Reluctantly I tell her about the heart to heart we had, about me waking up and going get a drink after having a dream about him and then I tell her all about the kiss.
“Oh Mia, what are you doing?” She groans.
“What? You of all people should be happy. You're the one that keeps telling me that I need to put myself out there.”
“And I stand by that completely. You've always been too much of a goody two shoes and deserve to live a little but...”
I already know what she's going to say and deep down, I think that's why I chose to confide in her. I need someone else to validate how stupid I'm being right now, but I'd be lying if I said a part of me wasn't hoping that she'd tell me to go bang on his door and jump his bones.
“You get attached too easily. You need someone who doesn't see you every day. Someone who isn't your boss.”
“Yeah, I know. I guess I just got swept up in the moment. Thanks for being there.”
“No problem. That's what sisters are for.”
“Call me when you finish filming on Monday.”
“Of course. Good night.”
“Night.”
I close my eyes, trying to think of anything other than Ethan but no matter how hard I try, I can't get him out of my head.
Why did he kiss me?
I've seen the type of women he tends to go for and we are worlds apart. When I was doing my research, I came across his wedding photo and he looked so happy and in love with the tall brunette by his side. Loose curls falling softly against her olive skin.
I can't imagine being that in love with someone and having them taken away forever. Is that why he has been with so many other women? Did he kiss me because he's missing her and I'm here?
What the fuck was I thinking?
If Maddie had walked in a minute or two later, it would cost me a fortune in therapy when she's older but it's exactly what I needed.
I needed to be reminded why Mia is here. Why it can never happen again.
I knew it was a bad idea and I did it anyway because I was too busy letting my dick make the decisions to worry about the consequences. At least I'll be leaving for the press tour in a few days so I'll be away from temptation for the best part of a week and hopefully all will be forgotten by the time I return.
I head down the stairs from Maddie's room, straight to mine. A mixture of emotion bubbles up inside as I make my way across my room towards the bed and there's only one person that knows me well enough to help. I need to talk to her.
I open the drawer of my bedside table, pulling out my favourite photo of Sam.
It was taken about a year before she died when we were in Las Vegas for a fight. We'd just watched Phantom of the Opera at the Venetian and she wanted a photo taken with the gondola boats in the background.
Whenever I look at it, I'm reminded of a happier time.
“Hey honey.” I lower myself on to my bed leaving my feet firmly planted on the carpeted floor. “Sorry it's been so long.”
Although completely alone, I still feel awkward whenever I speak to her, even after two years and a half years. It started as a coping mechanism that I used almost daily but now, well let's just say it's been too long.
“Maddie's growing up so fast. She's a lot like you, you know. It's difficult to look at her without seeing you staring back at me.” I smile, stroking the photo with my thumb as I try to imagine what she'd say if she was here.
It's been almost six months since we last spoke. Why now?
“I've messed up and I don't know what to do.”
What have you done now?
“I kissed the nanny.”
Does she have feelings for you?
“I don’t know. She kissed me back.”
Do you have feelings for her?
“I’m not sure. I'm trying not to. Fuck, it feels so weird talking to you about this.”
It's been two years and I'm not coming back. It's time to move on baby.
“I'm not ready." I sit in silence for a second, tears welling up. "When I found out about you and Lucas, I was so angry with you but when you died, it broke me. I can't open myself up to that again.”
Hurting you was the worst thing I've ever done and I'm so sorry, but you can't let one bad experience with me ruin your chance of being happy.
“I'm not sure I know how to be happy anymore.” I swing my legs on to the bed and cover myself with a thin blanket, laying my head on the pillow next to the photo of my late wife.
Getting rid of some of my things would probably be a good place to start.
Her words echo in my head as I drift off to sleep.
The next morning, my alarm wakes me with a start. The sun spills in from underneath the curtains as I drag myself out of bed and return Samantha safely to my drawer.
I hate these early mornings but at least it's not winter. There's nothing worse than having to get up when it's still pitch-black outside.
For the next hour I go through the motions, starting with a five-mile run to warm up for this morning's workout.
I've thought a lot about my conversation with Sam last night and she's right. Having her things in the room is not healthy so once I'm back from the media tour I'm going to sort everything out and donate it. Of course, I'll keep some of her jewellery for Maddie to have when she's older.
I just about have time to grab a bite to eat when I hear chatter outside, I get to
