I make a sound of agreement because I don’t know what else to do.
‘Take sensory deprivation, for example: that is about feeling held and contained. If your partner wants you to vacuum seal them, they are going to react differently to the process than if you just grabbed some man off the street and did it. The man off the street is going to be hysterical, he’s going to think you’re killing him and try to fight you, but someone who needs this, who needs to feel harnessed, protected, enveloped, will find a sense of ease in the process. You are enabling true surrender and you need to be able to handle that expertly.’ She tousles Steven’s hair roughly while stepping carefully on his little toe.
‘Oops,’ I say, seeing Steven’s face redden.
‘I take great care of Steven. It’s important to me that he is happy and that his body is healthy. I’ve put him on my private health cover and we regularly debrief and reset boundaries. I’m not relying on guesswork or assumptions. Steven is a fantastic communicator, and I am a fantastic listener. I care if he’s had enough water to drink, I care if he stays up too late. Lots of my contact with Steven is telling him what to do in order for him to be the best he can be as a human and as my sub.’
Her knowledge is impressive, but a lot of what she’s saying is going over my head, so instead I focus on her manner and movements, because my ability to mimic them is more developed than my short-term memory at this point in time.
Tanya gets Steven on all fours while she sits on his back, crossing her legs neatly and fanning her face with open palms. She tells me about a time when she was asked to wear a feather coat and eat a large quantity of foie gras so quickly that she threw up—much to her scene partner’s delight—and thus was able to empathise with the goose that had been force-fed to fatten its liver. ‘It was all very meta,’ she says, shaking her head and laughing, and I laugh too, both from nerves and from the desire to be liked by her.
She stands briefly and helps Steven to his feet before kicking him in the back of the knees so that he falls onto the floor again.
‘That’s how you get them down,’ she says.
‘Cool.’
‘Nothing will make a woman turn to this more than having children,’ she adds, while massaging the top of her neck. ‘Children constantly want to sit on you, to kiss you, to touch and manhandle you …’ She shudders. ‘So when you finally feel like fucking again, it has to look very different from the constant affection of motherhood. It has to look a little more savage. Who in their right mind would be able to bear their partner suckling at their swollen breasts like a poddy calf?’
My phone rings in my bag and she watches as I frantically lunge towards the door, scrambling for it.
‘Yes, yes, you’d better get that—you never know if it will be important or not.’ She brushes her hand through the air as if flicking me away.
I answer the phone in a harassed whisper.
‘Amelia, hon, it’s Judy.’ Her voice is full of care. ‘I’m just checking in on you.’
‘How did it go?’ I ask.
She breathes heavily into the receiver. ‘Very difficult.’ The way she says it makes me think that Vincent was trouble.
I feel the need to tell her everything that has happened so far, even about this training right now, but Tanya is pointedly checking the time in front of me.
‘I really want to talk, but now isn’t good. Can I call you back later?’
‘Of course. Any time. And just so you know, we all love and miss you here.’
I hang up, swallowing a few times. I cling to the melodic comfort of Judy’s voice in my head, mentally turning the volume up until we all love and miss you here is blaring in my ears like an air raid siren.
‘I’ll show you the rest of the clubhouse now,’ Tanya announces.
She leads me down the corridor, opening doors and declaring their purpose.
‘The slave chamber.’
‘The rope room.’
I notice how erect her posture is as she walks and how leaden my movements seem in comparison to hers. Hearing Judy’s familiar voice in this environment has thrown me.
‘The playroom for littles and their bigs.’ She points to the far side of the room. ‘There’s kinetic sand and some soft toys at the back.’
She closes the door and moves on to the next room, which is white and spacious.
‘Absolutely anything goes on in here, let me tell you.’
Judy was the one who had agreed that I should avoid the funeral. She was the one who had said this was a good idea. I’m doing the right thing, I assure myself. And like she said, they all love and miss me there.
Tanya opens the door to the last room, which has a central platform surrounded by chairs. ‘For humiliation,’ she says before slamming the door shut. She gestures down the hall to the few remaining doors. ‘And so on—you get the idea.’
As she walks me back to reception I suddenly remember Steven and look around for him. When did I last see him? In the aftercare room? Is he still on his knees?
Tanya links her arm through mine, clearly not bothered by Steven’s whereabouts.
‘Look, you probably know this already—one of the perks of your generation—but I should just remind you that the pain you cause or experience in here will never ease the pain you are going through out there. The same goes with pleasure. You’re looking in the wrong place if you are trying to escape from something. BDSM is a means of controlling our experience of the world. You dictate the terms. But if you’re after healing, that takes place up here.’ She taps her head. ‘Any questions?’
It seems
