“Won’t change anythin’,” he muttered.
Caitlin shrugged. “It’ll change how you see yourself.”
He stared at her, dubious, and it broke her heart.
“Remember when you told me about Atlanta? Remember how you said you were afraid of me seeing you as a monster?” She ran her thumb over the notches of his digits. “I see you, Jack. And there’s nothing monstrous about you.”
The ragged breath he let out hit her behind the ribs.
“I snapped his neck,” Booker said, voice graveled. “He was my friend… I served with him, and I—” He cut himself off. “He might’ve joined us. Might’ve decided t’come with us and I didn’t give him the chance. I took that from him.”
Caitlin bit her lip in thought.
“Maybe,” she said finally. “Maybe he would have. But he also might have turned on us. There’s no way to know. And you can’t spend your life wondering and hating yourself for doing what you had to.”
“I didn’t have t’kill him.”
“And I didn’t have to kill those two guys in the pharmacy,” she said. “But I did. It’s the reason I’m sitting here now, with you.” Pressing her thumbs into the backs of his hands, she said, “We made our choices, Jack. And they kept us alive. I’ll never be sorry about that, and you shouldn’t be either.”
She thought he would argue with her, or possibly agree, echoing his sentiments to her weeks ago about killing as many people as it took to come home.
Instead, Booker shifted his shoulders against the side of the bus and cleared his throat.
“Ferguson… He saved my life,” he said, barely above a whisper. “In Afghanistan, he… We were in a bad spot. Away from our vehicle and under fire. I’m on the com, tryna get us some help, and Ferguson he just taps me on the shoulder and yells, ‘I’ll cover you, gunny,’ and takes off. I thought the bastard was dead. I mean, that was a kamikaze dive if I ever saw one. But it worked. It gave us a chance to get outta there. And just when we were sure he was gone for, there he is, sauntering back up like he’d been resurrected.”
Caitlin studied Booker’s face, silent as he let the words spill out.
“It wasn’t the last time he saved my ass either.” Booker’s gaze dropped to the ground. “And in Atlanta… I told him. I told him I couldn’t do it. Couldn’t be apart of somethin’ that… Not again, not after…” He shook his head. “Ferguson said he’d come. He said he’d bail out with me, just to give him a day to get his shit but… I could hear it in his voice. Like how we all talked to guys in our platoon threatenin’ to put their service weapon in their mouths. He thought I was losing it. And maybe—yeah, maybe he woulda come with me, but I couldn’t wait. So, I ran. I ran and I left him behind and look what happened.”
“None of what Ferguson did afterwards was your fault, Booker.”
He scowled up at her. “You heard him, you heard what he said. I abandoned him. The man who saved my life. I left him in that zombie infested hell hole to fend for himself.”
Caitlin tightened her grip on his hands.
“Ferguson wasn’t some innocent civilian who needed protecting. He was a grown man who allowed himself to believe taking orders was more important than helping people. He might’ve saved your life, but that version of him was gone long before we broke into that Ark.”
Inhaling, Booker stared down at their hands clasped together.
“Maybe.” He nodded. “Maybe.”
“I love you, Jack. Please don’t lose yourself to this.”
For the first time since she’d knelt in front of him, he held her gaze for longer than a second.
Those brown eyes sure did carry a lot.
With a shaky breath, he nodded—hardly a move at all unless you were watching.
Whatever happened, Caitlin wouldn’t let him slip away.
She had the bullet wound scar to prove that.
* * * * * * *
Calling for everyone’s attention, Luna and Steve moved to stand in front of the large group of Rejects.
“Morning, everyone,” Luna greeted, smiling as she tucked her black curls behind her ears. “I know half of you already know the drill, but since the rest of you are new and still acclimating, we wanted to remind everyone of the rules of conduct. After that Steve is going to announce duty changes and shifts.”
Caitlin held Booker’s hand as they stayed back, keeping to the triangle of shadow one of the larger tents cast along the dry earth.
“Common sense is our rule of thumb,” Luna continued. “If it looks dangerous, it probably is. If you have a question, ask it. If you’re concerned about something or someone, come to us. We value honesty and transparency, so it doesn’t matter what you’ve done or what’s happened as long as you talk to us about it. Other ground rules: Buddy system on scouting trips and supply runs, or if you’re going further than a few yards away from camp. No violence against the living. We settle our disputes with words, not our weapons. Save the ammo and your strength for the rotters.”
Caitlin scanned the crowd, looking for any indication some of their new members would take issue with the rules.
Everyone seemed eager to comply.
“Other than that, be good to each other. We’ve survived hell. Let’s remember that takes its toll on us all, so try kindness first.”
Moving to the side, Luna offered for Steve to step up.
Giving a nod to everyone and a smile, he glanced down at the sheet of paper in his hands.
“Okay, we’ve got a few things that need to be taken care of. If you were on
