‘Course I never told ‘em a thing ‘bout how I felt about fuckin’ Shayes. Never will. Instead, I’m just tryin’ to get the same feelin’ with my new punk. An’ I gotta admit, it’s close. Close to the same tenderness an’ compassion an’ ache an’ anger. This one’s a nice-lookin’ kid caught up in drugs -- makin’ cat or X or something like that an’ now in for ten. He was easy to break in ‘cause I don’t make him do all that much. Just let me hold him. Pretend he’s somebody else. An’ he’s happy to do it. Sort of. ‘Cause he’s seen what happens to other guys like him then they come in here. An’ he knows I can protect him. So I’ll probably keep him the whole time he’s in, even if somethin’ better is rostered in.
An’ somethin’ fresh an’ good is always rostered in. We got a system that thinks it’s better t’ put guys in jail an’ let ‘em become whatever they become ‘stead of tryin’ to help ‘em stay human. How’d this one guy put it? “A survival of the fittest mentality.” I figure eventually they’ll stop even offerin’ probation an’ just build enough jails to keep all the criminals in for the rest of their lives, no matter what they did. Saves time an’ effort, in their little pea brains.
But I still gotta wonder how the hell I could let my life got so fucked up. I didn’t aim to wind up here. Didn’t plan to fuck myself so completely. But somehow I did one major perfect job on me. An’ yeah, I may’ve had help along the way, but that’s just an excuse. It seems like this is the only future I ever really saw for myself, an’ I did my damnedest to fulfill it. An’ so when you think about it that way -- I got exactly what I wanted.
But you what’s really funny? I’m not sorry for it. ‘Cause what I did -- as fucked up as this sounds, I connected with Shayes. Somehow. Way down deep. I don’t know where or why or how come or anything. I just know it brought me time with him.
An’ it felt so right
when we drove up the coast
on that cold stormy night
an’ for those few, few seconds
while my head felt so light
I knew deep inside
there’s no reason to fight.
No reason, at all.
Yeah, I know, I know -- what I did to him was rape. An’ there’s nothin’ worse you can do to a guy. But it didn’t have to be like that. Not with any of ‘em. It could’ve been more. We could’ve been close. Close like I’ve never been with anybody, not even Connie. ‘Cause I didn’t really need the power. Didn’t really need the control. All I really needed was somebody as strong as me who’d let me hold ‘em an’ be with ‘em an’ even lean on ‘em if I needed to an’...an’ why couldn’t I have seen that, years ago?
Shit. Looks like I fucked myself out of that, too.
About the Author
I read. I write. I paint and sketch. I want to make movies. I live in a quiet world, alone.
Table of Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Epilogue
About the Author
