He was our pitcher, and a poor one at that.
I grabbed my bag and slammed my locker shut. Carson and Olly were on my tail as we headed out to the field. I didn’t know if they felt like they always had to be on high alert when I was around Lucas, but it probably wasn’t a bad idea.
Because no one else would be able to stop me if something happened between us again. I wasn’t even sure if they could. We stepped onto the grass and Carson looked behind us.
“I can’t believe that motherfucker had enough nerve to even speak to you.” Carson threw his hat on backward before grabbing his glove.
“He’s lucky we’re at school.” I shook out my hands to try to calm the rage that was still flowing inside of me before putting my glove on.
“He’s lucky we haven’t killed him.” Olly tossed his bag on the ground with more force than necessary. “I can’t wait until we graduate, and I never have to look at him again.”
“But I will.” I chuckled without humor and grabbed a ball. “You all know Vos is going to be up his daddy’s ass for as long as he can manage.”
“Fuck him.” Carson caught the ball and threw it back. “And fuck his daddy issues.”
“Speaking of daddy issues.” Olly finally grabbed his glove as Coach came on the field. “What happened with Josie?”
“Nothing.” I shrugged, but they both knew I was full of shit. That was the one thing about us. We had never been able to lie to one another. No matter how hard we tried.
“You’re so full of shit. She walked up to that locker this morning all goo-goo eyed, and you looked like you crushed her when you kissed Cami.”
I didn’t want to think about why my chest felt tight at his words. “I didn’t kiss Cami. Cami kissed me.”
“Either way.” Olly stretched his arms over his head and nodded to Coach as he passed. “The girl looked heartbroken. You already fuck her?”
“No.” I held the ball against my hip and looked at him. “You all would know if I fucked her.”
“You had to do something.” He shrugged. “That girl looked dickmatized.”
“Whatever.” I chuckled and threw the ball back to Carson.
“So, you’re not denying it.” Carson picked up right where Olly left off. The two of them weren’t going to drop this until I gave them something. I knew it, but I still didn’t want to tell them. For some reason, I wanted to keep everything about her to myself. “She’s definitely dickmatized.”
“My dick has not been in her.” I held my arms out. “Are you happy?”
“He said dick.” Olly was talking straight to Carson now. “So, he’s had other things in her.”
I rolled my eyes and was thankful when Coach called us all to the dirt.
They would know when I had been inside Josie Vos, truly inside her. But for now, I was giving her what she needed. I was taking from her what I desired.
I would be selfish with her until I earned her trust, then I would crush everything that ever existed between us. She would hate me, and I would live with that fact.
I could live with her hate far better than I could live with Frankie’s sadness.
But I knew how fucked up that was. I knew what I was doing wasn’t right. Lucas had done far worse than use Frankie, but the similarities in what I was doing to Josie made my chest feel like it was on fire.
Nothing about what I was doing was rational. I hadn’t been able to think clearly since I had found out what he did, and I didn’t have space for rational thinking right now.
If I did, if I let myself think about the choices I was making and repercussions I would have to face, I would cave.
If I thought too much about Josie, I would abandon my entire plan.
But I was already too far gone to change my mind.
I would deal with the consequences of every fucked-up decision I made.
Chapter Fifteen
Josie
I had been avoiding Beck since yesterday.
He had text me at the end of the day to see how the rest of my day went, but I didn’t respond. When he text me two more times later in the evening, I had turned my phone off.
I couldn’t focus with him. With his presence or his texts or the memories I kept playing over and over in my head.
“So you’re still mad at me?” Lucas jogged up beside me as the two of us headed into school. I overslept after tossing and turning most of the night, and I wasn’t in the mood to be late or to deal with Lucas.
“Well, you were a complete asshole.” I looked over at him. “Why are we having this conversation right now?”
“Because you’ve been ignoring me at home.”
He had a point. I had been. I had been ignoring everyone and everything.
I had no idea what to think or feel. I felt like I was constantly at war in my own head. My father and Lucas and even Lucas’s mother were now my family, whether I liked it or not. They were all I had, regardless of how much I hated it.
And Beck hated my family.
He hated them, and a part of me believed that he truly hated me as well. It didn’t matter that I felt more alive when I was with him than I had since my mother passed. He had been cruel and vindictive, and he had a girlfriend, and I had let myself feel more secure when I was with him than with anyone else.
But Beck saw me.
He saw me when everyone
