But as far as compliments, that’s where they stopped. The consequences of dating me were harsh, some of them downright mean, and they sliced through me with each word I read.
Not the cutest.
Doesn’t fit in with the popular crowd.
Could hold me back from dating someone prettier.
Cares too much about school, not enough about partying.
Can be rude, stuck up.
Homebody.
His reasons were all superficial, all about status or appearance. That’s what killed me the most. Because this person who I thought always had my back, who loved me no matter what way it was in, thought about me just like everyone else did. As the designated quirky girl, the one who was decently attractive but never going to be prom queen. I was on the outskirts of the popular crowd, and given his rising star status, Sawyer dating me would be a gamble. A risk.
So he was choosing not to go there, or so I assumed, because I couldn’t bring him recognition and golden couple vibes. All along, I’d thought our bond was deeper than that.
It stung like a bitch to discover that he was just as shallow as everyone else.
“Oh my God, how awkward!” Hailey, one of the most popular girl’s in our grade, cackled like a witch.
Next to me, my female best friend, Laura, snorts. “You two can’t kiss, it would be weird.”
“Rules are rules, dude. You have to go into the closet.” Glavin, Sawyer’s best friend and soccer teammate, points to Laura’s grungy basement closet.
The thing looks like something out of the seventies, with wood-paneling and slatted sliding doors. Multiple couples have already gone in there, coming out to whoops and cheers, but who knows if any of them actually kissed or went further than that.
“No.” I try to laugh, but the sound comes out choked.
Not only do I not want to go in there like this, with my emotions so screwed up from finding that list. But I don’t want our possible first kiss to be in a room full of these people. I’d always envisioned that this moment would be special, if it were to ever happen.
“Oh come on, Oden, I promise I don’t bite.” Sawyer’s eyes are full of jokes.
Of course, as he holds out his hand to help me up and lead me to the closet, Sawyer is none the wiser to what I found in his bedroom. He thinks this is funny, that we’re going in on this practical joke together. He probably thinks we’ll put on a show for them, or just bullshit about the scary movie marathon we had the other night.
But my feelings are crushed, my heart trampled in the stampede of his judgments and criticisms.
With leaden feet, I walk to the closet, feeling the walls going up around the organ in my chest.
He steps in behind me, encasing us in darkness.
“This is dumb,” I say, but my voice sounds strange.
“Of course, it would land on me. But hey, at least you’re not in here with Glavin,” he jokes.
I shrug my shoulders, trying to come off nonchalant and thanking God that it’s dark in here. I’ve been sitting on this information for too long, and maybe I should have said something when I found it. We could have fought or screamed at each other. Now I feel like I’m facing a complete stranger.
“So, should we do this?” Sawyer’s tongue darts out to lick his bottom lip, and I swear I almost cave.
There is something so sexy about that tiny action, and I nearly break and say yes. But pride, and self-preservation, act for me. When he begins to lean in, both of us holding our breath, I push my hand to his chest.
“In your dreams,” I try to joke, but it comes off cold.
I can see his green emeralds through the darkness, that’s how close they are, and the expression there is confusion. Because he doesn’t know that I know. And he was just about to test a theory, not fulfill a long-standing crush. That’s what guts me. I’m just a science experiment to him, something not fully worth pursuing but not giving up on either. Given the choice, I’d pick him every time. I’d have given anything for this to be real.
I just feel like crawling into my bed and crying into my pillowcase.
“You okay, B?” He uses the initial nickname he gave me when we were five.
There is no way I can answer that without breaking down in tears. And the only thing worse than walking out of this closet blushing would be walking out of it crying. So I push the doors open and exit.
Everyone wolf whistles and jeers
“He kisses like a frog prince … and that breath.” I wave my hand in front of my nose.
My eyes slide to Sawyer, who stands next to me, and I see the hurt flit over his face. Right before it’s replaced with anger. But I keep going, because I need to protect myself. I need to hurt him before he hurts me worse. As it is, I don’t think I’ll ever fully recover from the daggers he secretly threw my way.
“Believe me, girls, you do not want to go there. The saliva I was choking on.” I cackle evilly, and inside another piece of my heart breaks.
“What the fuck?” Sawyer looks at me, his eyebrows slashed together in angry dashes.
“Oh shit, well, I thought it would be more impressive than that.” Hailey gives Sawyer a once-over.
My best friend turns to me, fury and hurt colliding as his gaze burns me.
By the time sophomore year started two weeks later, our relationship was gone.
All love lost.
Nothing but animosity, revenge, and bitterness.
That was how Sawyer Roarke became my ex-best friend. And made my life a living hell as my sworn enemy.
1 Sawyer
It feels like I’ve been waiting forever to pull into this parking spot, one of the prime locations in the senior lot at the high school.
My chest swells as I swing my red Jeep Wrangler in between the lines,
