze off a while and when I wake, I am no closer to getting my shit together. I straggle into the house, kicking my boots off and undressing as I go. I get my jeans off and slide into bed at the sound of the back door opening.
Chapter Eight
Against my sister’s wishes Roane drove me home. The second I spotted Link’s motorcycle I immediately regretted the decision. I’m not ready to face him, but I can’t run from him or our problems. At least if he’s here I know he’s not with someone else as pathetic as it sounds. I can’t bear the thought of him with another woman even if all I want to do is cut off his balls and feed him to him whenever I look at him.
“You need me to walk in?” Roane offers as the truck idles.
I shake my head. “No, but thanks. I’ll be okay.”
“You need anything no matter the day or time you call me, I’ll be there.”
“You’re a good guy, Roane. Wish there were more like you out there.”
“You’ve got one in there. He just needs reminding.”
I shoot him a weak smile and tug my purse strap up my shoulder. “Later.”
“Give him hell.” He grins.
I nod and exit the vehicle, slowly trudging to the back door. I wanted to pick Connor up. Zoe said she had just put him, down and she’d bring him home in the morning if I wanted. It’s probably best he isn’t here for this. It’s late and none of the lights are on. He could’ve parked his bike here and caught a ride with someone else. My heart squeezes tight in my chest at the idea.
The moment I step through the back door I trip over the asshole’s big ass boots, catch my shoulder on the wall, and take a knee to the floor. “Shit,” I hiss with a wince at the pain.
The lamp on the
