[Cheri gets in Maya’s face.]
CHERI
You pulled her weave! You know it, Andy knows it, and the weave knows it! You’re garbage. Garbage.
MAYA
That’s it.
[Maya storms out. Rachel gets up to console Cheri and Kristen.]
ANDY
Maya? Maya? (To an imaginary producer) Is she coming back?
RACHEL (à la Caroline Manzo)
You’re just giving her what she wants. You just gave her what she wanted. She’s not worth it. Look at me, Kristen. Look at me. Remember, we’re fambily. Fambily. Look at me. Fambily.
[Cut to: Maya backstage being hugged by her hairdresser and makeup guy (James and Eric). She has more makeup applied with an airbrush.]
ANDY
Rachel, you were really the peacemaker there.
RACHEL
Well, you know, Andy, we on SNL are one big happy fambily, and when you mess with my fambily, you mess with me. Don’t mess with my fambily. Period. You mess with my fambily? You lose.
ANDY
Molly Shannon. What’s been happening with you?
MOLLY
Well, Andy, I’ve been so busy traveling all over the country promoting my cookbooks, as you know. My low-fat cupcake cookbook, and low-fat medications, and also my book of low-fat cocktail recipes.
ANDY
And you invented your own signature cocktail, right?
MOLLY
Yes, I invented my own signature cocktail. It’s vodka, a little bit of shaved ginger, and then a different kind of vodka. It’s called the Molly, and it’s not just a drink, it’s a lifestyle.
ANDY
Great. I know Cheri had a bunch backstage. Good, Cheri?
CHERI (drunk)
Oh god yes! They were so freaking delicious that I lost my purse!
KRISTEN
So loud.
ANDY
Now Ana, you’ve been very busy.
ANA
Yes. I’ve been working very hard on my skin care line. It’s called “About Face,” and three percent of the profits go to my charity, which does provide books to women at the beach on vacation, so I’m very proud. It’s a great skin care line and it’s made with an array of really great spermials.
KRISTEN
That must have been easy for you to get.
ANDY
Wait—what, Kristen?
KRISTEN
I just said it must have been easy for Ana to get spermials.
[Ana and Kristen fume at each other.]
ANDY
Now Tina, what’s been happening with you?
TINA
Amazing, I’m doing amazing. My dance single is dropping in December 2014.
ANDY
I understand you cut a record with …
TINA
Bruce Willis’s music producer. It’s amazing. We share the same car dealer. It’s called “I Wanna Spend Some Time Witcha.”
ANDY
Can you give us a little taste?
TINA
No, Andy, stop! You’re putting me on the spot!
[She immediately goes into the song, to camera. She is singing with a track.]
TINA (singing):
Put down your keys baby
Stop looking at your mail
Cuz cuz cuz baybeee
I wanna spend some time witcha
[Maya comes strolling back out and pointedly stalls herself in front of Tina for a beat or two. Track keeps going a sec, as Tina sits down, annoyed.]
ANDY
Oh good. Have a seat, Maya. We’re glad you’re back.
MAYA
Are we?
[Maya holds up her hand and does a pulling motion.]
KRISTEN
Hey! Did you see that, Andy? Did you see that? She’s pretending to pull my weave! That is proof!
MAYA
You’re insane.
[Maya and Kristen glare at each other.]
ANDY
Maya, why did you come back out?
MAYA
It’s boring back there, plus I wanted to ask Kristen a question.
ANDY
Okay, Maya. Go ahead.
MAYA (softly)
Why did you choke my dog?
KRISTEN
What?
MAYA
Why did you choke my dog?
KRISTEN
I didn’t choke your dog! I was hugging your dog and he wiggled and got tangled up in his halter top!
MAYA
She choked my dog till he passed out, y’all!
[Cut to: Ladies’ reactions. Cheri loses it.]
CHERI
You pulled her dog’s weave! You know it, the dog knows it, and everyone that was at that dog’s birthday party knows it!
[All of them ridiculously arguing.]
ANDY
You know what? I think now would be a good time to throw to Amy and Julia and Laraine in Los Angeles. Hi, ladies!
[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine. They sip glasses of champagne.]
AMY AND JULIA AND LARAINE
Hi!
[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set.]
ANDY
It’s so good to see you! Tell me what you ladies have been up to.
[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine.]
AMY
Well, as you know, we couldn’t be there today because you all have a restraining order against us.
[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set: The ladies all wave.]
ANDY
You ladies do look great! LA is really working for you.
[Cut to: Amy and Julia and Laraine.]
JULIA
Well, Andy, we’ve been all over Southern California promoting our jewelry line of eco-friendly clip-on earrings, because we’re all so environmentally conscious. And of course our sex tapes.
AMY
Yes, it’s been so fun promoting our sex tapes. I have two sex tapes.
JULIA
And I have one sex tape, but I’m currently working on another. So two sex tapes.
LARAINE
Yes, and I told them in no uncertain terms that they’re not to make sex tapes on my property.
AMY
Too late.
JULIA
Way too late. Can I just say something, Andy? Whatever we did to you guys, it was so not intentional.
[Cut to: Int. Real Housewives of SNL set.]
ANDY
You hit us with your limo.
NORA
On a closed course.
KRISTEN
Your limo ran over my weave.
[The ladies are all getting teary.]
RACHEL
We have to get past this! We are a fambily. And we will always be a fambily. It’s time to make amends.
ANDY
Don’t you think part of all this is about being funny people? To be funny, don’t you have to be a little bit crazy?
[They all turn on Andy. Rachel stands. Andy stands. Rachel pushes Andy. Several of the ladies go over and turn over a table. Several more ladies storm off. Tina stands and begins to sing her song.]
TINA (singing):
I wanna spend some time witcha
I wanna spend some time witcha!
ANDY
Stay tuned! We’ll be right back!
OUT
SINGING MUNCHKINS
People sometimes ask me if my life is different now that I’m on TV. Here’s the extent to which things have changed: Sometimes I can get into a great restaurant, sometimes people want to have their picture taken with me, and sometimes people come up to me and say something that they perhaps intend to be nice or funny, but that leaves me feeling … sweetly bludgeoned. Something like: “You are cuter than I thought you would be!” Or, “The Housewives are the end of
