Ten minutes ago, the future was bright. Now, it seems we are back in the darkness that ruled over us for years.
37
Blair
Once Mallory texted me about what the entire Brockden letter contained, it made sense why Sawyer hung up on me.
Three hours after he abruptly shut down our phone call, I got in touch with his mother. He got into the university we both want to go to, but was wait-listed for the architecture program. For now, he’ll be admitted as a general studies student, and can work his way into the architecture program through grades, or if a spot opens up. It’s not the end of the world, most likely he’ll be accepted before freshman year even starts as the refusals roll in. But I know that for Sawyer, this is everything he feared.
I don’t even knock as I enter the Roarke home. Mallory pokes her head around the corner to see me coming through the front door and nods sagely toward the stairs to indicate where Sawyer is.
Taking them two at a time, I find the boy I’ve always loved in his room, face down on his bed. There is no way he doesn’t hear me enter, since his door is as creaky as a rusty swing at a playground, but he doesn’t flip over.
Gingerly, I walk to his bed and sit beside him, then put my hand on his lower back and begin to rub in soothing circles.
“Sawyer …” I don’t really know how to start.
There is nothing I can say that will make this better, and I don’t want to dole out tough love in this moment. Even though I know him as deeply as I know myself, this is uncharted territory. Sawyer is the town golden boy, by all standards, and he’s never really failed at … well, anything. There isn’t necessarily a reason he didn’t get in either; it’s not like he didn’t work hard for it, or he is unqualified for the program. Realistically, he was just outdone by another student and there were a ton of applicants to the architecture major.
But to Sawyer, this is a devastating blow. He’ll be looking for some way that he didn’t measure up. He already compares himself to his father and takes shit from his friends about settling for the family business. This will just be one more weight he adds upon his shoulders.
“Guess we both got in, huh?” Instead of sounding happy, my boyfriend sounds like someone just stuck a knife through his favorite soccer ball.
I try to infuse a note of cheeriness in my voice, but I’m pretty sure it comes off sounding super fake. “Yes! That’s it, look at the bright side of all this.”
He still won’t even look at me, so I’m not sure how I’m going to get him to look on the bright side. When he doesn’t respond for a few awkward minutes, I try a different tactic.
“Sawyer, this is good news. We’re going to be able to stay together, we won’t have to do long distance. This will all get worked out, you’ll get in to the program. But Brockden is a great choice either way, and we have so much to look forward to.”
“Right. What’s a dream when you can spend your college years with a ball and chain.” The words are knives and cut just as sharp at my heart.
I physically recoil, because this is not the boy who has held me so tenderly over the last six months. This is not the boy who stood on a table and publicly declared his love for me.
“Don’t talk to me like that,” I warn him, because we’re dangerously close to a point where either of us could say something we can’t take back.
“You don’t understand. Just … go, Blair.” He turns over, and the pouting is real.
Part of me wants to roll my eyes, and part of me feels genuinely crushed. We’ve been so good together, putting our past behind us and listening to one another. Even though there are arguments that could have been had, we avoided them or communicated. We’re in love and heading into our future together should be cause for celebration.
But this guy, the one sulking away from me, feels like the Sawyer of yesteryear. The one who shut himself off from me, who went out of his way to be cold.
So I have two choices: leave with my bruised heart and ego, just like I did when I found that pros and cons list once upon a time. Or I can stay and fight for us.
For a split second, I consider letting my insecurities and the pain that used to rule my actions control me. Leaving would be the easier choice, in some ways. I wouldn’t have to hear the acid dripping from his tongue. I wouldn’t have to be the strong one, the one who weathers the storm of his mood and takes the high road even when he tries to throw every iota of hurt at me. I wouldn’t have flashbacks to a time where he made me feel less than.
But if I leave, then I lose the boy I love. The person who knows me best in this world, the guy who always was and has become my everything again. I can’t walk away, because I’d just be breaking my own heart.
So he can try his damnedest, but I’m not going anywhere. Mentally, I buckle down.
I lie down, fitting my body around his as if I’m protecting him from anything coming for us. He doesn’t take the hand I wrap around his waist, but he doesn’t shrug away from me. Progress.
“Sawyer, whatever happens, we’re going to get through it together. We both wasted so much time, we let way too much hate invade our hearts. I know this is a blow, I know you’re upset, but don’t push me away. We’re going to figure this out, and I’m doing it by your
