“Now you try feeling me. Remembering there was a time when I loved you and you loved me, let’s take the race card off the table and level down the playing field and turn the scoreboard back. It’s zero to zero, Cell. Now let’s make it specific. Once upon a time I stole your line. Tonight I gave you seventeen-point-five to rectify. Now I want back what you stole from me.”
“That’s a good speech, Ran,” Cell said. “There’s some of it I agree with, and some I don’t. But if you want to make it personal, here goes. I loved Claire all those years—years before you even met. I joined the band because of her, and I never tried to get between you. Never. That’s why I left RHB—a fact that, despite all your fellow feeling, never dawned on you. Fuck ‘Talking in My Sleep.’ I didn’t give a shit about the song, and I don’t now. It was watching Claire throw herself at you and watching you hurt her, watching you mess up again and again and again, the same way every time, which is what you still don’t get. It’s what I object to in everything you said. See, Ran, black people will get over slavery when they decide it’s done, not you. The Jews will put the Holocaust behind them when they decide it’s time, not because you or anybody else is tired of listening to them kvetch. This is like a central thread that runs through all you say. You somehow think it’s about you and should be subject to your will and your decision. But it’s not. The same is true with Claire. You had nineteen years to get it right, and whatever the statute of limitations is for me, for her it’s finally run out. See, Ran, her heart and her affections belong to Claire and Claire alone—not you, not me. So, even if I thought you deserved a second chance, or an eleventh, or a twenty-fifth, she’s not mine to give you back. Even if I wanted to, Ransom. And I don’t.”
Cell left his drink, sweating, where it was and walked out of the room, and Ransom sat there for some time, listening to laughter swell the sound track. He could no longer follow what was going on on-screen. But now his voice to me was like a stream scarce heard, nor word from word could I divide…. The lines ran through his head as the figures flitted past like ghosts.
Eventually, seeking deeper solace, he went to the stereo. Flipping through CDs, he knocked a stack of jewel cases to the floor. There on top was his most recent effort, A Stranger to Myself, already two years old. Cross-legged on the floor, he opened it and read the liner notes:
One day you hear a grinding in the works, a rent opens in the bedrock, you peer down, mesmerized, into the molten stuff. You laugh and scoop the magma up. Your hands don’t burn. You stomp in it like a bad child in a puddle in the rain; you wash your face with it and run your