(pause)
I'm up in Heaven now, like that little Wanda June kid. I wasn't hit by no ice-cream truck. Harold file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (55 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
Ryan killed me with his bare hands. He was good. My eyes popped out. My tongue stuck out like a red banana. I shit in my pants. It was a mess.
(pause)
When I got up on the day I died, I said, "What a beautiful day this is. What a beautiful part of the world." The whole planet was beautiful. Up here I meet guys from other planets.
(laughs)
We got some really crazy-looking guys up here. Their planets weren't anywhere near as nice as Earth. They had clouds all the time. They never saw a clear blue sky. They never saw snow. They never saw an ocean. They had some little lakes, but you couldn't go swimming in them. The lakes were acid. You go swimming, you dissolve. We got some guys up here who got shoved in them lakes. They dissolved.
(pause)
Harold Ryan stopped talking German to me there in Yugoslavia. He switched to English, so I finally got some kind of idea what he was so burned up about. He wanted revenge for the guy we killed with orange juice. I don't know how he ever found out about it. There was just three of us there when we did it--me and two regular military doctors. Somebody who cleaned up afterwards must have squealed. If I'd lived through the war, and they tried me for war crimes and all that, I'd have to tell the court, I guess, "I was only following file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (56 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
orders, as a good soldier should. Hitler told me to kill this guy with orange juice."
Blackout.
SCENE EIGHT
DARKNESS. Lights come up on living room. HAROLD has just finished telling his true war story to PAUL.
HAROLD
Mhravitch. Remember that name.
PAUL
Mhravitch.
HAROLD
The name will live forever. It was there that Harold Ryan slew the Beast of Yugoslavia. Mhravitch.
PAUL
When I grow up, I'm going to go to Mhravitch.
HAROLD
It's rather a disappointment these days. It isn't there any more.
PAUL
Sir?
HAROLD
The Germans shot everybody who lived there, then leveled it, plowed it, planted turnips and cabbages in the fertile ground. They wished revenge for the slaying of the Beast of Yugoslavia. To their twisted way of thinking, your father had butchered an Eagle Scout. (abruptly)
Play lots of contact sports? file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (57 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
PAUL
I wanted to go out for football, but Mom was afraid I'd get hurt.
HAROLD
You're supposed to get hurt!
PAUL
Dr. Woodly says he's seen hundreds of children permanently injured by football. He says that when there's a war, everybody goes but football players.
HAROLD
Does it bother you to have your mother engaged to a man like that?
PAUL
They're not engaged.
HAROLD
He seems to think they are. He told me that were.
PAUL
Oh no, no, no, no, no. It can't be. How embarrassing.
HAROLD
(unexpectedly moved) You're a very good boy to respond that way.
PAUL
No, no, no, no, no.
HAROLD
I'd like to use the sanitary facilities, if I may.
PAUL
Go ahead.
(as HAROLD exits)
No, no, no, no.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
PENELOPE and SHUTTLE enter through front door. They are tremendously relieved to see PAUL.
PAUL
Thank God!
SHUTTLE
What a relief!
PENELOPE
(going to PAUL)
My baby's safe!
PAUL angrily avoids her touch.
PENELOPE
What's the matter now?
SHUTTLE
We got a birthday cake, kid. Did you see the cake?
PAUL
Are you and Dr. Woodly engaged?
PENELOPE
(stunned)
Who have you been talking to?
PAUL
What difference does that make? Is Dr. Woodly going to be my father now? Pause.
PENELOPE
Yes, he is.
PAUL
(a stifled, gargling cry) Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SHUTTLE
(sick)
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
That goes double for me.
PAUL
I don't want to live any more.
SHUTTLE
I feel like I want to yell my head off--just yell anything.
(yelling)
Bulllllllllllllll-dickey!
PAUL
I'll kill myself.
SHUTTLE
The wife of Harold Ryan is going to marry a pansy next? This is the end of Western Civilization as far as I'm concerned. You must be crazy as a fruitcake.
PENELOPE
Possibly.
SHUTTLE
How long has this been going on?
PENELOPE
A week. We were waiting for the right time to-SHUTTLE
I feel as though I had been made a perfect chump of.
PENELOPE
I'm sorry.
SHUTTLE
Marry me instead.
PENELOPE
Thank you, Herb. You're a wonderful man. You really are. Everybody respects you for what file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (60 of 143) [10/16/2004 4:36:53 PM]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
you've done for scouting and the Little League.
SHUTTLE
You're saying no.
PENELOPE
I'm saying no--and thank you.
SHUTTLE
I didn't make my move fast enough. That's it, isn't it? I was too respectful.
PENELOPE
You were wonderful.
SHUTTLE
What's so wonderful if I lost the sale?
(turning to PAUL)
You poor kid.
PAUL
Don't touch me.
SHUTTLE
Wouldn't you rather have your mother marry me than him?
PAUL
No.
SHUTTLE
(moving dazedly
toward the front door) All my dreams have suddenly collapsed.
(pause)
We did have a lot of laughs together, Penelope.
PENELOPE
It's true.
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY, WANDA JUNE
SHUTTLE
Well--it was nice while it lasted. Thanks for the memories.
He exits.
Silence. A toilet flushes loudly and complicatedly.
PENELOPE
Is Norbert still here?
PAUL
No.
PENELOPE
Then who flushed the toilet?
PAUL
Father's friend.
PENELOPE
What's his name?
PAUL
Don't know.
PENELOPE
For Heaven's sakes!
HAROLD enters, still adjusting his trousers.
PENELOPE
How do you do?
HAROLD
How do you do, Mrs. Ryan? I'd heard you were beautiful, and so you are. Am I intruding here?
PENELOPE
Not at all.
HAROLD
I couldn't help overhearing that you were about to get married again. file:///G|/Program%20Files/eMule/Incoming/Ku...egut%20-%20Happy%20Birthday%20Wanda-June.htm (62 of
