“No, [it doesn’t work that way].”
KB: What did you say to him when he gave you this talk?
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Shana: Just that I feel like I am either setting myself up for the biggest fall of my life [if I wait it out and we don’t end up together] or the chance for my dreams all coming true. And it’s like—do I take that chance? Am I going to end up being 35
and single still waiting for [him] to come around? [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]
Carol: So before me he dated people for like two months, then he’d move on. He wouldn’t ever let it get serious; he just did it to date but not to get more involved. He’s told me now that
[our relationship] was serious to the extent that we weren’t dating anyone else. He was my boyfriend. But any time he thought it was getting too involved, like I was being too dependent on him . . . he would just say: “I am not ready for this.” [He would] get scared . . . and he would always say to me: “I am breaking up now because I can’t do this to you farther down the road.” The last time we broke up . . . I realized, not what I was doing wrong but, I was kind of pushing him away a little bit, scaring him off. But also it was because of him. He would make me so insecure.
KB: Give me an example of something you might do to scare him off or [something] that would show that you are too dependent.
Carol: It was just little stuff. He said now it wasn’t so much me being dependent on him, it was just that he wasn’t ready to be [in a relationship]. Like I would call him and ask his advice on something and he would think: “Why is she calling me to ask me that?” I would ask him [advice] now and he would answer me. I don’t think now that I was being as dependent as he was saying. He wasn’t ready for me to ask him his advice or to do the full couple thing. But we should have been [ready]. We dated for nine months; it was serious dating. We weren’t seeing anyone else; we saw each other every weekend and even during the week and we talked every day. He was my boyfriend. It was one of those things where we just weren’t on the same page at the same time about what we wanted and stuff like that. [24-year-old alumnus of Faith University]
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One can clearly see that Waller’s “principle of least interest” is still (60-some years after he coined the phrase) largely dictating who holds the power among young singles. Given the relationship struggles that many women go through, it is obvious why advice books, such as He’s Just Not That Into You, end up being best-sellers.54
WALKING THE LINE
Men’s greater control has led to the sexual exploitation of women in both the dating and hooking-up eras. According to Waller’s study of the dating era, exploitation occurred when one party was more interested in a continuing relationship than the other and thereby she or he was willing to give in to the other’s demands. Among dating partners during this time, women might exploit men by “gold digging,” while men could exploit women for sexual favors or “thrills.”55 Therefore, in a case where a woman had stronger feelings toward a man and was trying to secure him, she might offer more sexual favors. In the hookup era, sexual exploitation continues to be an issue for women. Since hooking up does not involve men spending money on women, college men have no fear of gold digging.56 Women, on the other hand, must be cautious about being used. Many of the college men I spoke with were aware that women were desirous of more committed relationships, yet men were often able to keep a woman as just a hookup partner.
Exploitation was an issue not just for women in some version of a relationship, but for those seeking relationships, too. Throughout the dating era, women who had a reputation for “putting out” might be asked on dates by a variety of men, each having the purpose of seeing how much he could get sexually.57 Certain women might be sought after for dates because they were defined as being sexually available merely due to their social class or occupation.58 For example, student nurses were stereotyped as a “good time” by college men. Thus, college men sought dates with student nurses in order to “get a little” sexually.59 Some college men in the hookup era who are interested in accumulating various hookup partners do so by going after certain women, as men did in the dating era. For example, several college students mentioned that freshman males have a great deal of difficulty getting into campus parties unless they know one of the hosts personally, while 180
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freshman women are granted free admission. This practice increases the likelihood of upperclassmen being able to hook up with freshman women who are a target because they are naive about the unwritten rules of the hookup scene.
Like women of the dating era, college women in the hookup culture must walk a fine line between being exploited and being excluded.
Those who choose to take part in the script not only risk being used for sex, but also risk their reputations. There are a host of norms to which contemporary college women must adhere in order to avoid being labeled a “slut.” College women can be negatively labeled if they hook up too often or with too
