Then I’m hit with anger at the thought of this being my life for so long and that he begrudges me the simplest requirements in life.
I spin around and look over at the thermostat. Stomping over, I turn the heat on. “It doesn’t matter now, does it?” I ask myself more than the girls.
We all get busy packing the rest of my things, just as Jessica’s phone rings and she puts the phone up to her face, grinning.
A lady’s voice comes over the phone. “He just said a word, he said momma!”
Jessica’s eyes flash beautifully. “How is Mommy’s baby?” she coos, and I hear a lot of baby talk over the phone.
She gets off of the phone and looks at me. “You have a baby?”
She smiles. “You have a grandchild.”
My whole body warms with joy. I am a grandmother. “That makes me so happy.” I close up my bag, fully packed.
“Ready?” Jessica asks, taking my bag from me.
She takes my hand and River takes the other, leading me out of the room.
In the living room, the guy with Jessica walks over. “Oh, this is Chase, Chase this is Bell,” she introduces us.
“It’s so nice to meet you. Thank you for taking care of my girl.” I smile at him softly. I know without a doubt that he loves my girl from the way he looks at her.
“Ready to go?”
I take a deep breath. “Yes, I’m more than ready to go.”
The front door slams open. I freeze in complete terror, knowing that Michael’s home and he’s going to witness my leaving. “Bitch, what did I say about turning the heat on!” he yells at the top of his lungs, slamming the door shut and facing all of us.
Chase and the other guys move in front of us, basically covering all of us with their bodies.
His eyes move to Jessica, then to River and then back to me. “What the fuck did you do, bitch?” he snarls, sending shivers up my spine and slinging his arm in my direction.
I’m sickened to even be in his presence. It takes everything in me not to scream for the girls to leave.
Jessica and River tighten their hold on my hands. “It’s okay, we will protect you. He can’t hurt you anymore,” Jessica whispers in my ear.
“Angel, why don’t you ladies go on out to the vehicle?” Chase asks and hands Jessica the key.
The guys surround us and lead us to the door while my husband screams, “Bitch, where the fuck are you going? Get back here!’
The door is slammed shut behind us and I get inside of the SUV. I look at the house, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I will never be back inside of that.
1 Bell
A few days later
The adjustment to my new life has been hard, but it’s been almost the easiest thing I have ever done.
I just slept and slept because I was so emotionally exhausted and for so many years I never fully rested.
Today I’m going to the doctor to do a full checkup. I haven’t been to a doctor since I got married, unless I was giving birth or close to death from being beaten.
But this is bliss. I never realized the pleasure in small things in life like simply being able to just eat in peace.
Michael monitored every single thing I ate because he didn’t want me to get fat.
And that’s not even counting the abuse I suffered at his hands. I can’t even think about it right now. I also know that I need to see a therapist, to work out the things that have been ingrained in my mind.
I gave up on the idea of love a long time ago. I was wary of Michael at first because I’ve seen what men are capable of first-hand.
But the more time I’ve been out of that life, the more I realize how weird my situation was. He threatened daily to tell the leaders in the church that I was supposedly misbehaving. I did attend the church with him, but I had to sit and be the dutiful wife. The ladies in the church were not allowed to converse with each other.
It was weird, the way we dressed and how we were supposed to act. Honestly, I think it was a cult. I was a part of a cult and I never even realized it until I got a taste of life.
We pull up in front of the doctor’s office and I squash the nerves, because in the end there’s nothing in this world that can be worse than what I have suffered.
It’s a blur as I’m checked in and taken straight back to a room, where my blood is drawn and I’m ordered to pee into a cup. Then I change into a gown.
“When was the last time you were examined?” the doctor asks.
“When I gave birth to River,” I confess, I squeeze my girl’s hand, gathering my courage. “I feel like I need to tell you, I’ve been sexually assaulted regularly by my husband since I was fourteen years old. Well, up until a few days ago.”
It’s like a huge burden has been lifted off. I feel like I needed to speak those words out loud. I don't want it to be this huge secret.
“I’m not going to be ashamed of what happened. I will not let myself feel bad for any of it. It was not my fault. I was forced into that life. It’s time for me to be happy and feel good about myself.”
I’m not sure where this strength has come from, but I’m thrilled. I’ve gotten a part of myself back, one I thought I lost a long time ago.
I’m settled into the bed and I immediately go back into my safe place, the place that has managed
