Hallow recounted everything, from the moment she and Josephine walked to the door into the Oak Room down to when Josephine thought it was best to leave after Hallow’s meltdown from the fire.
“And so Josephine still thinks you’re gonna go through with it?”
Hallow shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. We haven’t spoken since last night.”
“Girl. Shit.”
Hallow did a double take at Helena and asked, “Can I ask you something?”
“Go ’head.”
“Last night, I told her that I don’t know if she really wants to protect me as her kid, and she compared herself to Iris. Now, I know you and Iris don’t have the best relationship, but do you know what she meant by that?”
“No. Why did you ask?”
“Never mind.”
“No, tell me.”
“It’s not important.”
“Obviously it is, since you brought it up!”
“Did Iris have something to do with your accident and the reason why you stayed away from home for so long?”
Helena began to slowly back up toward the wall. “Hallow . . .” She rubbed the back of her neck and looked at the tile floor.
“Is that why you two never had that good of a relationship when we were growing up?”
“No. I just—I lost her and I fell and—no. No, she didn’t do that. No.”
“But after the accident happened, was she there with you or was she—”
“Dammit, Hallow!” Helena yelled. While caressing her wrists, Helena continued, “You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know what it’s like to look everywhere and see all these kids with their moms and you can’t find your own and you scream and cry out for her and before you know it you have teeth in your back and you think you’re gonna die because there’s no one else around to make it stop.”
Hallow took a step closer, but Helena shook her head. “I’m trying to move forward. I’ve been trying to move forward for damn near twenty years now. I been trying to heal on my own, so why are you bringing up the past to stop me from that healing?”
“I’m sorry. I am.”
Helena sniffled. “Just change the subject. Please. I didn’t come over here for that.”
“Well, there is one more thing.” Hallow lowered her voice. “I saw someone at the party who . . . I . . .” Hallow raised her hands to the sides of her head. “I can’t explain it. She—she looked just like me. I mean, I know I was drunk. I know. But I wasn’t completely out of my mind. She was real. And she looked like me but an older version of me, and I feel like she could be my—”
“Hallow.” Helena scoffed. “You didn’t see anyone. Absinthe can do that to you from time to time, trust me.”
“You’re lying.”
“No, I’m not. One of the ingredients in absinthe—wormwood? That shit will make you hallucinate.”
“It will?” Hallow frowned.
“Yeah. Maman used to keep absinthe in her nightstand. That with the weed would have her all kinds of fucked up. I don’t think you saw what you think you saw.” Helena touched Hallow’s shoulder and gently shook her. Discouraged from believing she’d found a real family member, it was now Hallow who crumbled under the weight of Helena’s touch. She was offended by how quickly Helena discounted what her cousin saw when she wasn’t at the party. But what else could she do? Hallow thought. Absinthe was her first drink, and because she had no other point of reference and Helena was of age, she said nothing else.
Helena kissed Hallow’s forehead and said her goodbye with a smile on her face that disappeared once she walked out. She lied about wormwood being strong enough to cause hallucinations. She only told Hallow that because she carried an anger that she could not place. Returning to the family business in some kind of assistant role was not what Helena wanted. She loved being free, but Hallow bringing up Iris and the accident angered her to where she wanted to take the wind out of her sails too. Back on the subway downtown to her apartment, she couldn’t help but wonder if what Hallow said was true, that she had seen a woman who looked like her, and if she had, could that woman have been Hallow’s mother?
When Helena left, Hallow started to feel remorseful over the Epelbaums. They were a lifeline, and she shouldn’t have said no without having a backup plan. There she was, jumping the gun before having all matters in place so that she could forge her independence and do whatever she wanted to do outside of the home, in the belly of Harlem. Maybe, Hallow thought, she should’ve gotten close to the Epelbaums to have a greater chance of being in another space where she could possibly see that woman again—if she were real.
Hallow wanted guidance on how to make amends with the Epelbaums and knocked on Maman’s bedroom door, which was left unlocked, so she pushed it open. She expected to see Maman reading yesterday’s paper or some fashion magazine, or scribbling away at her desk, but she was uncharacteristically sprawled out in her bed, facing the wall. The clawlike cracks on those walls stretched farther toward the center, and they appeared like they were cradling Maman in their hands. Hallow took one step back, and a bead of water dropped on her forehead. She tried to ignore it until another bead fell, and then another. There were tentacles stretching from corner to corner. The vertices of the walls were discolored and blotchy. The longer Hallow stayed at the threshold, the further a faint mildew smell crept out from the corners. And there Maman lay, her body rising and falling, inhaling the fumes and breathing out into Scuff, which seemed to pulsate, enlarge, and recoil in synchronicity with her breathing.
If Hallow were not overcome with shock, she would have asked Maman how long it had been. When did she first notice the scuffs? Why didn’t she say anything? She had briefly forgotten
