KB: If you hook up with someone, what happens next? I mean do you sleep over with them that night or how does it work?
Emily: I don’t usually ever [sleep over].
KB: Where does it [the hookup] happen?
Emily: I would say at parties most often or maybe back at your dorm . . . later on if you’re hanging out with them.
Since there is a taboo against getting more physical than kissing in front of other people, those interested in a greater degree of sexual intimacy would find a private room to hook up or would return to the dorm room or apartment of one of the partners. This does not mean that everyone who goes home with someone intends to do more than kiss, some students valued privacy for any level of sexual intimacy.
A second factor determining the location of a hookup was whether one of the students had a preference for sleeping overnight or not. Some students said they like to leave the hookup partner that night, thereby avoiding the awkwardness of waking up the next day next to someone.
Some students I interviewed also mentioned wanting to avoid the
“walk of shame,” or walking home the day after a hookup in the same clothes they wore the night before. Style of dress varies significantly between the daytime and nighttime, so that it is obvious to onlookers if someone is still in their nighttime wear. Interestingly, women seemed more concerned with the walk of shame than their male counterparts.
In addition to these considerations, some students indicated that they preferred not to sleep over with their hookup partner because they had trouble actually sleeping with someone in the same bed; so it was deemed better to part that night. Max, a sophomore at State University, referred to these problems associated with spending the night with a woman.
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T H E H O O K U P
Max: Hopefully they didn’t sleep over.
KB: Oh, they don’t stay over?
Max: If I have any say, I hope not.
KB: So you hook up and you walk them home?
Max: Yeah, for me, yeah, hopefully.
KB: And why do you say that?
Max: I’m like a “scoocher,” I like totally want to sleep well, like, I want to scooch all around my bed.
KB: So, you find it physically uncomfortable for them to stay over?
Max: Right. On top of the fact, then it’s the whole, maybe it’s a cop out, but I think it’s easier when you’re both kind of tipsy or whatever then the next morning to wake up and be like now we’re both hung-over and you know like [groans] and then you have that awkward conversation, you know what I mean?
KB: Right.
Max: So, I totally would want to avoid that and not have to go through that.
For those who do choose to spend the night after hooking up, there did not seem to be any convention with regard to whether the location was the man’s or woman’s dorm room or apartment. Students indicated that they made that choice based on situational factors. For instance, who lived closer to where the two met? Who had a better setup for someone staying over (e.g., his or her own bedroom)? In some cases, female students took into account where they would feel safe. Some men indicated that they were aware of this and therefore were willing to give up
“home field advantage” in order to make the woman feel safer. Although decisions are made about where the hookup will take place, this can be accomplished without outright acknowledging that the plan is to hook up. Jack, a sophomore student at Faith University, illustrates how the two parties can figure out where the hookup will take place without verbalizing their full intentions: “You can just be having a conversation and suddenly she’ll be like: ‘I really haven’t been to your house at all this year.’ And then [she] comes back with you [to hook up].” How Far to Go
Once the partners begin to engage in a hookup encounter, each person must decide how far to take things sexually. Obviously, an individual’s T H E H O O K U P
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own moral beliefs and sense of self factor into how one conducts one’s sex life.18 But these are not the only factors guiding what takes place during a hookup. Perception of what peers do sexually also affects the level of sexual interaction. What students believe is normal within the context of the hookup culture seems to greatly affect how they conduct their own sexual behavior.
Identifying the sexual norms is somewhat difficult given that hooking up encompasses such a wide range of sexual behavior. “Just kissing” may be the norm for a particular person or a particular group of friends on campus, while sexual intercourse is the norm for others. Despite this variation, there is one norm, specific to the hookup culture, which dictates how much sexual interaction is likely to happen. Some college students in my sample indicated that they would go farther sexually with someone during a hookup if they did not really like the person or did not think that there was any chance for a relationship with that person. On the face of it, this seems illogical. Why would students be more sexual with someone they did not really like or did not envision as a potential partner? Many college students realized that getting too sexual with a hookup partner early on is not a good way to begin a relationship. Students indicated that you should “take it slow” with someone you really liked and “get to know each other” for a while. Too much sexual interaction in the early stages of meeting someone was seen as
