Why do we do this to ourselves? I'm not talking strictly about dieting; I'm talking about life. Why do we punish ourselves by thinking that we're inferior while believing that others are perfect—whether in relationships, recovery, or a specific task?
Whether we're judging ourselves or others, it's two sides of the same coin: perfection. Neither expectation is valid.
It is far more accurate and beneficial to tell ourselves that who we are is okay and what we are doing is good enough. That doesn't mean we won't make mistakes that need correcting; doesn't mean we won't get off track from time to time; doesn't mean we can't improve. It means with all our Page 54
mistakes and wandering, we're basically on course. Encouraging and approving of ourselves is how we help ourselves stay on track.
Today, I will love and encourage myself. I will tell myself that what I'm doing is good enough, and I'll let myself enjoy that feeling.
February 26
Twelve Step Programs
I was furious when I found myself at my first AlAnon meeting. It seemed so unfair that he had the problem and I had to go to a meeting. But by that time, I had nowhere left in theworld to go with my pain. Now, I'm grateful for AlAnon and my codependency recovery. AlAnon keeps me on track; recovery has given me a life.
—Anonymous
There are many Twelve Step programs for codependents: AlAnon, Adult Children of Alcoholics, CoDa, Families Anonymous, NarAnon, and more. We have many choices about which kind of group is right for us and which particular group in that category meets our needs. Twelve Step groups for codependents are free, anonymous, and available in most communities. If there is not one that is right for us, we can start one.
Twelve Step groups for codependents are not about how we can help the other person; they're about how we can help ourselves grow and change. They can help us accept and deal with the ways codependency has affected us. They can help us get on track and stay there.
There is magic in Twelve Step programs. There is healing power in connecting with other recovering people. We access this healing power by working the Steps and by allowing them to work on us. The Twelve Steps are a formula for healing.
Page 55
How long do we have to go to meetings? We go until we ''get the program.'' We go until the program "gets us." Then we keep on going—and growing.
Selecting a group and then attending regularly are important ways we can begin and continue to take care of ourselves. Actively participating in our recovery program by working the Steps is another.
I will be open to the healing power available to me from the Twelve Steps and a recovery program.
February 27
PeoplePleasers
Have you ever been around peoplepleasers? They tend to be displeasing. Being around someone who is turned inside out to please another is often irritating and anxietyproducing.
Peoplepleasing is a behavior we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. We may not have been given permission to please ourselves, to trust ourselves, and to choose a course of action that demonstrated selftrust.
Peoplepleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mileaminute when what we are really saying is, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life making important decisions based on pleasing others.
Taking other people's wants and needs into consideration is an important part of our relationships. We have responsibilities to friends and family and employers. We have a strong inner responsibility to be loving and caring. But, peoplepleasing backfires. Not only do others get annoyed with us, we often get annoyed when our efforts to please do not work as we planned. The most comfortable people to be around
Page 56
are those who are considerate of others but ultimately please themselves.
Help me, God, work through my fears and begin to please myself.
February 28
Letting Go of Denial
We are slow to believe that which if believed would hurt our feelings.
—Ovid
Most of us in recovery have engaged in denial from time to time. Some of us relied on this tool.
We may have denied events or feelings from our past. We may have denied other people's problems; we may have denied our own problems, feelings, thoughts, wants, or needs.
We denied the truth.
Denial means we didn't let ourselves face reality, usually because facing that particular reality would hurt. It would be a loss of something: trust, love, family, perhaps a marriage, a friendship, or a dream. And it hurts to lose something, or someone.
Denial is a protective device, a shock absorber for the soul. It prevents us from acknowledging reality until we feel prepared to cope with that particular reality.
People can shout and scream the truth at us, but we will not see or hear it until we are ready.
We are sturdy yet fragile beings. Sometimes, we need time to get prepared, time to ready ourselves to cope. We do not let go of our need to deny by beating ourselves into acceptance; we let go of our need to deny by allowing ourselves to become safe and strong enough to cope with the truth.
We will do this, when the time is right.
We do not need to punish ourselves for having denied reality; we need only love ourselves into safety and strength Page 57
so that each day we are better equipped to face and deal with the truth. We will face and deal with reality—on our own time schedule, when we are ready,
