The good news is none of the dramatic twists and turns of the past few years have come as a surprise to my
Creator. He knows He created a strong-willed and hardheaded little girl who is determined to do things her way and at her own her pace.
The only problem with my Father being a gentleman is that He would never do anything against my will. He will warn. He will suggest, but ultimately it is up to me hear and heed His appeals.
I am swimming in a pool of disappointment. There, I said it. It’s out there for all the world to see. I am not happy with my current state of affairs. I recently celebrated my 44th birthday and my life is nowhere near where I want it to be. My husband and I have been separated for over a year now and my financial condition is a mirror image of my ill-fated marriage—a hot, stinking mess!
I am sitting here at my kitchen table asking myself for the umpteenth time, “Girl, how did you get here?” The truth of the matter is this story started long before March 4, 2003, which is the day I married my husband.
My current state of affairs is the result of my propensity to bury my head in the sand and not take things at face value. I have the uncanny ability to rationalize and justify what I see instead of looking at what is in front of me and accepting it for what it is.
The problem is I love potential. I can find potential in almost anything. I believe that this is a gift given to many of us in the profession of teaching. We have to look some pretty dire circumstances in the face and work to find the good in all of it. Otherwise, the job would be unbearable.
So when I met my husband, I was a natural at overlooking his flaws. All I could see was a sensitive, spiritual being that I found easy to talk to.
Fast forward fourteen years. Everything that those closest to me saw in him—the very things I chose to overlook—became issues that were so insufferable that I chose to end our marriage. (You are receiving the condensed version because it is not my intention to disparage my estranged husband in any way.)
My mom has a habit of belching obnoxiously. Once she lets one of these babies loose, she exclaims, “More room out than in!”
This is my obnoxious belch. I am writing to release the resultant fears, insecurities, and doubts that have manifested from this process.
The purpose of this reflection is to purge my soul of anything that could hinder my journey any further and to describe how this experience has been the catalyst to a soul-searching and life-altering journey. Writing has simply become my catharsis [release].
My Story
Wrestling with God Genesis 32:22-31, NKJV
And he arose that night and took his two wives, his two female servants, and his eleven sons, and crossed over the ford of Jabbok. He took them, sent them over the brook, and sent over what he had. Then Jacob was left alone; and a Man wrestled with him until the breaking of day. Now when He saw that He did not prevail against him, He touched the socket of his hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was out of joint as He wrestled with him. And He said, “Let Me go, for the day breaks.”
But he said, “I will not let You go unless You bless me!” So
He said to him, “What is your name?”
He said, “Jacob.”
And He said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel; for you have struggled with God and with men, and have prevailed.”
Then Jacob asked, saying, “Tell me Your name, I pray.”
And He said, “Why is it that you ask about My name?” And He blessed him there.
So Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: “For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.” Just as he crossed over Penuel the sun rose on him, and he limped on his hip.
I love the story of Jacob. There are details of Jacob’s life that could read like a script from my own.
Jacob was a man who wanted what he wanted and was willing to work for many years to get it. Although some of his choices led to quite a few missteps, God still blessed him. His life was only transformed after he had the epiphany that he was living beneath his privilege.
The scary part was that in order for his life to progress, he had to come face to face with his past. This thought terrified him. In Jacob’s case, he had to confront a brother that he had done horribly wrong, and he was fearful of how he would be received. In my case, I had to confront the insecure little girl within that had managed to settle for far less than she deserved or even desired. I had to confront and quiet the little one inside that was clamoring louder than the mature, spirit-led woman I aspired to be.
Like Jacob, this thought petrified me. It meant I had to face issues that I honestly thought had been dealt with and laid to rest. It meant delving into a mire of abandonment issues and rejection. It meant owning up to the bitterness and unforgiveness that I had allowed to reside in my heart for too long.
It required that I critically inspect the “why” for the decisions that led to my current situation. Both Jacob and I had come to the emotional and spiritual precipice that only God could carry us over. I found myself in a place of desperation and isolation. Regardless of the support that I
