“Hi I’m Barton I’m your excise liaison for the Platinum Traveler Global Program how can I help you today?”
“Hi Barton my name is Jack Price I possess the quality of jetness I wish to land in Switzerland with my jet here is money.”
“Yes Mr. Price one thing I see on the manifest here we have items seven and twenty-two and I wonder if maybe you are doing a little joshing.”
“There is no josh Barton.”
“Thing is sir those are what we call red-ticket items sir they’re kinda not okay.”
“Well let’s take them one by one Barton and see what we can do.”
“Well okay Mr. Price so item seven is a human head on a stick?”
“It is completely okay really.”
“It is sir?”
“Yes Barton it is that would be Fred. He is a really interesting piece by the artist Banjo Telemark which I’m proud to own. We’ve got him in Perspex here and he’s all cased up for transport but he comes with me everywhere you see like a kind of personal good-luck piece.”
“I don’t know of Mr. Telemark sir.”
“No he is a very exclusive sort of artist Barton like a kind of secret brand for the haute concept set is what. It’s like you know the Turner Prize in London where they give money to some really fucked-up piece like a cow cut in half right?”
“I do sir yes I guess.”
“Well Banjo Telemark pisses on the Turner Prize Barton. He would not accept the Turner Prize if they offered it to him because it is selling out. Banjo is like the unknown god of art in the twenty-first century and he is completely uncompromising. He does not explain or mediate his work and he does not supply provenances for his items so I have no paperwork on Fred.”
“That’s kinda your problem right there sir.”
“I am very rich Barton.”
“Yes sir.”
“I am super-giant-fucking-jet rich. My friends here are also individually super-giant-jet-rich this means that we are like exponentially rich although mathematically that is not true of course but functionally in the real universe and world it is true. We are singularity rich if you like, Barton do you know what that means?”
“Yes sir.”
“If I wanted paperwork for Fred I could have someone make it for me. I could procure it illegitimately. But I don’t because respect Barton I respect the law and I respect Banjo Telemark’s art and part of that art is the creation of concern, watchfulness and uncertainty Barton. He wants you to have this experience. He wants me to have this experience. When I bought Fred it was part of the conditions of sale that I would take him with me on cross-border travel. This, what is happening right now between us, this is Banjo’s art. Not the head. The head is the pretext for the creation of spontaneous situational ambiguity, Barton. Do you see?”
“Uh—”
“He’s heavily influenced by Warhol.”
“Oh is he?”
“Yes.”
“Uh, okay, I guess, I’ll talk to the guys about that and see what we can do there sir but we really do have to discuss item twenty-two.”
“It seems entirely self-explanatory to me Barton.”
“Item twenty-two is an adult male human in a box sir.”
“Alive, Barton.”
“Yes sir I noticed that.”
“That’s Sean, Barton.”
“Okay.”
“This is a friend of mine. He accompanies me wherever I go.”
“Sir.”
“He never leaves that box. Hi in there!”
“Gnar-fnarr-gnabbit-fnee!”
“He wears a gag Barton so he can’t really communicate. But look at his eyes. What do they express to you?”
“I think he’s real unhappy sir.”
“Yes yes he is. More than anything else he wants you to notice him. He’s a narcissist but that’s not why he wants you to notice him. He wants you to notice him because every time we enter a new country he thinks maybe he will have a chance at escaping from that box. Do you know who my friend there is Barton?”
“No sir—wait is it Banjo Telemark? Like himself in person? Is this more of his art sir? Or are you—wait that’s it, isn’t it, you’re Banjo Telemark? This is all a whole thing that you’re doing.”
“…Wow.”
“That’s right isn’t it sir and I’m going to be part of your next show like Amazed Man or something and there’ll be a picture and so on?”
“Holy shit Barton.”
“Sir?”
“No, Barton, but that is a totally awesome idea you have there and I really have to commend your creativity. I was gonna go with some other crap I have been working on but—wow dude that is just golden. Doc did you hear this guy?”
“Yes Price it is a terrible idea.”
“No man no it’s like—no it’s perfect is what it is I love it.”
“No.”
“Yes Doc yes. There is an actual art fair where we are going and it is like tomorrow and it is perfect everything is perfect.”
“Banjo Telemark. I think I have died.”
“No Doc it will be amazing. Okay. Barton?”
“Yes sir?”
“Barton look I’m gonna level with you because we should be friends after that—like—that absolutely astounding thing that just fell out of your face like fucking Pallas Athena into the—never mind that now here’s what it is. You see that fucker over there with the Russian-looking smile and the pool cue?”
“Yes sir I see the gentleman but he is not smiling.”
“Oh yes Barton yes he is. He is a smiling-on-the-inside person Barton.”
“Uh okay sir.”
“That is Volodya the sniper. He is a total international bastard. He’s wanted in so many places we don’t even bother to check anymore. I
