A sick sensation came over me when I reached my encounter with Ben in that room filled with the stench of terror and decay. Admitting I advocated for mercy when I asked Adelmo to turn my ex over to the authorities would disappoint her. I included it, anyway, hoping my role in taking Prez out would satisfy her. Granted, it wasn’t intentional, but it should still count.
When I concluded with the lightning bolt that destroyed the trailer with Ben in it, the room went silent.
“Somebody say something,” I begged. “I’m sorry, Mom. I should have been strong enough to tell Adelmo to pull the trigger, but—”
“Stop, Grace, please stop!” My mother held up a trembling hand. “I’m the one who’s sorry. When I first got the word about Stella, I lost it. And that thing with Justin, uh, well, that was crazy. Thank God, Mike understands me well enough to know I would never do something like that if I were in my right mind.”
I sputtered on a sip of lemon drop. She must not have told him about Uncle Roy. Or she didn’t think I remembered that night. Either way, now wasn’t a good time to bring up her past proclivity for murder.
“Mike knew from the beginning that lovely young man didn’t plan to kill Ben. He was only going along to protect you and to work with the police to get to the truth. But I should never have let you go.” Tears trickled down my mother’s cheek. Mike rushed to sit by her, his arm around her shoulders. The gesture made me think of Justin.
“It’s okay, Mom. Really, I’m fine. Everything turned out just fine.” Only it hadn’t. I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling I’d had since our flight departed. A brain glitch telling me I had left something important behind—something that explained Stella’s transformation.
“Please, honey. You’re not fine. A sensitive person like you can’t go through what you did, and it not affect you. Your sister was a different story. That’s why when she and Ben ran off, I wasn’t too upset.”
My fury and pain at her calm, resigned approach to my loss of the man I loved had consumed me. I assumed it was because of her unspoken preference for my sister, that she thought if Stella wanted him, why shouldn’t she have him?
“I don’t understand.”
“I know. And I should have said something. I should have spoken out as soon as you brought that monster home. I could tell he was trouble. But Gran and I agreed telling you how we felt would only make you more determined to have him.” She wiped at her eyes and patted me on the knee. “You’ve always been a bit of a hard head.”
I’d been hearing a lot along those lines lately.
“But I thought you wanted me to marry him, that he was the best thing that could have happened to me.”
“Well, I didn’t. I knew he was a man who’d take someone like you and crush your spirit. He would beat you down and make you feel you weren’t enough. So, when he and Stella ran off, this massive relief came over me. Your sister could give as good as she got. I almost felt sorry for the asshole when he married her. I was a horrible mother because I kept thinking at least it wasn’t Grace. And, God help me, I still am.” Her voice broke, and she leaned forward, holding her head in her hands.
Mike patted her back, reassuring her everything was all right. She jerked away from him.
“No, it’s not all right!”
Scarlett trembled and pressed her body into me.
“As soon as I got the news, one thought kept running through my mind: It could have been Grace. It could have been Grace. I would have given anything to have traded places with your sister. I’d give my life for either of you. But when I heard Stella was dead, my only comfort was it could have been Grace, and, thank you, Lord, it wasn’t.” She sank into the sofa.
I reminded myself to breathe as I processed my mother’s words. I had no strong memories of life before my sister, but I imagined I was the sun and Mom revolved around me. Once there were two of us, I was happy to move aside and let my sister take center stage. She was infinitely more suited for the spotlight. I assumed being the favorite child was part of the package for someone as special as Stella and accepted the role of second sister without realizing no one had offered it to me.
Watching my grief-stricken mother struggling with the additional burden of guilt for what she considered her role in Stella’s fate, I saw how fragile she was. I joined her on the sofa and held her. For that brief time, I was the parent, and she was the child.
“It’s okay,” I said, rocking her. “You didn’t love Stella less. You loved her differently. She would understand.” And the words weren’t just true for my mother. They were true for me.
I thought of Mom’s relationship with her sister and wondered if she had felt like the lesser of the two. Regardless, she didn’t falter when it came to defending Aunt Rita, where I argued against punishing Ben. But, if I were honest with myself, while I refused to give Adelmo my permission to kill Ben, his death didn’t bother me at all. It didn’t matter to me how he died, as long as he was gone. Maybe I was more my mother’s daughter than I wanted to admit.
Chapter 36
My mother’s confession exhausted her, and Mike half-carried her to her room. He and I agreed I would return tomorrow to discuss the details of Stella’s memorial service.
“Your mother loves you more than you can imagine, Grace. And she loved Stella, too,” he said as Scarlett and I were leaving.
I assured him I was aware, and I was telling the truth.
On
