I close my eyes for a moment and let out a sigh of relief, then shift my attention back to her. “But somebody saw?” I ask, wrinkling my nose.
It’s not that I care that anyone saw me having sex, I’ve actually been paid for that before, it’s that Hawk’s friends saw us having sex.
It shouldn’t even matter, at least not at this point. It’s not like I’m going to be a permanent fixture here anyway. I’m temporary. My heart will stay here when I leave, but I’ll be gone, just a distant memory.
“They did.” Trista laughs. “As much as I want to say it’s disgusting, because believe me—it is. I’m happy.”
Pressing my lips together, I roll them as I try to think of the right words to tell her that she shouldn’t be happy. What is happening between me and Hawk, it’s fleeting. Nothing is going to happen, the future is nonexistent when it comes to us.
“I hope that my dad will stay here with you at his side, now.”
“You’re not angry with him anymore?” I ask as I cross my legs beneath the sheet and bite the inside of my cheek.
Trista shakes her head. “Not anymore. He’s not really my dad, he’s Hawk, but maybe he can be a grandpa. And maybe he can do what he felt he wasn’t able to and be a real father,” she says, flicking her eyes down to my stomach before she lifts them back to meet my own.
I almost burst out laughing and if it wasn’t so depressing, I think I just might. Instead, I shake my head a couple of times, slowly.
“That won’t be happening,” I whisper.
“What do you mean? You told me you want a family. My dad is totally head over heels in love with you. What’s the issue?”
Letting out a snort, I lean back against the headboard, keeping the sheet up and tucking it beneath my arms. Looking up at the ceiling, I inhale a deep breath before I release it and refocus back on Trista.
“Your dad doesn’t want children, not with me, not with anyone. We talked about it last night and he doesn’t want to start another family. He’s happy to have you and be a grandfather.”
“You can change his mind,” she practically growls.
I manage a trembling smile as I watch her. I love that she’s so positive, I just wish that I could match her outlook. I can’t because I know how insistent he was, I know that Hawk isn’t going to magically change his mind, just like I’m not going to either.
There is no compromising on something as big as this. I can’t try to force him to have a family with me when he doesn’t want one. I can’t try to change his life for my own happiness and I’m not willing to give something that big up for his—as it always should be.
“I’m not going to change his mind. I can’t. He knows what he wants and so do I. This is life, Trista. We aren’t you and Taz. I love Orson, but we’re just not in the same place and that’s okay.”
“I want to cry,” she whispers. “I thought he would want to have a family with you. I urged him to go and get you. I know he loves you.”
Reaching across the bed, I take her hand in mine and squeeze it. “I love him more than I thought possible. I’ve never loved someone before, not like this. He cares for me, but it’s not love for him and that’s just fine. After this shit is all dealt with, I’m going to find the path that’s right for me, Orson just isn’t it.”
“He told you his name,” she whispers, ignoring everything else that I’ve said. “His real name. I didn’t even know that until a few months ago.”
Her lips slowly curve into a secretive smile. Shaking my head, I refuse to smile about this, it doesn’t mean anything other than I asked his name and he told me in the heat of the moment. It isn’t special, not at all.
“Avah, I just don’t believe that he’s going to let you go.”
Biting the inside of my cheek, I only unclench my jaw when I taste blood. “He will and I’m okay with that. Not only because I have to be, but because I need to be.”
“Okay,” she whispers. “It’s going to be hard as hell to watch you both fuck your lives up.”
Laughing softly, I squeeze her hand. “There’s no fucking it up when it comes to Hawk. I don’t know why we were drawn to one another, but we were and I am okay with walking away. I had a taste of happiness with him, it’s been exactly what I need for right now, but it won’t be what I need for the future.”
Tears fill her eyes and fall down her cheeks. She wipes them away with the hand that I’m not holding and inhales a shaky breath. “I didn’t want you together at first. I thought not only was it gross, but I didn’t have much respect for him and I didn’t think that he deserved you.”
“And now?” I ask with a smile.
“He still doesn’t deserve you,” she snaps. “But I wanted to keep you where you belong, here with us, as a part of my family. I see the way he looks at you and you him, I was okay with you being with him.”
“Don’t lie, you wanted me to be your mom because I’m awesome.”
Her tears don’t stop flowing and I feel like an asshole for even saying those words. But Trista, being Trista, she smiles through her tears and shakes them off.
“That’s exactly what I wanted,” she whispers.
“Let’s go shopping, I have like two outfits,” I announce, trying to lighten the mood and change the subject.
HAWK
Leaving Avah naked and asleep in bed, I head outside. The morning sun
