Alone with her, I cry. I realize I haven’t cried at all since the arrest. I’ve been too preoccupied, trying to rationalize her actions without jumping to conclusions. Trying to remain strong for Ava. Mom taught me that strength. She molded me into the woman I am today, and I’ve yet to fully accept that same woman is a fraud. She may have done monstrous things, but I’m not ready to let her go.
As the last sobs trickle out, I look at her. I try to picture her happy face at the birthday party, not this one clinging to life.
“I don’t know who you are,” I say, knowing she won’t be able to hear me. “But I need you here. I need you to pull through for me. For Ava. Please don’t leave us.”
For several minutes, I sit alone, taking in the mechanical drone. Taking in the stillness.
14 EileenThen
And just like that, everything changed. Jamie was moving to the east coast. She had applied to a university there and was accepted. Part of me wondered if Jamie wanted to leave New Hutton and its memories in the past. Leave behind the bitter girl she was here and start over somewhere, refreshed. She had the resources for that.
I think her only regret was leaving us behind. She knew she’d miss out on everything happening in our lives, but it was time for her to take control of hers. One of her black coat cousins would be taking over at Buster’s. She promised he’d take care of us, give us the best hours and higher pay.
On the day she was due to leave, Cliff and I offered to help her pack up her place, hoping to make a few more memories together.
“I’ve got to drop off some keys down the street,” Jamie said. I can still remember she was wearing denim overalls and high-top sneakers, her hair curly and pulled to the side with a scrunchie. “Want to meet back here in twenty to finish up?”
“No, just go,” I said. “We can box up the rest of this.”
“Are you sure?”
“It will be waiting on the sidewalk by the time you get back,” Cliff said.
“You guys are too good to me.”
I let the compliment linger, even though Jamie was the one who deserved thanks. Before I landed the job at Buster’s, I hadn’t known what it felt like to be grounded. To have people I cared about. I’d never missed someone before, the way I would soon miss her. And yet, I’d also never carried that amount of love for someone. Part of me wanted Jamie to stay, but I also wanted her to leave and find the happiness that she couldn’t seem to capture here.
Cliff and I resumed filling the last of the boxes. All that was left was dishware; everything else was wrapped, sealed and sitting by the front door for Cliff to carry outside.
“I can’t believe she’s actually leaving,” he said, staring at his own warped reflection in the dish. “It’s going to be weird not having her around.”
“I know.”
There was a painful knot in my throat, and I was afraid talking to Cliff about how I felt would untangle it. I was fragile back then, more devastated by Jamie’s departure than I was willing to admit.
“Maybe we could save enough money to visit her,” Cliff said. He put down the plate and walked closer to me.
“I’ve never even left the state.”
“Yeah, well, I haven’t either. All the more reason to plan a trip.”
“We need to save as much money as we can. Now that Jamie’s gone, there’s no guarantee we’ll keep our jobs at Buster’s. The new manager might—”
“Stop worrying,” he assured me, pulling me closer to him. “Buster’s is still owned by Jamie’s family. She’ll look after us. Like she always has.”
As I stood there, worrying, grieving, I knew he was right. I’d been so used to life going wrong. To having to struggle to make it to the end of the month. I’d focused on survival, not splendor. Cliff had grown up the same way, and yet, recent months had changed him.
“A trip would be nice. I’ve always wanted to visit the city. Go to all the landmarks. Maybe watch a play.”
“We’ll do all of it,” he said, that glimmer back in his eyes. “Maybe we’ll love it so much we’ll stay there. Find jobs and a place of our own.”
“That’s ambitious.”
“Yeah, but we could work for it. No harm in dreaming.” He carried three boxes to the front door and set them on the floor. When he stood upright, he gave the room a double take, before looking at me. “What do you think of this place?”
“I’ve always loved it,” I said.
Jamie’s apartment was spacious (she was the only person I ever knew who had a two-bedroom loft) and had a security code at the front gate. We’d spent countless nights in this very room. Watching MTV and sports finals. Celebrating New Year’s Eve and Halloween.
“I wonder if they’ve found a new tenant,” he said. He lifted his head, and his eyes looked hopeful. “Maybe it could be us.”
“Do you have any idea how much a place like this costs?”
“It can’t be more than your rent and mine combined. If we’re both living here, we could swing it. I’ll pick up another part-time job if I have to.”
“You think we’re ready for that?”
“We have to be. We’re throwing money away on two apartments, especially when we spend every night together. Besides, in time we’ll be thankful for the extra space.”
In time. One day. All these phrases served as confirmation Cliff wanted a future with me. He wanted to build a better one together. I’d never had
