HAROLD
I like the truth. I wouldn't be alive today if I weren't one of the biggest fans truth ever had.
PENELOPE
Well--part of it is that heroes basically hate home and never stay there very long, and make awful messes while they're there.
HAROLD
Go on.
PENELOPE
(blurting)
And they have very mixed feelings about women. They hate them in a way. One reason they like war so much is that they can capture enemy women and not have to make love to them slowly and gently. They can scrog them, as you say-(pause) for revenge.
HAROLD
You learned this in some college course?
PENELOPE
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
college. Actually--it was Norbert who told me that.
HAROLD
(darkly)
The doctor.
PENELOPE
Yes.
HAROLD
And what is his most cherished possession?
PENELOPE
(not sensing the
drift of the conversation) His most cherished possession? His violin, I guess.
HAROLD
And he keeps it in his apartment?
PENELOPE
(still at sea)
Yes.
HAROLD
And no one's there now?
PENELOPE
I don't think so.
HAROLD
That's too bad. I would rather have him at home--to see what I'm going to do.
PENELOPE
(suddenly catching on, sick with fear) What are you going to do?
HAROLD
He did his best to destroy my most file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (95 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
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precious possession, which is the high opinion women have of me. I'm now going to even that score. I'm going to break in his door and I'm going to smash his violin.
PENELOPE
No you're not!
HAROLD
Why not?
PENELOPE
Because if you do--I'll leave you.
HAROLD
(promptly and emotionlessly) Goodbye.
Blackout.
SCENE TWO
SPOTLIGHT comes up on VON KONIGSWALD and WANDA JUNE, dressed as before. They have become close friends.
WANDA JUNE
We have this new club up here in Heaven.
VON KONIGSWALD
Yes, we do.
WANDA JUNE
We only have two members so far, but it's growing all the time.
VON KONIGSWALD
We have enough for a shuffleboard team. In Heaven, shuffleboard is everything. Hitler plays shuffleboard.
WANDA JUNE
Albert Einstein plays shuffleboard. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (96 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
VON KONIGSWALD
Mozart plays shuffleboard.
WANDA JUNE
Lewis Carroll, who wrote Alice in Wonderland, plays shuffleboard.
VON KONIGSWALD
Jack the Ripper plays shuffleboard.
WANDA JUNE
Walt Disney, who gave us Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, plays shuffleboard. Jesus Christ plays shuffleboard.
VON KONIGSWALD
It was almost worth the trip--to find out that Jesus Christ in Heaven was just another guy, playing shuffleboard. I like his sense of humor, though--you know? He's got a blue-and-gold warm-up jacket he wears. You know what it says on the back? "Pontius Pilate Athletic Club." Most people don't get it. Most people think there really is a Pontius Pilate Athletic Club.
WANDA JUNE
We're going to have jackets, aren't we?
VON KONIGSWALD
You bet! "The Harold Ryan Fan Club." Pink, eh? With a yellow streak up the back.
(both laugh)
We got very good tailor shops up here. They'll make you any kind of uniform, any kind of sweatsuit you want. Judas Iscariot--he's got this black jacket with a skull and file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (97 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
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crossbones over the heart. He walks around all hunched over, and he never looks anybody in the eye, and written on the back of his jacket are the words, "Go take a flying-WANDA JUNE punches him in the ribs.
VON KONIGSWALD
leap at the moon."
MILDRED, HAROLD's third wife, enters. She is voluptuous, blowzy, tough--about forty-five. She has trouble with alcohol. VON KONIGSWALD is expecting her.
VON KONIGSWALD
Aha! Hello! You're Mildred, right?
MILDRED
I heard you were looking for me.
VON KONIGSWALD
You were Harold Ryan's third wife. Right?
MILDRED
Yes.
VON KONIGSWALD
You want to join the Harold Ryan Fan Club? Wear a pink jacket with a yellow streak up the back?
MILDRED
Do I have to? Who's the little girl?
WANDA JUNE
Mr. Ryan just borrowed my birthday cake. I don't really know him.
MILDRED
Thought you were another wife, maybe.
WANDA JUNE
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I'm only ten years old.
MILDRED
That's what he wanted--a ten-yearold wife. He'd come home from a war or a safari, and he'd wind up talking to the little kids.
WANDA JUNE
Won't you please join our club? Please?
MILDRED
Honey--Alcoholics Anonymous takes all the time I've got--and Harold Ryan is an individual I would rather forget. He drove me to drink. He drove his first two wives to drink.
VON KONIGSWALD
Because he was cruel?
MILDRED
(covering WANDA
JUNE's little ears) Premature ejaculation.
VON KONIGSWALD
Ach soooooooooo.
MILDRED
No grown woman is a fan of premature ejaculation. Harold would come home trumpeting and roaring. He would the kick the furniture with his boots, spit into corners and the fireplace. He would make me presents of stuffed fish and helmets with holes in them. He would tell me that he had now earned the reward that only a woman could give him, and he'd tear off my clothes. He would carry me into the bedroom, telling me to scream file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (99 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
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and kick my feet. That was very important to him. I did it. I tried to be a good wife. He told me to imagine a herd of stampeding water buffalo. I couldn't do that, but I pretended I did. It was all over--ten seconds after he'd said the word "buffalo." Then he'd zip up his pants, and go outside, and tell true war stories to the little kids. Any little kids.
VON KONIGSWALD
That is sad.
MILDRED
(blankly)
Is it?
(pause)
I have this theory about why men kill each other and break things.
VON KONIGSWALD
Ja?
MILDRED
Never mind. It's a dumb theory. I was going to say it was all sexual..but everything is sexual...but alcohol.
(making peace sign) Peace.
VON KONIGSWALD WANDA JUNE
(making peace sign)(making peace sign) Peace. Peace. Blackout.
SCENE THREE
SILENCE. Darkness.
WOODY WOODPECKER VOICE
Ha ha ha ha ha!
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